Because I listened to my children...

If it seems like my parenting style lacks healthy boundaries, that's a projection of your fears. 

Respectful parenting doesn't mean passivity and I'm sorry that it does to you. Because what a limiting belief.

Not having a sense of ownership over who my kids are does not include that they run umuck on my boundaries.

Several things can be true at once, while it's true, I don't discipline my kids (the same way you don't discipline your friends when they do something you don't prefer) We talk it out and seek solutions together.
If you cant think of creative ways to work with your children when they do something you don't prefer, that's your issue. 

I do not share all the work it takes me to remain whole, sovereign, myself in parenting 3 children, in honoring who they are, in honoring any other relationships. 

There is a lot going on behind the scenes of what it takes to be an emotionally whole individual, work that, truly, not a lot of people have the understanding of or opportunity to do.

So you see me out here, being friends with my kids, having a genuine good time and you have to turn it negative somehow. But my boundaries won't let you dump your fear on me. Your discontentment, your limited outlook. You'll have to take that with you while we continue doing what serves us.

I had to learn this. This did not come naturally for me, the difference is, when I hear new information that could make me a better version of myself, I am already implementing it. Whether I see that it fits one kid and not the other, or if I see that it's best all the way around, it's already happening, so growth happens rapidly. This was true when I had limiting parenting beliefs and this is true now. 

I did not become so different from "how I was raised" because of "how I was raised" I was on my merry way, living my miserable life, committed. Until my kids came along and I deeply felt they needed something from me that I didn't know how to be yet. That's why I changed. Because I listened to the needs of my children. 

Louder than my doubt.
Louder than advice.
Louder than my "but what if"

And sure as shit , louder than your opinions.

Making our lives better was up to me. So I got better. 

So here we are, living in our power that cannot be touched by your fear.

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The importance of energy in parenting

When Ezekiel was around 18 months, life got really hard. Night terrors, sleep paralysis, fear...

I was so exhausted from staying up all night. Waking up to screaming, then Z waking Escher up, who then wanted to also nurse.

I got a lot of really unhelpful advice.

"It's a phase"

"Makes sense with the age."

"You just had a baby, right? That's probably it."

"It'll pass"

"My kid is the same, it's just how it is."

 

But I knew it was more. I knew that something was wrong.

So I started looking places that weren't so obvious. Instead of choosing to have sleep studies, like everyone suggested. That didn't feel right. But I knew something was deeply wrong.

So I saw a psychic. And my life pretty much really began.

Z was having these issues not because of age or brain function or troubles with little brother or self worth, but Z was being tormented by things I could not see.

Children are so in tune with what we have been taught to forget. They have a very thin veil between this 3d reality and every other space and time known to existence.

That makes them easy targets for torment. It makes them easy targets for spirits whose only job is to terrify, because it goes unnoticed. Unchecked. Unidentified.

It gets labeled as an age thing, it gets labeled as monsters under the bed. Wild imagination. But it is as real as you or I.

The reason this changes with age is because children learn to brick and mortar that connection. They shut their magic off. And it is not until much later in life that they will learn to take down that wall, that they must to become fully themselves.

Because there is a portion of their power that will always lie behind that wall. Calling to come home.

Listening to children is essential. Not making a joke about what terrifies them. Trusting yourself when something doesn't feel right.

For Ezekiel what it felt like when experiencing those night terrors was being caught in a vortex, so far from me, even though I was right there.

I could see that distance in Ezekiel's eyes during those episodes and it was terrifying. No one understood. How could I even explain?

 

Children feel what we refuse to. I was also struggling with seeing and feeling things that were not considered normal for being a person on earth.

 It affected me, made me second guess myself. But the impact that had on Z was horrific.

Imagine if I would have just chosen to medicate. Or self resolve. Or yell at Z because I was just too tired. Ezekiel would have gotten further and further from me. To a very dark place and part of Ezekiel would have stayed there until Z found that part again.

Living life angry, disconnected, confused denying a huge part of self.

