Beyond Trauma

A lot of people still sitting in pain think it's absolutely impossible that I got up from mine.

They will lash out at new ideas, they will lash out at what could change their stories and identities.

People with childhood trauma and abuse cannot imagine being free from those wounds, we have been told it's a burden we have to carry forever, that not being properly loved by our parents or loved at all hurts so deeply that nothing could ever repair it.

This belief system is the equivalent of throwing an entire person in the trash and leaving them there to rot.

I am here saying that not being loved by my mother doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt ever, because I painstakingly sorted through that wound. I did not have a magic wand that made it all go away, I didn't even have an example of how to do this, how to travel through my pain for the last time. How to open that door of trauma I had held closed so desperately. I did it anyway.

It took a long time, I cried a lot. It was hard, impossible even, some days. But I chose to deeply heal. My childhood trauma does not define who I am, I get to define who I am. I am my own mother, I supply what she did not, I parent myself and my children, we are all seen heard and understood, because through my healing, I have navigated how. My inner child is no longer screaming, she sleeps, she laughs, she plays. She is present and joyful. So I can focus deeply on my own children's needs.

I could choose to see all the ways my mom failed me, abandoned me or I could see how

The person my mom was, was not someone I would even enjoy knowing or hanging out with or allowing near my children. Let alone trying to seek approval from or make proud. This belief is where my quote "I don't take advice from miserable people." Comes from, I don't care if you birthed me, if you are spreading your misery and pain onto people, I don't need your opinion.

I deeply began caring for myself, getting to know myself, I am the best mom to myself than anyone ever could be, my mom didn't abandon me, she was the adoptive caretaker until my own self mother could awaken.

What happened to you was horrific, I know how that feels, but maybe just maybe, it's time to explore that wound and grow past it.

Sincerely,

The empowered victim of childhood trauma who knows, experiences and lives different.

Yeah, I chose my narcissistic mom.

We don't always choose our parents because of rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes we plan knowing full well that our parents won't choose their authentic and whole selves. Especially as healers, who often need to acquire trauma, learn from it, heal from it and share our medicine, in the most empowered way.

The main question I get is "why would a child choose an abusive parent?"

And the answers are are vast as humans are individual.

I wouldn't know without reading their specific life path and soul needs.

But generally, here is why:

Children don't start out as we see them in our society, helpless and incapable.

They begin as limitless energy, close to source; all that is possible. They have a perspective that we cannot imagine because, we have forgotten over the years, for many reasons.

When we are setting goals for our lifetimes, we see many outcomes, we see what we need and how we need to get it, there is one thing though, that we forget while we are in this planning phase. And that's human emotion. We see this plan as a map to success for our soul growth, we do not see sadness, we do not see the terrible trauma we may have to carry for a while, because the perspective is higher than what we have to work with on earth. We forget social constructs and how poverty and capitalism is detrimental and draining, because when we are energy, all of that seems so insignificant. We are just planning. We are just setting us up for success.

So we add things to our path that seem horrible and hard to us as humans. Then we forget we ever did that and the general belief here on earth is that it's insane that we could even ever make a plan (how is that working for you, heh) , especially when it feels this bad.

But. It's all for growth.

So sometimes we choose dynamics that are hard. Because of the person we become when we are healed from them.

I chose my family of origin because I needed to be deeply in tune with how it feels to be voiceless, so I know how to navigate that darkness. I chose a mother that was always right. That was narcissistic and controlling. I chose a religious culture that stomped out my voice, I chose a path where I was meant to sit down and shut up. Because I needed to grow my voice big and loud and confident and I needed to grow up and leave and have my world fall apart in order to create everything I have now. Yes, I chose my narcissistic mother. Because of who I had to be after I healed. After I let go of her. After I had carried trauma and released it.

We just forget the release part. And it's time to remember who you are and why you came here. Because it was a choice. We are all empowered to choose different at any time, our brains and fear and the boxes we are placed in make that difficult to believe, but it’s true.

