Life and time to build a new one, little bitch.

 

People tend to shift blame if something in their life doesn't look or feel good to them. That's immediately easier than other, healthy options.

 

In parenting, it's easy to blame children for things that aren't their fault.

 

A few years ago, I got really attached to the idea of going back to my previous career as a dog groomer, I was thinking constantly how I could walk into any grooming shop, test and get a job right on the spot.

But I would get agitated at the idea of having to put the kids in daycare, then what would be the point of working, with little take home financially.

Instead of broadening my options, I used my children as a reason I could not work.

That was not even fucking true.

But I made it true.

What I eventually understood was that -I- needed to shift my perspective, reach into my toolbox and help myself out of feeling sorry for myself.

I needed to develop my passions and seek an inclusive career.

That felt harder than complaining.

But I shifted any way and now I can realize how much harder blaming my kids for something that was not their fault and the resentment that was slowly growing as a result was for my mental health, for our relationship.

That is the type of difficult I no longer tolerate.

Another example is when I was caught up in the idea of how much "easier" little things would be if I could do them alone, something that, with a partner that is often on 80+ hour work weeks, was not available to me.

Going to the grocery store,

popping in a shop, real quick,

getting in the car.

Literally anything, little things.

Dinner prep.

Living unscripted,

going to a show,

hanging out with friends without having to arrange a sitter.

It got really bad, I got really bad, investing into this timeline that wasn't even real.

I was making myself absolutely miserable by focusing on this shit.

This was not going to be.

So why in the fuck was I so determined to bring it up in my mind?

Once again, I needed to shift my perspective with what I had.

I pulled my thoughts back into reality.

I had a meeting with myself to wake up, but while being gentle.

Having small kids can be hard with the tools society gives you.

The expectation that it's hard. Does it have to be?

I was convinced it did for a while too.

But I no longer buy into the idea that life is hard and the only way I can function is coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.

I looked at what I -could- do. How I could set myself up for success and include my children into my dream life.

From easy things like picking our outfits out the day before, to making sure everyone was fed, needs met before I was like "LET'S DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS!"

Planned chaos.

To calling myself out.

To being like "What are you doing!?"

YOU. And only YOU need to change your mind.

You need to focus on all the ways your children help you.

How you have grown.

How you have beautifully shifted.

Become stronger and better because of them.

Not microscope and complain how you CaN't HaV tHe LiFe you had before.

Build a new one, little bitch.

So I did.

I decided that my children always AND ONLY call me to be better.

So if there was something I was missing, I restructured to include them, or I decided that I didn't need it in the new life we were going to create.

I moved on and I stopped blaming my children for my choices. These were my choices and it took some painful awareness to figure it out. It took peeling back layers of mothering, society, myself, limiting beliefs. It took closing doors and building boundaries and leaving a collective thought of how mothers "have to" exist in the world.

But it's the best fucking thing I have ever done. My kids are my best friends, we spend our days and weeks and months co creating. No resentment any more. No "IF ONLY"

Just, life. Right now.

Not All Heros Wear Capes. Sometimes They Wear Diapers and Throw Tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.

I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.

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What it looks like to drop expectations with kids.

Whenever I make plans with another person, I have two strategies, one where I don't tell the children at all who we are going to see until we see them, it's exciting, it's fun and usually I use this particular strategy when the person is planning on coming to our house. The reason I don't tell them who is coming over is that if plans are canceled or something comes up for the person, I don't have to go through the disappointment of the failed expectation. The day goes on as usual, I text "That's totally fine, see you another day!" And wish them well. Because that is genuinely how I feel  It's easy to get caught up in being offended when something goes different than expected. "We HAD A PLAN!" "NOW MY KIDS ARE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED, WAY TO GO!" But it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have control over what other people do. We don't have control over traffic or the weather or anything but ourselves, which brings me to my next approach:

I tell the kids where we are going and who we are meeting, but I also say "These are OUR plans, we are going to -this place- FOR SURE and we MAY see -so and so- BUT if they don't end up coming, it's no big deal, right? We will still have the best time, because we aren't in charge of other people's lives. Only our own!"

And then naturally, kids are very excited.

 We have had this happen several times where the person we are meeting had had to cancel. The kids have fun either way, Z usually says "MOM, THEY CAME, THEY REALLY DID COME, I KNEW IT, YAY" and then we have the best time or if not, Z might bring it up "I wish I could have saw -so and so-, but maybe another time!" And I say, absolutely right, we still had a good time, we can see them again soon.

This helps in a lot of ways. I avoid having any anger at my friends, they have lives and shit happens, when I decide that it doesn't affect me, even when we made plans, then it doesn't. I don't have to have any conversation that starts with "I'm sorry" or "can you believe it, they aren't coming..." Because I don't EXPECT either way. I love seeing my friends and when they do manage to get their brood out like I managed to get mine, it is wonderful and fills my heart. But the opposite doesn't happen if they cancel.  In telling the kids that we made a plan, but sometimes plans change,  I am empowering them, that their emotions and whether it's a "good" or a "bad" day is only up to them and absolutely no one else.

Don't place your happiness in anyone else's hands. Only let your "village" enhance the happiness you already create. Life is beautiful when you claim your power. This is what that looks like day to day.