But I trusted myself. I got help. I helped myself. And I helped Ezekiel.

The language of energy is so important in raising your children. I don't want to imagine the mother I would have had to become if I would have chosen to ignore it.

 

Because I didn't. And I am here today, confident. Deeply knowing myself so I can deeply know my kids. I am so thankful.

We don't raise boys until they are men.

There is something I have noticed when my third child is on the play ground that has lead way to a deeper theory.

On days where Eponine, who is 15 months is dressed in more boyish attire, as society categorizes things, people and children are more hands off, they leave her alone completely, she is free to explore and even climb up the slide, scandalous.

But when she is seen as female, oh my gosh, she can't go anywhere without another kid holding her hand, helping her up the stairs, parents asking "Whos baby is this?!" when she is exploring, the care for her "delicacy" is increased 100 fold.

And aside from the polar opposition and lack of balance I these social norms. It hit me. We don't raise boys. We enter them in battle dome and encourage assertion, aggression. We don't lay forth the intricacies of emotion. We don't bring attention to the subtle nuances of the behavior of others. We don't raise boys. We leave them alone and pretend they have it handled. We even have a saying for it, most often with shrugged shoulders and hands in the air. "Boys will be boys" because we don't hold them accountable we don't teach them.

And so they become angry and scared and feel like they need to have it all together with little guidance. They grow to believe they are strong, that they must prove themselves, that they have power over other people, femme people. And this is rooted in such toxicity and sexism, from birth.

Until.

The magical number, 18. Okay. You know all there is to know, my son, go forth and find a mate and this is where shit gets real because this is where they gain their first parent.

The girlfriend. The wife. Has been conditioned to raise the man. To change him.

To carry the years of trauma and unpack that bag for him while packing his lunch the night before.

We are expected to raise our partners. Because they have never once been challenged. They have never once been handed a key to the inner workings of who they are. So they are angry. Unhinged. Often abusive. But girls have been groomed for this. To take this on and try and parent these grown men.

Because they have remained untouched and monitored by the whole of society all their lives.

We see this play out on TV, in our own lives, I can think of at least 10 men I was made to parent in my adulthood. Because we don't parent boys. We leave them be until we are their wives and partners and try to undo all of this damage.

This has to stop.

This is a complex issue, but I believe it is so woven into the fabric of society and one of the main factors of toxic masculinity. You can see how broken a person would be when they are left alone so long. We are training them to abuse themselves and the world around them.

Continuing this cycle.

We must stop grooming our girls to raise our men.

To accept abuse as love.

The path the sovereignty, to unconditional love is long when you are buried under so much conditioning. This is why I do what I do, to guide us all into ourselves so we can be better from the start.

 

Raise children the same way, with compassion, emotion, respect for who they already are. The seed contains the entire tree and we must do our part to guide them.

 

perceived problems

I wanted to share with you something that happened between Escher (4) and Ezekiel (6) just now.

Escher had been looking for the tablets but he's Greg so couldn't find it (truth laugh) Ezekiel found it sometime later, causing a fight over the tablet. *PUSH PULL PUSH PULL*
Me: heyyyy, what's going on here? *I grab the tablet*

Escher and Ezekiel at once:
Z: I found it!
Escher: I was looking for it

Me: yo, Escher was looking for it all morning. *hands tablet to Escher*

Ezekiel: *cries*

"HE PROMISED I COULD WATCH A SHOW. HE PROMISED AND HE BROKE A PROMISE!!!"

Me: come here. *holds* there are no problems. So let's find a solution. What is your perceived problem?

Ezekiel: "escher didn't keep a promise"

Me: is it that escher didn't keep a promise orrrr that you don't get to watch a show? Get to the bottom, not the symptom.

Z: *crying* I wanna watch a showwwww

Me: okay, take a breath. Breathe. The things you say matter, there are no problems, only problematic thoughts about an issue. Especially in this house. Only solutions. I care about the things that are happening in your life, I care about the things you say and what you are going through. Breathe and release escher from this "problem" you don't need to drag him into your process. You putting it on him distracts you from making your own solutions. Bye Escher! Okay, now you are free to address the actual issue. You wanna watch a show. So. What can you do to make that a reality?