It's time to get in touch with your unchanging voice, the one we always carry but lose an ear for. It's still there.

Through my years as an energy reader, I have seen so many fascinating familial connections, family trauma, generational curses and family's that WORK, ones who are sovereign and full of unconditional love, ones struggling and lost, it has been the adventure of a lifetime to see how connections look, were meant to look and where to go from here.


If you want to know your path, roadmap or questions about your dynamic for growth, book a reading!

the point is, we all have free will, trauma makes people behave in a certain way for protection, we can work through that, or not. And life responds. While we may have hope and intention to deeply connect to who our parents are so they can deeply connect to us, it doesn’t always work out that way, there was glimpses when I saw my mother being authentic growing up, she was a vibrant, fun, intuitive person in those snapshots, but that wasn’t what she chose. And that is okay, because I chose to overcome, to shift perspective and see my own strength.

It doesn’t look or feel lovely and great when we look around at shattered families full of abuse, it’s confusing and awful, but when I can read the code to my own experience, it makes me feel powerful, I am steering this ship and going exactly where I always intended to.

Life and time to build a new one, little bitch.

 

People tend to shift blame if something in their life doesn't look or feel good to them. That's immediately easier than other, healthy options.

 

In parenting, it's easy to blame children for things that aren't their fault.

 

A few years ago, I got really attached to the idea of going back to my previous career as a dog groomer, I was thinking constantly how I could walk into any grooming shop, test and get a job right on the spot.

But I would get agitated at the idea of having to put the kids in daycare, then what would be the point of working, with little take home financially.

Instead of broadening my options, I used my children as a reason I could not work.

That was not even fucking true.

But I made it true.

What I eventually understood was that -I- needed to shift my perspective, reach into my toolbox and help myself out of feeling sorry for myself.

I needed to develop my passions and seek an inclusive career.

That felt harder than complaining.

But I shifted any way and now I can realize how much harder blaming my kids for something that was not their fault and the resentment that was slowly growing as a result was for my mental health, for our relationship.

That is the type of difficult I no longer tolerate.

Another example is when I was caught up in the idea of how much "easier" little things would be if I could do them alone, something that, with a partner that is often on 80+ hour work weeks, was not available to me.

Going to the grocery store,

popping in a shop, real quick,

getting in the car.

Literally anything, little things.

Dinner prep.

Living unscripted,

going to a show,

hanging out with friends without having to arrange a sitter.

It got really bad, I got really bad, investing into this timeline that wasn't even real.

I was making myself absolutely miserable by focusing on this shit.

This was not going to be.

So why in the fuck was I so determined to bring it up in my mind?

Once again, I needed to shift my perspective with what I had.

I pulled my thoughts back into reality.

I had a meeting with myself to wake up, but while being gentle.

Having small kids can be hard with the tools society gives you.

The expectation that it's hard. Does it have to be?

I was convinced it did for a while too.

But I no longer buy into the idea that life is hard and the only way I can function is coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.

I looked at what I -could- do. How I could set myself up for success and include my children into my dream life.

From easy things like picking our outfits out the day before, to making sure everyone was fed, needs met before I was like "LET'S DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS!"

Planned chaos.

To calling myself out.

To being like "What are you doing!?"

YOU. And only YOU need to change your mind.

You need to focus on all the ways your children help you.

How you have grown.

How you have beautifully shifted.

Become stronger and better because of them.

Not microscope and complain how you CaN't HaV tHe LiFe you had before.

Build a new one, little bitch.

So I did.

I decided that my children always AND ONLY call me to be better.

So if there was something I was missing, I restructured to include them, or I decided that I didn't need it in the new life we were going to create.

I moved on and I stopped blaming my children for my choices. These were my choices and it took some painful awareness to figure it out. It took peeling back layers of mothering, society, myself, limiting beliefs. It took closing doors and building boundaries and leaving a collective thought of how mothers "have to" exist in the world.

But it's the best fucking thing I have ever done. My kids are my best friends, we spend our days and weeks and months co creating. No resentment any more. No "IF ONLY"

Just, life. Right now.

