We don't raise boys until they are men.

There is something I have noticed when my third child is on the play ground that has lead way to a deeper theory.

On days where Eponine, who is 15 months is dressed in more boyish attire, as society categorizes things, people and children are more hands off, they leave her alone completely, she is free to explore and even climb up the slide, scandalous.

But when she is seen as female, oh my gosh, she can't go anywhere without another kid holding her hand, helping her up the stairs, parents asking "Whos baby is this?!" when she is exploring, the care for her "delicacy" is increased 100 fold.

And aside from the polar opposition and lack of balance I these social norms. It hit me. We don't raise boys. We enter them in battle dome and encourage assertion, aggression. We don't lay forth the intricacies of emotion. We don't bring attention to the subtle nuances of the behavior of others. We don't raise boys. We leave them alone and pretend they have it handled. We even have a saying for it, most often with shrugged shoulders and hands in the air. "Boys will be boys" because we don't hold them accountable we don't teach them.

And so they become angry and scared and feel like they need to have it all together with little guidance. They grow to believe they are strong, that they must prove themselves, that they have power over other people, femme people. And this is rooted in such toxicity and sexism, from birth.

Until.

The magical number, 18. Okay. You know all there is to know, my son, go forth and find a mate and this is where shit gets real because this is where they gain their first parent.

The girlfriend. The wife. Has been conditioned to raise the man. To change him.

To carry the years of trauma and unpack that bag for him while packing his lunch the night before.

We are expected to raise our partners. Because they have never once been challenged. They have never once been handed a key to the inner workings of who they are. So they are angry. Unhinged. Often abusive. But girls have been groomed for this. To take this on and try and parent these grown men.

Because they have remained untouched and monitored by the whole of society all their lives.

We see this play out on TV, in our own lives, I can think of at least 10 men I was made to parent in my adulthood. Because we don't parent boys. We leave them be until we are their wives and partners and try to undo all of this damage.

This has to stop.

This is a complex issue, but I believe it is so woven into the fabric of society and one of the main factors of toxic masculinity. You can see how broken a person would be when they are left alone so long. We are training them to abuse themselves and the world around them.

Continuing this cycle.

We must stop grooming our girls to raise our men.

To accept abuse as love.

The path the sovereignty, to unconditional love is long when you are buried under so much conditioning. This is why I do what I do, to guide us all into ourselves so we can be better from the start.

 

Raise children the same way, with compassion, emotion, respect for who they already are. The seed contains the entire tree and we must do our part to guide them.