Z: *points to big tv*

Me: yes! Great! That's a solution! Now what?

Z: *a little exasperated* I dunno, ugh!

Me: you ask me that's it!

Z: smiles. *Wipes hair out of tear stained face* oh, haha. Yeah! "Can I watch a show, mom?"

Me: if course you can!

Z: *giggles. Hugs.* I love you mom.

This plays out in so many ways in everyone's lives over and over and over.

let's get to solution mindset and wade past all the noise of symptoms...

Get down to the perceived problem. Pointing to a sibling is usually only a symptom of the real perceived issue. We must become masters of emotion. Which means we have to work through our own and all the symptoms to our own bigger stuff.

Choose

 

You cannot feel guilty about which you feel powerful.

Guilt and power cannot exist within the same space.

We must learn how to make decisions from a powerful place.

Falling in love with your choices is imperative to emotional health. Even a choice that wasn't ideal, like your landlord selling the rental property you live in.

Instead of full on panicking, breathe. Realize that you need to be elsewhere, obviously,  and there is a place that is perfect for you,  you just haven't met yet. You move from fear to power and life is able to respond to you.

No one can make you feel bad for a choice you make, unless it hits on guilt you are already having.

From outfit choices, to self care, to parenting to life style, drop guilt. Choose to move forward in power.

When someone gives you shit about being on your phone in public, you already know you are a wonderful parent, in tune with your children.

When your mother in law says some shit about your cooking, you know you did your best.

Shit, when your husband leaves you. Choose to move forward knowing it's time to reevaluate the relationship with yourself. The highest priority is your own unconditional love journey, life responds.

We often times give our power to our fear, which, by nature, swallows it whole. 

 

So choose.

 

Guilt or Power.

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Things you can do when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit:

 

 

 

Being a piece of shit is a widely held belief that is passed down and never challenged. My existence is to challenge that belief and lead people to their limitlessness. Here are a few ways your life changes when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit.

1. Taking anything personally.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think every one else does too, so any thing someone says is seen through a negative, self conscious filter "omg, everyone is looking and laughing at me! People only pretend to like me!" Meanwhile, some person said a funny joke with nothing to do with you but they made eye contact with you cuz you're cute af.

 

2. You can stop reaching your hand up for help from a higher power when you are going through a hard time.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think you aren't capable of solving your own problems. You have maybe even been conditioned to think you are a piece of shit and that you cannot mend your own broken heart. This is of course bullshit and when we realize this, we can stop wasting all of our time looking up and start looking at what is right in front of us. Healing our own problems.

 

3. You can stop giving from a place of lack.

When we believe we are a piece of shit, we give in order to maintain worth. We give from a place of desperation to be loved and seen because we don't believe we hold value in existence. Instead of searching for validation from that group you don't actually like or driving hours to help friends that don't invest in who you are or take the reigns on projects you don't have time for, you stop all that shit knowing you are worth a goddamn.

 

You are a sovereign self sustaining universe, when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit, you can rest in your own power knowing it's okay to release codependant contracts and feel safe doing so.

What services do I offer that could help you?

 

Miscarriage, child loss and grief support:
We can get down to why and where the soul of your baby is. We can shift from shame, guilt and uncertainty to empowerment, new perspective and healing. Navigating guilt and consciously grieving yourself into health with tools thay nourish your soul and heal your body.

Authentic self connection: do you feel overwhelmed, lost, broken? Not living up to your potential, catering to the whims of everyone around you? Self esteem issues and self loathing? Feel forgotten in your own story? Well not any more. I speak to who you truly are, get down to the reasons you yourself came to earth. Learning to self parent and love yourself. I locate the tools you brought with you and we move up from pain to a perspective of love and truth. 