Dismantle, Examine, and Shift

When you look at your child as something broken that needs to be fixed, this is the lense in which you parent. Everything you do and see and say is filtered through this lense.

"you can't....you shouldn't.....you need to stop....what if...?" Over and over and over. Everyone is afraid and injecting anxiety into every decision that their child makes.

The fear based decisions of our parents need to be examined.

Settling and abandoning your dreams being the basis for a "good life" is over.

Open up a dialog with yourself about the origins of your conclusions of "No" with your children. Instead of dumping fear and uncertainty onto every decision they make now and in future, figure out why you are saying NO to your child.

Bring awareness to your thoughts and how you speak to your children.

It's not meant to be discouraging or shaming to realize things that we can do better, it's empowering because we can always evolve.

The way you word things and the language you use is important.

"No, you can't"

well, you can...but here is what may happen if you do.

How does that feel to you?

Try it and see!

What do you think?

Can'ting someone is always fuel for making them want to do it harder. If I say no, which of course I do, because we respect other people's boundaries, it's accompanied with "and here is why" so there is a mutual understanding and respect.

When you believe that your children are whole and perfect and you nurture the wonderful things that are already inside them the entire perspective of your parenting changes. They become confident because you already knew that they were. They become loving because you have told them since birth that they are. This is the filter in which everything you say and think about your children goes through.

This changes everything.

 

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Because I listened to my children...

If it seems like my parenting style lacks healthy boundaries, that's a projection of your fears. 

Respectful parenting doesn't mean passivity and I'm sorry that it does to you. Because what a limiting belief.

Not having a sense of ownership over who my kids are does not include that they run umuck on my boundaries.

Several things can be true at once, while it's true, I don't discipline my kids (the same way you don't discipline your friends when they do something you don't prefer) We talk it out and seek solutions together.
If you cant think of creative ways to work with your children when they do something you don't prefer, that's your issue. 

I do not share all the work it takes me to remain whole, sovereign, myself in parenting 3 children, in honoring who they are, in honoring any other relationships. 

There is a lot going on behind the scenes of what it takes to be an emotionally whole individual, work that, truly, not a lot of people have the understanding of or opportunity to do.

So you see me out here, being friends with my kids, having a genuine good time and you have to turn it negative somehow. But my boundaries won't let you dump your fear on me. Your discontentment, your limited outlook. You'll have to take that with you while we continue doing what serves us.

I had to learn this. This did not come naturally for me, the difference is, when I hear new information that could make me a better version of myself, I am already implementing it. Whether I see that it fits one kid and not the other, or if I see that it's best all the way around, it's already happening, so growth happens rapidly. This was true when I had limiting parenting beliefs and this is true now. 

I did not become so different from "how I was raised" because of "how I was raised" I was on my merry way, living my miserable life, committed. Until my kids came along and I deeply felt they needed something from me that I didn't know how to be yet. That's why I changed. Because I listened to the needs of my children. 

Louder than my doubt.
Louder than advice.
Louder than my "but what if"

And sure as shit , louder than your opinions.

Making our lives better was up to me. So I got better. 

So here we are, living in our power that cannot be touched by your fear.

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The importance of energy in parenting

When Ezekiel was around 18 months, life got really hard. Night terrors, sleep paralysis, fear...

I was so exhausted from staying up all night. Waking up to screaming, then Z waking Escher up, who then wanted to also nurse.

I got a lot of really unhelpful advice.

"It's a phase"

"Makes sense with the age."

"You just had a baby, right? That's probably it."

"It'll pass"

"My kid is the same, it's just how it is."

 

But I knew it was more. I knew that something was wrong.

So I started looking places that weren't so obvious. Instead of choosing to have sleep studies, like everyone suggested. That didn't feel right. But I knew something was deeply wrong.

So I saw a psychic. And my life pretty much really began.

Z was having these issues not because of age or brain function or troubles with little brother or self worth, but Z was being tormented by things I could not see.

