People tend to shift blame if something in their life doesn't look or feel good to them. That's immediately easier than other, healthy options.
In parenting, it's easy to blame children for things that aren't their fault.
A few years ago, I got really attached to the idea of going back to my previous career as a dog groomer, I was thinking constantly how I could walk into any grooming shop, test and get a job right on the spot.
But I would get agitated at the idea of having to put the kids in daycare, then what would be the point of working, with little take home financially.
Instead of broadening my options, I used my children as a reason I could not work.
That was not even fucking true.
But I made it true.
What I eventually understood was that -I- needed to shift my perspective, reach into my toolbox and help myself out of feeling sorry for myself.
I needed to develop my passions and seek an inclusive career.
That felt harder than complaining.
But I shifted any way and now I can realize how much harder blaming my kids for something that was not their fault and the resentment that was slowly growing as a result was for my mental health, for our relationship.
That is the type of difficult I no longer tolerate.
Another example is when I was caught up in the idea of how much "easier" little things would be if I could do them alone, something that, with a partner that is often on 80+ hour work weeks, was not available to me.
Going to the grocery store,
popping in a shop, real quick,
getting in the car.
Literally anything, little things.
going to a show,
hanging out with friends without having to arrange a sitter.
It got really bad, I got really bad, investing into this timeline that wasn't even real.
I was making myself absolutely miserable by focusing on this shit.
This was not going to be.
So why in the fuck was I so determined to bring it up in my mind?
Once again, I needed to shift my perspective with what I had.
I pulled my thoughts back into reality.
I had a meeting with myself to wake up, but while being gentle.
Having small kids can be hard with the tools society gives you.
The expectation that it's hard. Does it have to be?
I was convinced it did for a while too.
But I no longer buy into the idea that life is hard and the only way I can function is coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.
I looked at what I -could- do. How I could set myself up for success and include my children into my dream life.
From easy things like picking our outfits out the day before, to making sure everyone was fed, needs met before I was like "LET'S DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS!"
To calling myself out.
To being like "What are you doing!?"
YOU. And only YOU need to change your mind.
You need to focus on all the ways your children help you.
How you have grown.
How you have beautifully shifted.
Become stronger and better because of them.
Not microscope and complain how you CaN't HaV tHe LiFe you had before.
Build a new one, little bitch.
So I did.
I decided that my children always AND ONLY call me to be better.
So if there was something I was missing, I restructured to include them, or I decided that I didn't need it in the new life we were going to create.
I moved on and I stopped blaming my children for my choices. These were my choices and it took some painful awareness to figure it out. It took peeling back layers of mothering, society, myself, limiting beliefs. It took closing doors and building boundaries and leaving a collective thought of how mothers "have to" exist in the world.
But it's the best fucking thing I have ever done. My kids are my best friends, we spend our days and weeks and months co creating. No resentment any more. No "IF ONLY"
Just, life. Right now.