Self Love: Before we chose this life, we wrote a contract or a "roadmap' that contains info about who you chose to be, what you chose to do and who you chose to meet. We even choose our bodies! I am able to find and read your road map, which is invaluable for limitless reasons. If you would like a roadmap reading, specify at check out. Even specific questions like "why did I choose my body?' 'why did I choose my parents?" "what is coming up for me in the near future?" Keeping in mind that we all have free will and can dissolve contracts that we feel no longer serve us.

Children and parenting: The relationship between you and your child is one birthed from before you were. Find out why they chose you, how to hold space for the essence of who they are to feel supported and loved. See how it shifts your dynamic to pure, unconditional love and partnership as it was intended before society placed on you unhealthy parenting advice. Blow it all away in a way that truly serves all of you. (Personalized Parenting Advice and Energetic Assessment)

Relationships: get to the root of problems instead of wading through symptoms and hurt feelings. See the energetic exchange of your relationship. What is the give and take and what are you getting out of it if is a dynamic that doesn't serve who you are? How can I best prepare to leave? How can I make this work? Show my partner that I do love them? Let's make a plan.

Spirit baby and pregnancy support:
Knowing my daughter before I birthed her was everything. I had the birth space set up perfectly to her requests. I know what she needs before she needs it. I am so energetically in tune to her needs that she does not have to cry and I don't have to cry wondering what I'm doing wrong. I want to provide this from the beginning, the freedom of a smooth 4th trimester. Support for the soul who has chosen you.

This is just what is under the "READING" umbrella, a few examples of where I am being called to cater to the collective. If you don't see your struggle but are wanting help, just ask. I can hold your hand through anything and make a custom plan. Healing. True, authentic healing of hearts. Plans in moving forward, free.

https://www.amethystjoy.com/createyourlife/reading

May Trouble Find You

I don't want my children free from trouble. I want them to understand that where trouble exists, so do solutions, so does lessons, so does their strength.

I want them to know that they are the gods of their own stories and that they may walk hand in hand with their problems, because pain and trauma are finite, but their will, their passion, their strength, love and power are not.

The script is theirs. The power is theirs. To sit and ask "why have I brought this to me?" Because victim is when someone takes your power and may the heavens bless whomever tries to take theirs, because it's going to be a bad time for them. And it's not about them. They are the fly on the windshield of a bigger picture.

When one is empowered, one has taken off the blinders. We can see all, we know that being sad is okay, and we know that stepping away from the pain, that true healing is what we deserve. So we get up and move on in an authentic way.

So, no, I don't want my children free of pain, I want them equipped with a box full of tools to wade through, to hurt, to feel, to heal, to learn and to move on.

To move through a life that is for them, that spills from them and that they know without a doubt that they are the main character in. No one kills your vibe, no one takes your power, no one turns you into a victim, you are god. You are god. You are god. Everything works out for you. Not because rainbows and butterflies but because of perspective and emotional health. 

 

Make mistakes, get messy, know that you are supported, empowered and loved.

Get well, no really.

I found Ezekiel laying in bed,  I asked if I could come up or if some alone time was needed.

Z: "You can come up here with me."

Me: "So, what's up, Z?"

Z: "I'm just feeling really sad."

Me: "It's okay to feel sad. Sadness is an incredibly helpful tool to connect us to ourselves and let's us know that we need to take a pause."

Z: "well, do ya know what would make me feel better? Watching a show would make me feel better."

Me: *big sigh* I have to sit with myself before I calmly respond.

"Ezekiel, the tv doesn't exist to solve your problems. It is not for distraction from our sadness or unpleasant emotions. You know what does exist to help you feel better? You. You exist to navigate these feelings, you exist to sit with that feeling of sadness and work through it. And that's why I'm here too! To help you with the heavy, hard emotions. We can talk if you ever need, I'm here.  And when you feel better, when you have felt and released and sat and cried and taken a breath, you can watch all the tv you want."

Z: "okay mom, I can do that, I need a hug."