Children are so in tune with what we have been taught to forget. They have a very thin veil between this 3d reality and every other space and time known to existence.

That makes them easy targets for torment. It makes them easy targets for spirits whose only job is to terrify, because it goes unnoticed. Unchecked. Unidentified.

It gets labeled as an age thing, it gets labeled as monsters under the bed. Wild imagination. But it is as real as you or I.

The reason this changes with age is because children learn to brick and mortar that connection. They shut their magic off. And it is not until much later in life that they will learn to take down that wall, that they must to become fully themselves.

Because there is a portion of their power that will always lie behind that wall. Calling to come home.

Listening to children is essential. Not making a joke about what terrifies them. Trusting yourself when something doesn't feel right.

For Ezekiel what it felt like when experiencing those night terrors was being caught in a vortex, so far from me, even though I was right there.

I could see that distance in Ezekiel's eyes during those episodes and it was terrifying. No one understood. How could I even explain?

 

Children feel what we refuse to. I was also struggling with seeing and feeling things that were not considered normal for being a person on earth.

 It affected me, made me second guess myself. But the impact that had on Z was horrific.

Imagine if I would have just chosen to medicate. Or self resolve. Or yell at Z because I was just too tired. Ezekiel would have gotten further and further from me. To a very dark place and part of Ezekiel would have stayed there until Z found that part again.

Living life angry, disconnected, confused denying a huge part of self.

But I trusted myself. I got help. I helped myself. And I helped Ezekiel.

The language of energy is so important in raising your children. I don't want to imagine the mother I would have had to become if I would have chosen to ignore it.

 

Because I didn't. And I am here today, confident. Deeply knowing myself so I can deeply know my kids. I am so thankful.

We don't raise boys until they are men.

There is something I have noticed when my third child is on the play ground that has lead way to a deeper theory.

On days where Eponine, who is 15 months is dressed in more boyish attire, as society categorizes things, people and children are more hands off, they leave her alone completely, she is free to explore and even climb up the slide, scandalous.

But when she is seen as female, oh my gosh, she can't go anywhere without another kid holding her hand, helping her up the stairs, parents asking "Whos baby is this?!" when she is exploring, the care for her "delicacy" is increased 100 fold.

And aside from the polar opposition and lack of balance I these social norms. It hit me. We don't raise boys. We enter them in battle dome and encourage assertion, aggression. We don't lay forth the intricacies of emotion. We don't bring attention to the subtle nuances of the behavior of others. We don't raise boys. We leave them alone and pretend they have it handled. We even have a saying for it, most often with shrugged shoulders and hands in the air. "Boys will be boys" because we don't hold them accountable we don't teach them.

And so they become angry and scared and feel like they need to have it all together with little guidance. They grow to believe they are strong, that they must prove themselves, that they have power over other people, femme people. And this is rooted in such toxicity and sexism, from birth.

Until.

The magical number, 18. Okay. You know all there is to know, my son, go forth and find a mate and this is where shit gets real because this is where they gain their first parent.

The girlfriend. The wife. Has been conditioned to raise the man. To change him.

To carry the years of trauma and unpack that bag for him while packing his lunch the night before.

We are expected to raise our partners. Because they have never once been challenged. They have never once been handed a key to the inner workings of who they are. So they are angry. Unhinged. Often abusive. But girls have been groomed for this. To take this on and try and parent these grown men.

Because they have remained untouched and monitored by the whole of society all their lives.

We see this play out on TV, in our own lives, I can think of at least 10 men I was made to parent in my adulthood. Because we don't parent boys. We leave them be until we are their wives and partners and try to undo all of this damage.

This has to stop.

This is a complex issue, but I believe it is so woven into the fabric of society and one of the main factors of toxic masculinity. You can see how broken a person would be when they are left alone so long. We are training them to abuse themselves and the world around them.

Continuing this cycle.

We must stop grooming our girls to raise our men.

To accept abuse as love.

