May Trouble Find You

I don't want my children free from trouble. I want them to understand that where trouble exists, so do solutions, so does lessons, so does their strength.

I want them to know that they are the gods of their own stories and that they may walk hand in hand with their problems, because pain and trauma are finite, but their will, their passion, their strength, love and power are not.

The script is theirs. The power is theirs. To sit and ask "why have I brought this to me?" Because victim is when someone takes your power and may the heavens bless whomever tries to take theirs, because it's going to be a bad time for them. And it's not about them. They are the fly on the windshield of a bigger picture.

When one is empowered, one has taken off the blinders. We can see all, we know that being sad is okay, and we know that stepping away from the pain, that true healing is what we deserve. So we get up and move on in an authentic way.

So, no, I don't want my children free of pain, I want them equipped with a box full of tools to wade through, to hurt, to feel, to heal, to learn and to move on.

To move through a life that is for them, that spills from them and that they know without a doubt that they are the main character in. No one kills your vibe, no one takes your power, no one turns you into a victim, you are god. You are god. You are god. Everything works out for you. Not because rainbows and butterflies but because of perspective and emotional health. 

 

Make mistakes, get messy, know that you are supported, empowered and loved.

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’thave many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:

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The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.

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It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Whether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.

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Personal Empowerment and Life Coaching

When you are feeling lost, buried, suffocated, hopeless and helpless, often times it takes someone who has been there to not only sit with you in darkness, but say "It's time to release and move on, you don't have to sit here alone forever." This is what I offer in my Personal Empowerment sessions. Over phone, skype, email  or in person I Offer:

-Love and understanding

- Evaluation of your current life and what you want your future to look like

-Devising a plan of action that will work for your unique situation.

-Self Discovery

-Celebration with you

-Email availability

-I support you in your journey to wholeness and freedom

-and more...

I spent a lot of my life suffering, wondering "why me?" I spent all my time giving my power away to those who abused it. I decided long ago that my power was for me and no one would make me feel any type of way. I am the captain of my ship. I live in love and have created and designed the exact life that I want to live. These sessions are about you being committed to doing the work and putting advice into action, I did the work and continue to evolve. My skills are fought for, my advice is lived. My perspective is unique.

No cost 20 minute initial consultation available to ensure compatibility

Cost

All payments will be exchanged via paypal

$65 per session (1 hour)

Email me here for questions and to book your empowerment session, I look forward to working with you.

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Life Without Religion

*More specifically, Christianity, which was my background once upon a time. For some people, it's hard to imagine living a life without religion. Some people even claim that is where all morals and reasons to be "good" come from. I believe this is from a lifetime of hearing we are broken, sinful people without the grace of God, which I absolutely do not believe. Living a life of thinking I needed to look outside myself at a patriarchal entity in order to be a good person, especially as a woman, was exhausting. To think at any moment you could backslide into oblivion at the hands of Satan. Fear. Staying in good graces in order to live by "His will" for my life. I have chosen to raise my children completely religion free. I acknowledge that they are good because they exist and that indoctrination of any idea is not in their best interest. They have thoughts and ideas and they ARE God. As are all of us. Here is what a life without religion looks like and requires.

-We have to take responsibility for our lives. Knowing that there is no God knowing what is best for us makes us follow our own path and use our own intuition instead of saying "God has a plan for me." You have to have a plan for yourself. Instead of waiting for signs, praying for signs, begging for a sign, waiting for your mate, waiting for your kids, waiting, waiting, waiting, You have to create your own life. You make your own way and it's only up to you to work it out, to build signs.

-You have to claim your own power. When you realize there is nobody guiding your ship but yourself, you are forced to wake from your below deck cabin and take your place at the helm. You can no longer cower and hide when storms come, you have to take charge and face it. You steer your ship into calm or wild waters, you are not at the mercy of any other captain but yourself.

-There is nothing to shift blame on. You cannot blame "bad" situations on an "evil" entity that is constantly trying to trick you, you don't have to wonder why God is putting you in these less than ideal situations BECAUSE HE'S NOT. You have to do the work and figure out why YOU brought this situation to you, it's intimidating but also empowering to know that whatever we experience in this lifetime is for our soul growth. We don't have to throw our hands in the air and claim "God's ways are higher than mine!" When we know we are God, we can actually figure out exactly why this is happening to us and move on.

-There are no wrong decisions.

Fear of making "the wrong decision"  can be crippling, when you realize the above factors, you realize there are absolutely no wrong decisions, because:

  1. You HAVE to trust yourself. And by practicing self trust, you learn to listen and trust your own intuition and make empowered decisions rather than decisions out of fear.

2. Any decision is going to be right because you made it, it either serves as a lesson...or a lesson. You win both ways. Perhaps it's one that takes you on the scenic route to where you want to go, but there is nothing wrong with that.

-But what about morals?

What about morals? When you trust yourself, when you realize you are your own advocate, you run your own life, you live in love and spotlight your own soul growth, all you have to focus on is how YOU feel at the end of the day. And since we are not flawed, we are perfect for the lessons we intended to learn in this lifetime, we are all good.

the building blocks are not living in fear, having respect for EVERYONE, I do not believe that respect has to be earned, I believe humanity deserves basic respect because they are human, and allowing space for people to grow and explore their own way, their own preference, their own quirks and patterns. Ditching religion was one of the best things I have ever done and I look forward to being in 100% charge of my life and growing, evolving, everyday.

