Social media update

I have discovered that the model and structure of social media is not suitable or sustainable for what I need in regards to connection. I spent years desperately seeking friendships, but all of my friends lived hundreds, even thousands of miles away. The likelihood of us ever meeting, is slim to none.

These kids I got to see grow up, the snippets of their lives I got to witness, was so special to me, but when I'd mention their name to my children, they would say "who?" Because they hadn't seen what I had, they couldn't form long distance relationships like I had.

I wasn't seeing the fruits of my relationships in my children's lives.

And in fact, it was doing the opposite, I spent time "in connection" with my friends on social media, time that took me away from the world in front of me. Took me away from them. They saw me on my phone, they didn't think "Mom is spending quality time with her friends" (social media doesn't hold space for quality time.) They just saw that I wasn't present with them.

A photo of a child was a photo of a child and they all meshed together and they were all imaginary to them. Like a photo of a celebrity's child in a magazine.

I yearned for connection so desperately, especially during the pandemic, I needed it like oxygen. And it became easy to retreat from the people I was constantly around, because they were constantly around. My body was responding from the trauma of isolation.

What I didn't realize, was that because I had this perspective of "all my friends live in my phone" it prevented me from creating in person relationships.

I didn't need to acknowledge the person in the toy aisle, I didn't need to strike up a conversation at the park. I had my phone. And I had my friends. What does that show our children about modeling social behaviors? Social media was a world my children were isolated from, and as I became more present in it, in what I thought, what I was offered as connection, as a result, withdrew me from them.

My time off social media has opened my world, the one I exist in. I talk to everyone, I have made friends I run into at the grocery store, my kids know and PLAY with their kids.

I desperately miss a lot of people, it has not been easy to dismiss them from my life, to dismiss all the beautiful things they shared with me.

But I cannot avoid the reality that, I could interact with them, yes, but I could not be CLOSE to them. And I need to be close. I can no longer "stare into the windows of my friends homes" and pretend I know them. That we are connected. Liking comments, a quick back an forth and maybe a DM sometimes is not a relationship. And I need more.

I have much to continue to ponder, but this I know for sure, I need to hug my friends. I need to be connected to the community my children are growing in. And the facade of social media kept me from that. I feel like a newcomer in a town I've lived in for 10 years. I dismissed it as boring, planned adventures far away, when in reality. I have found everything I was looking for right here.

Local theater, amazing schools, events, people, friends. That I was blinded to because my life was in my phone.

I send all of you my love. I miss you, I'll see you again when I can build balance and have life on both sides of the phone.