The path the sovereignty, to unconditional love is long when you are buried under so much conditioning. This is why I do what I do, to guide us all into ourselves so we can be better from the start.

 

Raise children the same way, with compassion, emotion, respect for who they already are. The seed contains the entire tree and we must do our part to guide them.

 

perceived problems

I wanted to share with you something that happened between Escher (4) and Ezekiel (6) just now.

Escher had been looking for the tablets but he's Greg so couldn't find it (truth laugh) Ezekiel found it sometime later, causing a fight over the tablet. *PUSH PULL PUSH PULL*
Me: heyyyy, what's going on here? *I grab the tablet*

Escher and Ezekiel at once:
Z: I found it!
Escher: I was looking for it

Me: yo, Escher was looking for it all morning. *hands tablet to Escher*

Ezekiel: *cries*

"HE PROMISED I COULD WATCH A SHOW. HE PROMISED AND HE BROKE A PROMISE!!!"

Me: come here. *holds* there are no problems. So let's find a solution. What is your perceived problem?

Ezekiel: "escher didn't keep a promise"

Me: is it that escher didn't keep a promise orrrr that you don't get to watch a show? Get to the bottom, not the symptom.

Z: *crying* I wanna watch a showwwww

Me: okay, take a breath. Breathe. The things you say matter, there are no problems, only problematic thoughts about an issue. Especially in this house. Only solutions. I care about the things that are happening in your life, I care about the things you say and what you are going through. Breathe and release escher from this "problem" you don't need to drag him into your process. You putting it on him distracts you from making your own solutions. Bye Escher! Okay, now you are free to address the actual issue. You wanna watch a show. So. What can you do to make that a reality?

Z: *points to big tv*

Me: yes! Great! That's a solution! Now what?

Z: *a little exasperated* I dunno, ugh!

Me: you ask me that's it!

Z: smiles. *Wipes hair out of tear stained face* oh, haha. Yeah! "Can I watch a show, mom?"

Me: if course you can!

Z: *giggles. Hugs.* I love you mom.

This plays out in so many ways in everyone's lives over and over and over.

let's get to solution mindset and wade past all the noise of symptoms...

Get down to the perceived problem. Pointing to a sibling is usually only a symptom of the real perceived issue. We must become masters of emotion. Which means we have to work through our own and all the symptoms to our own bigger stuff.

Choose

 

You cannot feel guilty about which you feel powerful.

Guilt and power cannot exist within the same space.

We must learn how to make decisions from a powerful place.

Falling in love with your choices is imperative to emotional health. Even a choice that wasn't ideal, like your landlord selling the rental property you live in.

Instead of full on panicking, breathe. Realize that you need to be elsewhere, obviously,  and there is a place that is perfect for you,  you just haven't met yet. You move from fear to power and life is able to respond to you.

No one can make you feel bad for a choice you make, unless it hits on guilt you are already having.

From outfit choices, to self care, to parenting to life style, drop guilt. Choose to move forward in power.

When someone gives you shit about being on your phone in public, you already know you are a wonderful parent, in tune with your children.

When your mother in law says some shit about your cooking, you know you did your best.

Shit, when your husband leaves you. Choose to move forward knowing it's time to reevaluate the relationship with yourself. The highest priority is your own unconditional love journey, life responds.

We often times give our power to our fear, which, by nature, swallows it whole. 

 

So choose.

 

Guilt or Power.

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Things you can do when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit:

 

 

 

Being a piece of shit is a widely held belief that is passed down and never challenged. My existence is to challenge that belief and lead people to their limitlessness. Here are a few ways your life changes when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit.

1. Taking anything personally.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think every one else does too, so any thing someone says is seen through a negative, self conscious filter "omg, everyone is looking and laughing at me! People only pretend to like me!" Meanwhile, some person said a funny joke with nothing to do with you but they made eye contact with you cuz you're cute af.