Live in Love,

Amethyst

 

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How did I get here? Old stories of a girl who met her soulmate at thirteen.

This isn't a pleasant story with a feel good ending. The nature of a soul mate is that the connection is electric, intense, all consuming. Having a relationship of that nature at such a young age was confusing ...for everyone. I know, I know, first loves are always intense, but this was different. This was the result of a soul contract, we agreed to meet in this lifetime before we got here. Feeling these emotions at thirteen was overwhelming, hearing "You can't fall in love that young. You don't love each other, you don't even know what love is at thirteen." I did and it was a beautiful and awful adventure and I will never discount anyone's level of feeling love based on their age, what a silly concept, really.

This is a very long story that I will overwhelming shorten considerably and jump to the aftermath of what happened, not because it hurts, but because I am so far removed from this story, it feels like I'm telling someone else's. I spent years healing from these wounds and holding this girl that went through this trauma. She is tired and the version you see of me is grateful for her strength but I am not that person.

After a while of living in this tornado of emotions, my mother forbid me from seeing him, this is where my life fell apart. Not just because of this, but it was certainly a catalyst to open the floodgates of trying to be my own person living in deep codependency with a person you didn't cross or upset.

This is where the self depreciating behavior started, cutting, punching, hurting myself and actually, when I started stretching my ears because of the pain. I didn't want to be on earth most of the time, I was fucking trapped in this body, in this house, in this family, on this planet. I was alone. I realized later that, being a Medium and having absolutely not grasp of the spirit world or any boundaries, there were many tormented spirits tormenting me because it was easy. I was failing school. My very expensive seventh grade education. I either had A's or F's so this lead everyone to think I was lazy, which lead to counselor after counselor, which lead to discovering I couldn't read. I was diagnosed with autism, general anxiety disorder, ADHD, PTSD, depression and even borderline personality at one point. This lead to the medicine. Adderall. Made me as numb as I wanted to be. Made me a robot, it saved me because I felt invisible, I didn't FEEL anything! What magic is this?!

As time went on and I was just existing, not feeling started to get weird, so I would do things to feel. The cutting got worse. The "cries for help" the "you just want attention" well, for someone to notice me drowning would have been nice, but I just wanted to feel.

I transferred schools here and there, this is where my eyesight went bad, I am pretty convinced it was a result of me wanting to not live my life and wanting so badly to escape that I didn't even want to see what my life had become and my body responded. The anxiety got worse. The diagnosis this time: Agoraphobia.

I would get somewhere and panic in the parking lot, I would panic so much that I would black out.

I remember my first panic attack, I fell to the ground so hard that I had to have surgery on the ear I busted open. I was thirteen. Then I had one every day since then.

Amidst this shit show, my family attended what you would call a "mega church" and in our family church wasn't what you would call "optional"  I would sob every Saturday night. I would hide in the closet. But I wanted to be good so bad that I would go. Two tabs of Klonopin and I would go.

This is what life looked like for a long time. I met another boy, because codependents will codependent! I thought he saved me from a lot of things, but it just gave me something else to think about. Around this time I got a service dog, she really did save me. I was able to leave my house, my yard, but not go far because my disease wasn't physical and people would ask questions, people would look at me and tell mall security that I had a dog in the mall. They would ask me to leave because while I knew the ADA inside and out and while I had it written on her service dog card, I was already sweating through my shirt, I was already chocking for air and I was already defeated. But we could go some places and we did. And she saved me.

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I would like to conclude this here and perhaps continue another day. I would also like people to know that soul mates always have a purpose, but that doesn't mean they need to be part of your life forever. You don't owe anyone for the good times, especially after they turn toxic, which often happens. It is the universe saying "this contract has ended, it's time to move on." I thank that boy I met, I later learned why we agreed to meet, he wanted to save me from something that would have been more traumatic, and truthfully, he was the only thing that kept me alive for several years. I knew something so beautiful still existed through the unbearable weight of all the pain. Love. What a blessing through such trials. The contract has ended, we will never see each other again and if we did, I am healed. I am no longer that person.

Living in Love

The only thing I have come to care about is being happy, people don't understand when I say "I do whatever I want", they have a filter of it being selfish, narcissistic, even. It is so foreign with how we were raised: to be living a life, to be a successful member of society, you have to  pay our dues, we were told "You can't be a successful artist, you won't make any money" "Go to college, get a stable job" and that was just what we all tried to do, and we drown in monotonous sadness. We wake up every morning swimming in anxiety and depression because we are afraid of life. We don't feel supported, we don't trust ourselves, we don't love ourselves. Our ability to take charge of our lives and truly live was stifled out of us because that is the way the machine works. We were told we would do great things, we would change the world, and that's fine, but, let me tell you, I have no problem being and feeling ordinary. I flourish and become who I am when I realize that these "great things" I was supposed to be doing can include raising my kids, being the parent they need instead of trying to change them. Getting out of bed and being happy, watching a show on netflix...or a whole season, because that brings me joy and that is the GREATEST thing I could ever do for myself, my kids, my family and the world. So, it is exactly what I said, I truly only do what I want, I only do what I love do, I LIVE in love, so paying bills, taking my kids somewhere I don't particularly enjoy (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?) Having conflicts with people, getting a parking ticket...I love it, because I am putting love into the situation.