*hug*


This exchange is a big deal. I am not willing to do whatever it takes to stop Ezekiel from being sad. I am willing to do what it takes to navigate emotions. Vices don't exist to heal us, only we can do that. When using vices, we get by, but we don't get well. We shift addiction, we hope our problems pass us by, and time does, but we remain sick. And sad. And stuck.

And I'm so sorry for when your parents couldn't, I'm so sorry for when they didn't. But it's up to us now, to get well. To be authentically well and connect to our children to keep them well. Not MAKE them well, because children are born well. But to show them emotional health, walk with them when it's hard, heal our own trauma. It's up to us now.

 

Continue To Choose



We all make choices, it is important to fall in love with every choice we make, but also being mindful, that we don't just make a decision about what shapes our lives, who we surround ourselves with, once or twice in life. We have to continue to choose it. That partner, job, mom group, relationship. These are the choices that shape the world around us.

Continuing to choose with our actions, words, intention and by our other small choices that ripple into bigger picture choices.

We must be mindful, as you grow and shift, you need re-evaluate these choices, you can stop choosing and redirect your life.

It is imperative that we also let go. Dragging an old friend around because they did a lot for you during a difficult season is not serving either of you if the relationship is not life giving. Choose different, participate in your life. Look out for future you, continue to choose in all aspects of your life, this is how we all get well.

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Not All Heros Wear Capes. Sometimes They Wear Diapers and Throw Tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.

I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.

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My Children Do Not Empty Me

I create success by including my children into my self care, resisting a "go to bed, get away from me so I can self care!!!" approach. Because of this, I can maintain, I can keep my cool, I can breathe while they are around me. I meditate or chant or hum affirmations at the park, in the shower, during dance class. I fill myself while they are having fun. I must. If I do not, I associate my children with the idea that THEY empty me. They do not empty me, the way I parent empties or fills me. The expectations I carry, the insecurities, that is what depletes me. Not my children. They only shed light to where I am lacking. They say with their being "Hey, mama, we want to remind you of your own limitless potential." I self parent. I hug my inner child when she is feeling reactionary. I sing to her and tell her she is good. I fill myself because in looking to anyone or anything outside of myself for that, I will be setting myself up for failure, I will be setting that relationship up for failure and resentment.

It is up to me to connect with myself, before I can even know how to connect with my kids.

Include your kids in your self care. Hold your hand over your heart and know that you are love, deep breathe with them at the grocery store, share with them your coping mechanisms so they see it as normal, they remember the feeling it gave you, of calmness, of laughter, the ability to be present and they can carry that on into their own lives forever.

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’thave many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:

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The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.

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It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Whether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.

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The desire to grow propels me into challenge.


I didn't have words for it before. I thought life was cruel and the world was unfair, I was in a broken boat on a raging sea. I was huddled in the bottom corner of the cabin, rocking. Crying. Expecting someone to be at the helm for me. At some point, I was not emotionally able to run my own life and it showed, in diagnosis after diagnosis, in depression and crippling anxiety in loss of my eye sight, which I fully attribute to not wanting to see the awful world around me. I wanted to disappear. And things did disappear for me. I needed help to live, I needed prescriptions and doctors and thank goodness for them, they held my hand while I navigated maybe thinking about getting out of my corner, out of pure survival mode. 

The desire to grow still pushed me toward challenge. Violent ends and broken heart. Why was this happening to me? I resisted seeing any good. I was broken, was going to be broken and since that's all I saw, that is where I propelled myself, not seeing my magic, my strength, my beauty...at all. Surrounded in self loathing and relationships that only affirmed my failure or at least kept me preoccupied from my immense inner turmoil. I was pulled into other people's chaos to avoid looking at who I was. I cared about celebrities and how they lived their lives. I cared about what a stranger was wearing. What so and so was doing or dating. I participated in the culture of shame, at any cost, to avoid myself. 