 

2. You can stop reaching your hand up for help from a higher power when you are going through a hard time.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think you aren't capable of solving your own problems. You have maybe even been conditioned to think you are a piece of shit and that you cannot mend your own broken heart. This is of course bullshit and when we realize this, we can stop wasting all of our time looking up and start looking at what is right in front of us. Healing our own problems.

 

3. You can stop giving from a place of lack.

When we believe we are a piece of shit, we give in order to maintain worth. We give from a place of desperation to be loved and seen because we don't believe we hold value in existence. Instead of searching for validation from that group you don't actually like or driving hours to help friends that don't invest in who you are or take the reigns on projects you don't have time for, you stop all that shit knowing you are worth a goddamn.

 

You are a sovereign self sustaining universe, when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit, you can rest in your own power knowing it's okay to release codependant contracts and feel safe doing so.

What services do I offer that could help you?

 

Miscarriage, child loss and grief support:
We can get down to why and where the soul of your baby is. We can shift from shame, guilt and uncertainty to empowerment, new perspective and healing. Navigating guilt and consciously grieving yourself into health with tools thay nourish your soul and heal your body.

Authentic self connection: do you feel overwhelmed, lost, broken? Not living up to your potential, catering to the whims of everyone around you? Self esteem issues and self loathing? Feel forgotten in your own story? Well not any more. I speak to who you truly are, get down to the reasons you yourself came to earth. Learning to self parent and love yourself. I locate the tools you brought with you and we move up from pain to a perspective of love and truth. 

Self Love: Before we chose this life, we wrote a contract or a "roadmap' that contains info about who you chose to be, what you chose to do and who you chose to meet. We even choose our bodies! I am able to find and read your road map, which is invaluable for limitless reasons. If you would like a roadmap reading, specify at check out. Even specific questions like "why did I choose my body?' 'why did I choose my parents?" "what is coming up for me in the near future?" Keeping in mind that we all have free will and can dissolve contracts that we feel no longer serve us.

Children and parenting: The relationship between you and your child is one birthed from before you were. Find out why they chose you, how to hold space for the essence of who they are to feel supported and loved. See how it shifts your dynamic to pure, unconditional love and partnership as it was intended before society placed on you unhealthy parenting advice. Blow it all away in a way that truly serves all of you. (Personalized Parenting Advice and Energetic Assessment)

Relationships: get to the root of problems instead of wading through symptoms and hurt feelings. See the energetic exchange of your relationship. What is the give and take and what are you getting out of it if is a dynamic that doesn't serve who you are? How can I best prepare to leave? How can I make this work? Show my partner that I do love them? Let's make a plan.

Spirit baby and pregnancy support:
Knowing my daughter before I birthed her was everything. I had the birth space set up perfectly to her requests. I know what she needs before she needs it. I am so energetically in tune to her needs that she does not have to cry and I don't have to cry wondering what I'm doing wrong. I want to provide this from the beginning, the freedom of a smooth 4th trimester. Support for the soul who has chosen you.

This is just what is under the "READING" umbrella, a few examples of where I am being called to cater to the collective. If you don't see your struggle but are wanting help, just ask. I can hold your hand through anything and make a custom plan. Healing. True, authentic healing of hearts. Plans in moving forward, free.

https://www.amethystjoy.com/createyourlife/reading

May Trouble Find You

I don't want my children free from trouble. I want them to understand that where trouble exists, so do solutions, so does lessons, so does their strength.

I want them to know that they are the gods of their own stories and that they may walk hand in hand with their problems, because pain and trauma are finite, but their will, their passion, their strength, love and power are not.

The script is theirs. The power is theirs. To sit and ask "why have I brought this to me?" Because victim is when someone takes your power and may the heavens bless whomever tries to take theirs, because it's going to be a bad time for them. And it's not about them. They are the fly on the windshield of a bigger picture.

When one is empowered, one has taken off the blinders. We can see all, we know that being sad is okay, and we know that stepping away from the pain, that true healing is what we deserve. So we get up and move on in an authentic way.

So, no, I don't want my children free of pain, I want them equipped with a box full of tools to wade through, to hurt, to feel, to heal, to learn and to move on.