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Lessons from a dancing flower

wordswag_1475693621312 I love this beautiful being. The ridiculous gender stereotypes that I had helped uphold for society were all brought to the surface as Ezekiel began to grow, Z showed me who they were, what they liked, what they gravitated toward and I listened. More reluctantly at first because, after all, I needed to project the all important gender boxes to be a good parent right, I didn't want Z to get made fun of, right? Fear based decisions kept me from allowing Ezekiel from living in their truth. What a disservice. What a tragedy if I didn't check myself and wake the fuck up. Does this mean Ezekiel is gay? Trans? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN that Z loves pink and is the equivalent of a flower dancing in the wind in every motion Z makes? What does it mean? Well, the lovely thing is, it doesn't mean anything...or it could? Fuck the labels and the boxes. It means freedom, it means having the power explore, it means Ezekiel will bloom into the person they were always meant to be. "But won't HE look back at pictures of HIM in dresses and be embarrassed?!" What is embarrassing about expression, about art, about genuine happiness? If what Z chooses to be clothed in different style clothes, look like a different version of themselves, express themselves as whatever, it will be nothing more than the evolution of self that we all go through. Z will always know that body autonomy and respect was number one in all choices.

Being loving to your children, empowering them, holding space for them to trust themselves, allowing them to show you who they are, these are the keys in life and when someone is unloving toward them, it won't matter. Because they know they look amazing. They know they are amazing. Kids are born confident. What has potential to destroy that is your unconscious dialog and actions. "Oh, look at her hair, how ridiculous" "Omg, they look HORRIBLE, how could they even wear that and think in looked good."  Etc etc on and on and on. Wake up in your speech, your children are listening. Even in the unloving things you say about yourself. "My thighs are so gross" and kids think "thighs can be gross? Are -my- thighs gross?" Replace your unlovely speech with life giving words "I am strong, Oh, looks like I'll need a bigger size, that's no big deal, Those pants look amazing on you, oh, that hat looks so great on them.." Refuse to continue to bully yourself, to be your kid's first bully, unconsciously. Let love grow, bigger than your fear.

Everybody deserves respect.

Let's get rid of the idea that the size of a thing is the measure of its power? Just because children are in tiny bodies doesn't mean they are less important or less or anything. How do you measure "Power"? Your physical strength over another being? I think that's pretty gross. If you feel powerful when making others feel small or by controlling them physically without their consent, it's criminal.  Hurting children to make them behave, to do what you want is actually really narcissistic and abusive because you are basing everyone else's existence on your perceived morals, not actual facts. What if what is best for you or what you think is best for you is not serving the person that your child is? Why isn't that the moral dilemma? You are not raising mini mes and to do so is to break the spirit of another human, forcing them to fall in line or respect you based on fear. And you think that is what "respect" looks like. No wonder my generation is riddled with anxiety and depression, the fear instilled in us has crippled our greatness. And I absolutely believe it stems from the twisted idea that fear was more respectful than love. More practical, more useful.

Respect is based on compassion. To see another person and realize the humanity you both share in having a human experience, not because of what they do or don't do, because they exist on earth, it is not something that needs to be earned. Everyone deserves respect. EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT. It takes nothing from you to send a loving thought to an enemy.

Slug of Atmosphere said it best "Do ya thang, Honey, as long as your thing ain't got a single thing to do with me." Respect your boundaries. Respect the boundaries of others.

Because what are we teaching our children about social interactions when we judge people based on the decisions they make about their own lives? They don't deserve respect because of how they live? That is so strange to me, because people are accountable for their own actions and no one else's. Your kids are listening when you speak fear and hatred. They also listen when you speak love and compassion. Work to change your dialog. Listen to yourself talk.

Respect all life, starting with your children, show them that even the smallest creatures deserve respect and that love does not EVER include violence.

Television Breaks

We are in the beginning days of a TV hiatus. It happens occasionally where I get so beyond tired of the subtle nuances of societies dysfunction that is weaved into EVERYTHING. It's everywhere and it's difficult to raise conscious children when they are casually being pummeled with societies ideas of what is normal. The idea that one cannot have a relationship with the opposite sex without it being romantic.

All the "oooOOOOOooooh's" when a female character says a simple "hello" to a male character. The teasing and giggles that ensue even in child geared cartoons has me shaking my head. Like, what? Let them be human beings with relationships of all sorts without all this pressure to always excel it into more.

The idea that clothing/color has gender.

Fabric. Cut and seen together with thread. Colors are for everyone. The right to choose what covers one's body no matter what it looks like is a key part of body autonomy. The freedom to wear anything a child chooses without judgment (because why?) Without anyone else having an opinion BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR BODY. I have had to start challenging this idea because it is so constantly coming up in kid's shows. No boy wants to look like a girl! It's the ultimate insult, no one wants to throw like, act like, be like A GIRL. Get the fuck outta here with all that.

I do appreciate that it opens up a dialog between Ezekiel and I, but it also seems very much like a everyone Vs. mom stand point, which is exhausting and also why I don't outlaw TV completely, because I don't live my life in absolutes. Cleansing is helpful, it allows you to be present in the choices you are making for your family and the direction you are collectively drifting as a unit.

I know there are some great shows out there with compelling messages, but I just can't even turn on the set right now. Even though it makes my life easier, even though it seems if they aren't occupied with TV, they are fighting, they are getting into the exact thing I'd rather them not....It's better than me fighting against the subtle messages of a sick society constantly.

 

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Dissapearing Moments

You're touching your belly and imagining what they'll look like. You're losing your mind with nursing every two hours, with sore boobs and drowning in demanding baby cries.

Will these moments ever end? Will I get through this? You have no idea how fast.

You have a watchful eye because they are getting a hang of their bodies....kinda. You become a nervous spotter, for what seems like ever, but it's not.

The words come and you become the ultimate encourager.

Then the words don't stop. and then all of a sudden, you re holding a giant boy body and listening to endless chatter.

The moments that seemed to never end have disappeared and you are left with memories of the times you were drowning in not long go.

You heard it a lot, time goes fast, but you didn't really know until you saw it before your eyes.

Don't blink <3

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