The desire to grow pushed me forward, but this time with an unlikely ally, armed with a crumbling, toxic relationship a positive pregnancy test and a healthy dose of freaking out, I was propelled toward challenge. I didn't know what it felt like to be better. So I tried the rudimentary version of what I knew. Become the happy family, real or not. This could work, it will fix everything! But my teacher came to me. On January 6, 2012. The date that would propel me to a place I never even knew existed. My baby created a crevasse between my past and my future. Between my pain and my joy. Between old and new. However toxic your comfort zone may be, it IS your comfort zone and leaving is fucking terrifying. Life was still happening to me. I failed. I failed at having a family. I failed at love. I failed in keeping others happy. I didn't know what was in store for me, I just knew that I was a miserable failure. The desire to grow pushed me forward.

When you ask most people why they wanted to become a parent or have children, it will be something about them "I wanted to make a little version of my husband." Or "I wanted to make a little me." Etc. I am sure beyond a doubt that the only reason I am a parent is because I was chosen by my children, by the souls that they are to guide them on earth. To learn our lessons, we are a perfect match, we are equals, I don't teach them, they show me what really matters.



There is nothing that propels you toward growth than having a soul choose you to be a caretaker. It's a scramble to get your shit together because if you refuse to change and grow, the dis ease and dysfunction that comes from that decision is palpable. 

When you know you are chosen, you parent from a place of honor, of thankfulness as opposed to ownership or thinking you know more or a place of dictatorship. But back on track...

Only in looking back do I see the steps I took that lead me here. To a place where I happen to life and it no longer happens to me. Things don't happen to me, I happen to things. I chose this. My intense desire to grow pushed me toward challenges and the moment I figured that out, everything changed for me. I was able to take the powerful position at the helm of my life. I was able to examine why I brought this into my life, look for lessons, be excited, even. At the thought of another growth spurt in not only enduring, but flowing with this challenge. I no longer wake up afraid, tired and shell shocked. I know that anything that happens to me is for my highest and best good because I will it to be so. There is no Universe to test me, there is no God to run my life, there is no Satan to torment me. There is only me and there is only you and us. I honor my fellow human beings by being me entirely, by loving and truly seeing me. By the growth I have the pleasure of experiencing. No matter what the package presents itself as, the need to grow propels me toward challenge. I am ready, I take in the world with anticipation. I am the creator, I "yes" and "no" the things that come into my life. I am the driver of this motherfucking boat. 

Love to you,

Amethyst.

Seeking Unconditional Love

Here is what is true.

I have had to work hard to make the love I offer unconditional. I used to manipulate, degrade, withhold. I did everything to keep love as my power play. If someone did something I did not like, I loved them differently. It was calculated. It took up my time and energy. It was how I lived my life and affected every aspect of it, including how I loved myself. If I gained a pound, I withheld food. If I embarrassed myself, I would roll through the ugliest self talk in existence. This was my life. Any partner I had felt my wrath, my dislike for certain behaviors. What a twisted, warped way to think of love. What a disaster. What a disservice. 

I was keeping myself from living and truly being loved.

I had to make a conscious decision to make love unconditional. It started with me, because if I treated the symptom of the problem and not the root, the change wasn't authentic, it did not last and I fell into old patterns once again. I would feel "free" for a month...six months...but I would always fall back into the unbearable feeling because I had not addressed the source of my discontentment. I had to go all in and it was scary and I faced the parts of myself that I hide. That I was ashamed of. 

I am still learning. With my children, when they do something I don't like, am I loving them differently? Am I being mean or withholding affection? This challenges their sense of humanness. A manipulation tactic that makes someone want to feel human again in your eyes. Establishing that their sense of self comes from YOU. A dangerous beginning to a life long struggle.

And this becomes my mantra because anything less is not love.

 

I have changed my entire life, I have rerouted brain waves and changed behavior. I am still and always in process. I am the Phoenix, reborn. I am surrounded in unconditional love because that is what I choose to offer myself. You can too. We must stop living out of our dysfunction, our parent's dysfunction, and claim what is truly ours. The right to be happy and loved.