To move through a life that is for them, that spills from them and that they know without a doubt that they are the main character in. No one kills your vibe, no one takes your power, no one turns you into a victim, you are god. You are god. You are god. Everything works out for you. Not because rainbows and butterflies but because of perspective and emotional health. 

 

Make mistakes, get messy, know that you are supported, empowered and loved.

Get well, no really.

I found Ezekiel laying in bed,  I asked if I could come up or if some alone time was needed.

Z: "You can come up here with me."

Me: "So, what's up, Z?"

Z: "I'm just feeling really sad."

Me: "It's okay to feel sad. Sadness is an incredibly helpful tool to connect us to ourselves and let's us know that we need to take a pause."

Z: "well, do ya know what would make me feel better? Watching a show would make me feel better."

Me: *big sigh* I have to sit with myself before I calmly respond.

"Ezekiel, the tv doesn't exist to solve your problems. It is not for distraction from our sadness or unpleasant emotions. You know what does exist to help you feel better? You. You exist to navigate these feelings, you exist to sit with that feeling of sadness and work through it. And that's why I'm here too! To help you with the heavy, hard emotions. We can talk if you ever need, I'm here.  And when you feel better, when you have felt and released and sat and cried and taken a breath, you can watch all the tv you want."

Z: "okay mom, I can do that, I need a hug."

*hug*


This exchange is a big deal. I am not willing to do whatever it takes to stop Ezekiel from being sad. I am willing to do what it takes to navigate emotions. Vices don't exist to heal us, only we can do that. When using vices, we get by, but we don't get well. We shift addiction, we hope our problems pass us by, and time does, but we remain sick. And sad. And stuck.

And I'm so sorry for when your parents couldn't, I'm so sorry for when they didn't. But it's up to us now, to get well. To be authentically well and connect to our children to keep them well. Not MAKE them well, because children are born well. But to show them emotional health, walk with them when it's hard, heal our own trauma. It's up to us now.

 

Continue To Choose



We all make choices, it is important to fall in love with every choice we make, but also being mindful, that we don't just make a decision about what shapes our lives, who we surround ourselves with, once or twice in life. We have to continue to choose it. That partner, job, mom group, relationship. These are the choices that shape the world around us.

Continuing to choose with our actions, words, intention and by our other small choices that ripple into bigger picture choices.

We must be mindful, as you grow and shift, you need re-evaluate these choices, you can stop choosing and redirect your life.

It is imperative that we also let go. Dragging an old friend around because they did a lot for you during a difficult season is not serving either of you if the relationship is not life giving. Choose different, participate in your life. Look out for future you, continue to choose in all aspects of your life, this is how we all get well.

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Not All Heros Wear Capes. Sometimes They Wear Diapers and Throw Tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.

I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.

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My Children Do Not Empty Me

I create success by including my children into my self care, resisting a "go to bed, get away from me so I can self care!!!" approach. Because of this, I can maintain, I can keep my cool, I can breathe while they are around me. I meditate or chant or hum affirmations at the park, in the shower, during dance class. I fill myself while they are having fun. I must. If I do not, I associate my children with the idea that THEY empty me. They do not empty me, the way I parent empties or fills me. The expectations I carry, the insecurities, that is what depletes me. Not my children. They only shed light to where I am lacking. They say with their being "Hey, mama, we want to remind you of your own limitless potential." I self parent. I hug my inner child when she is feeling reactionary. I sing to her and tell her she is good. I fill myself because in looking to anyone or anything outside of myself for that, I will be setting myself up for failure, I will be setting that relationship up for failure and resentment.

It is up to me to connect with myself, before I can even know how to connect with my kids.

Include your kids in your self care. Hold your hand over your heart and know that you are love, deep breathe with them at the grocery store, share with them your coping mechanisms so they see it as normal, they remember the feeling it gave you, of calmness, of laughter, the ability to be present and they can carry that on into their own lives forever.

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’thave many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:

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The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.

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It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Whether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.

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