I take away joy and lessons and beauty from every circumstance. I got to park 2 spots away from the beach for 7 hours (in 2 hour parking, oops!) For 50 bux, worth it! I got to argue and gain insight about myself and the other person showed me exactly what their intentions are whether meaning to or not, how great! I watch my money disappear with an expensive bill, awesome! I am supporting myself and my wonderful life for another month and will receive joy in return! When I say "I do whatever I want" it is not the same as a person acting out hate, fear, etc. I don't do it at the detriment of other people, it may make people uncomfortable, but I don't have a problem with causing people to question themselves. I love bringing new perspective and the idea that you don't HAVE to do things just because that's how you have been doing them. Change your mind! You don't have to live in your parents beliefs, you don't have to have those friends you hate or go tolerate that person that drains you.

As a result of the work I have put in, knowledge of self, seeking my shadows, getting to know the side of myself I didn't want anyone to know about. Sorting through my pain and keeping my ego in check. Healing my inner child wounds. THE painful WORK. Because of how I choose to live my life. I put love into it, I give love to everything I do, and I make sure the choices I am making are making me happy.

This doesn't mean I don't feel sadness or anger or any other completely healthy emotion, that is part of the human experience! I work WITH my emotions, I find out where they are coming from, I sit with them and feel them without judging myself, because being a human is hard, but that is the thing you realize when you live in love, just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. Just because something doesn't feel good, doesn't mean it's bad. Lessons, I called this situation to me because I am the God of my story, I will learn more about myself through struggles, I am empowered to insert love into every situation because I believe I created it (I am only in charge of my reactions, not other people's actions.) for my soul growth. So, Love, Love Love, speak your truth and Yes, I do WHATEVER the fuck I want, because, happiness. <3

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I can help you get started on your work. Email me at thehealedmother@gmail.com

Stuck.

This week I have had several friends contact me about being in old head spaces and falling into old patterns. This can be really discouraging, to think that you have come so far and feel so fragile. But let me tell you, you are strong and this doesn't mean you are any less far along or any less of a warrior. Going through something traumatic, no matter what it is, is like having a part of yourself stuck in that moment forever, or at least until healing happens. Long after the event is over, know and unknown triggers occur, placing you in that exact moment over and over and over again. Every part of your brain and body believes it is back in that moment goes back into survival mode. This was my life for a long time, the triggers got so bad, the panic attacks took over my life. I didn't leave my house and if I did, it was hell.

It's hard to imagine myself as that person again, it's been a long journey. I stand before you completely trigger free, no longer trapped in those moments. I took my power back from the people/places/things who stole it from me.

TRANSFORMATION:

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I found key to overcoming a panic attack is to let myself know I was NOT back there by affirming "This is a new day, one I have never lived before. I am a new person. I will never be back in that space again." Over and over and over with every breathe.

Another important thing to do is cut the energetic cord that attaches you to that moment. This can be done a number of ways, but I use visualization. Imagine a cord from my body to the event. I separate the cord into two. One is everything that continues to serve me. The other is everything that drains and harms me. I imagine a great sword severing the second cord and sealing off the end. This can also be done with people and relationships. It is important to always send whatever it is on the other side of the severed cord love and light, so they no longer feel a need to reattach. After this process I say out loud "And so it is." it's pretty simple, it works and it's changed my life.

I am a powerful force, I am not a victim, I am strong. And so are you.

 

Love to you.

 

 

 

 

It's Time.

This has been a time of swift transformation and discovering myself as an alchemist. I am no longer the person I was a year ago and not even a shadow of who I was two years ago. Change is constant. I have been launched onto my path to my authentic self. The next step is upon me. Transformation so great calls for new definitions. Leaving behind old ideas, being reborn. I am called to be reborn unto this earth with my new spirit. I shed my name, a name that served me well for 27 years, I honor that name and the connections it has made for me. I send love and light to my old vibration and cut the cord of all that does not serve me. My new vibration calls for a breakthrough.

My name is Amethyst. I am new, I am pure, I am light. I speak my truth under my new title and there is no looking back.

For centuries, when people go through an intense spiritual rebirth, source changes their name. It's my time.

Amethyst holds many characteristics that I will strive for and describes me perfectly.

"In the psychic and spiritual realms, amethyst is an excellent all-purpose stone that can increase spirituality and enhance intuition and psychic powers of all kinds. It does this by making a clear connection between the earth plane and other planes and worlds. Amethyst is also excellent for meditation and lucid dreaming. It is used to open one's channels to telepathy, past life regression, clairaudience, clairvoyance, and communication with angels. Amethyst also protects against psychic attacks, especially during spiritual work"

This is my new life, thank you for sharing it with me.

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