 

There is nothing more important than choosing to shift your focus. It is a simple idea "Instead of looking down....look up." But there are many deep complexities to the process. If all you have ever been told is that there is a floor not a ceiling, it's hard to look up. If you only ever looked up as a kid and you got disciplined for it until you looked down. It is hard to shift focus. Maybe someone's words were placed on your neck like a weight, forcing you to look down, maybe your own words. The important thing to know though, is that no matter how difficult, the choice still remains. You may have to stretch a few muscles you haven't used in a while, you may have to abandon a few ideas that you have had about yourself "Oh, I'm just a look down kind of person." And write a new story. "Oh, well, I've only ever looked down, but I am changing that today." Focusing on your flaws is harming and hindering you. Your strengths are real, they are there as well. Seek them and end the mindless distraction that is keeping you miserable. It is time to look up.

 

Go get your life. For yourself, for your family, for your future, for your past. Change your mind. Shift from manipulation to love, take your power back from those who stole it from you. It is time to heal. It is time to truly LIVE.

 

Amethyst

Jealousy and showing your children the limitlessness of love

In preparation for birth, Escher and I had short conversations about love, it doesn’t take much time, but makes all the difference.

The way we would prepare is to talk about love. About how limitless and endless it is. I would say “Isn’t it beautiful that you can love a lot things at the same exact time and make time for all of them? I love you and Ezekiel and Dada and Auntie and Nala and Ni Hao (the dogs) all at the same time. It’s so fantastic that love is so big and limitless! What are some things you love?” And he would think a minute and respond with all the things he could love at the same time. This is such an important concept to grasp in order to exist. To know that others are not our competition. But they add to our lives no matter in what capacity we know them. Love is in everything, it is not special or sparse. It is everywhere, we do not have to fight or compete for it. We are love. When this clicks, the world opens. We open to the possibilities of being loved for who we were when we put our guard down and just live, feel the love. We don’t have to punch our siblings into submission and defeat them for love. We don’t don’t even have to shame our partners for acknowledging the beauty in another person (but that’s a blog for another day) We can focus on ourselves, we can be empowered, we can truly live in love and harmony with those around us, even a new baby. Because your self worth is never questioned when you know that you are not only loved,  but that you ARE love, surrounded by it’s limitless at all times.

Choose yourself. Yes, always.

I learn a lot from my kids, that is obvious. But this perspective hit me today.Choose yourself first. Yes, always.

You hear all the time "you can't pour from an empty cup."

But as a parent, it is so easy to care for everyone but you. Everybody has a need from sun up to sun down and you can go a week or more before you realize you exist too.

But kids. Kids choose themselves first. If you even see a child's reaction to not getting something they want immediately, you know this is true. They only choose themselves. And they STILL have room or make room to love so purely and unconditionally. They live and love with passion, they still love YOU. In a child's mind, living for other people is not an innate reaction, they meet all of their needs and have no problem asking for help if they need something they cannot make happen themselves.

This is how I want to live.

With knowing that addressing yourself first, especially as a mother, is not narcissistic. It is not selfish. It is completely 100% the opposite. It is NECESSARY.

Self Care is something that we have to remind ourselves of because it is taught out of us that out needs matter too. We function out of the dysfunction that has been ingrained in us. We must give, we must be selfless, we must sacrifice. We see where this has gotten us. Depression, run down, raw, angry, overwhelmed. We ARE empty and raw at the same time. Was this the goal? Have we made it to the pinnacle of those unconscious ideals? Yes. This is what it looks like to put others first. Living for other people, no matter how good your intentions, will destroy you.

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Look at the happiness in your children. From living only from the love they have for themselves and you and chicken nuggets and their favorite toy and and and and...

 

operating out of love instead of lack, out of confidence instead of insecurity.  This is how we all start, until we are lied to. That we aren't already enough. That we must DO or GIVE to be enough.

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Love. Self. Love. Is everything. You matter, you are everything. Treat yourself accordingly and your life will be magic. Ask me how I know....by watching my kids.