Beyond Trauma

A lot of people still sitting in pain think it's absolutely impossible that I got up from mine.

They will lash out at new ideas, they will lash out at what could change their stories and identities.

People with childhood trauma and abuse cannot imagine being free from those wounds, we have been told it's a burden we have to carry forever, that not being properly loved by our parents or loved at all hurts so deeply that nothing could ever repair it.

This belief system is the equivalent of throwing an entire person in the trash and leaving them there to rot.

I am here saying that not being loved by my mother doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt ever, because I painstakingly sorted through that wound. I did not have a magic wand that made it all go away, I didn't even have an example of how to do this, how to travel through my pain for the last time. How to open that door of trauma I had held closed so desperately. I did it anyway.

It took a long time, I cried a lot. It was hard, impossible even, some days. But I chose to deeply heal. My childhood trauma does not define who I am, I get to define who I am. I am my own mother, I supply what she did not, I parent myself and my children, we are all seen heard and understood, because through my healing, I have navigated how. My inner child is no longer screaming, she sleeps, she laughs, she plays. She is present and joyful. So I can focus deeply on my own children's needs.

I could choose to see all the ways my mom failed me, abandoned me or I could see how

The person my mom was, was not someone I would even enjoy knowing or hanging out with or allowing near my children. Let alone trying to seek approval from or make proud. This belief is where my quote "I don't take advice from miserable people." Comes from, I don't care if you birthed me, if you are spreading your misery and pain onto people, I don't need your opinion.

I deeply began caring for myself, getting to know myself, I am the best mom to myself than anyone ever could be, my mom didn't abandon me, she was the adoptive caretaker until my own self mother could awaken.

What happened to you was horrific, I know how that feels, but maybe just maybe, it's time to explore that wound and grow past it.

Sincerely,

The empowered victim of childhood trauma who knows, experiences and lives different.

Yeah, I chose my narcissistic mom.

We don't always choose our parents because of rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes we plan knowing full well that our parents won't choose their authentic and whole selves. Especially as healers, who often need to acquire trauma, learn from it, heal from it and share our medicine, in the most empowered way.

The main question I get is "why would a child choose an abusive parent?"

And the answers are are vast as humans are individual.

I wouldn't know without reading their specific life path and soul needs.

But generally, here is why:

Children don't start out as we see them in our society, helpless and incapable.

They begin as limitless energy, close to source; all that is possible. They have a perspective that we cannot imagine because, we have forgotten over the years, for many reasons.

When we are setting goals for our lifetimes, we see many outcomes, we see what we need and how we need to get it, there is one thing though, that we forget while we are in this planning phase. And that's human emotion. We see this plan as a map to success for our soul growth, we do not see sadness, we do not see the terrible trauma we may have to carry for a while, because the perspective is higher than what we have to work with on earth. We forget social constructs and how poverty and capitalism is detrimental and draining, because when we are energy, all of that seems so insignificant. We are just planning. We are just setting us up for success.

So we add things to our path that seem horrible and hard to us as humans. Then we forget we ever did that and the general belief here on earth is that it's insane that we could even ever make a plan (how is that working for you, heh) , especially when it feels this bad.

But. It's all for growth.

So sometimes we choose dynamics that are hard. Because of the person we become when we are healed from them.

I chose my family of origin because I needed to be deeply in tune with how it feels to be voiceless, so I know how to navigate that darkness. I chose a mother that was always right. That was narcissistic and controlling. I chose a religious culture that stomped out my voice, I chose a path where I was meant to sit down and shut up. Because I needed to grow my voice big and loud and confident and I needed to grow up and leave and have my world fall apart in order to create everything I have now. Yes, I chose my narcissistic mother. Because of who I had to be after I healed. After I let go of her. After I had carried trauma and released it.

We just forget the release part. And it's time to remember who you are and why you came here. Because it was a choice. We are all empowered to choose different at any time, our brains and fear and the boxes we are placed in make that difficult to believe, but it’s true.

It's time to get in touch with your unchanging voice, the one we always carry but lose an ear for. It's still there.

Through my years as an energy reader, I have seen so many fascinating familial connections, family trauma, generational curses and family's that WORK, ones who are sovereign and full of unconditional love, ones struggling and lost, it has been the adventure of a lifetime to see how connections look, were meant to look and where to go from here.


If you want to know your path, roadmap or questions about your dynamic for growth, book a reading!

the point is, we all have free will, trauma makes people behave in a certain way for protection, we can work through that, or not. And life responds. While we may have hope and intention to deeply connect to who our parents are so they can deeply connect to us, it doesn’t always work out that way, there was glimpses when I saw my mother being authentic growing up, she was a vibrant, fun, intuitive person in those snapshots, but that wasn’t what she chose. And that is okay, because I chose to overcome, to shift perspective and see my own strength.

It doesn’t look or feel lovely and great when we look around at shattered families full of abuse, it’s confusing and awful, but when I can read the code to my own experience, it makes me feel powerful, I am steering this ship and going exactly where I always intended to.

Life and time to build a new one, little bitch.

 

People tend to shift blame if something in their life doesn't look or feel good to them. That's immediately easier than other, healthy options.

 

In parenting, it's easy to blame children for things that aren't their fault.

 

A few years ago, I got really attached to the idea of going back to my previous career as a dog groomer, I was thinking constantly how I could walk into any grooming shop, test and get a job right on the spot.

But I would get agitated at the idea of having to put the kids in daycare, then what would be the point of working, with little take home financially.

Instead of broadening my options, I used my children as a reason I could not work.

That was not even fucking true.

But I made it true.

What I eventually understood was that -I- needed to shift my perspective, reach into my toolbox and help myself out of feeling sorry for myself.

I needed to develop my passions and seek an inclusive career.

That felt harder than complaining.

But I shifted any way and now I can realize how much harder blaming my kids for something that was not their fault and the resentment that was slowly growing as a result was for my mental health, for our relationship.

That is the type of difficult I no longer tolerate.

Another example is when I was caught up in the idea of how much "easier" little things would be if I could do them alone, something that, with a partner that is often on 80+ hour work weeks, was not available to me.

Going to the grocery store,

popping in a shop, real quick,

getting in the car.

Literally anything, little things.

Dinner prep.

Living unscripted,

going to a show,

hanging out with friends without having to arrange a sitter.

It got really bad, I got really bad, investing into this timeline that wasn't even real.

I was making myself absolutely miserable by focusing on this shit.

This was not going to be.

So why in the fuck was I so determined to bring it up in my mind?

Once again, I needed to shift my perspective with what I had.

I pulled my thoughts back into reality.

I had a meeting with myself to wake up, but while being gentle.

Having small kids can be hard with the tools society gives you.

The expectation that it's hard. Does it have to be?

I was convinced it did for a while too.

But I no longer buy into the idea that life is hard and the only way I can function is coffee in the mornings and wine in the evenings.

I looked at what I -could- do. How I could set myself up for success and include my children into my dream life.

From easy things like picking our outfits out the day before, to making sure everyone was fed, needs met before I was like "LET'S DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS!"

Planned chaos.

To calling myself out.

To being like "What are you doing!?"

YOU. And only YOU need to change your mind.

You need to focus on all the ways your children help you.

How you have grown.

How you have beautifully shifted.

Become stronger and better because of them.

Not microscope and complain how you CaN't HaV tHe LiFe you had before.

Build a new one, little bitch.

So I did.

I decided that my children always AND ONLY call me to be better.

So if there was something I was missing, I restructured to include them, or I decided that I didn't need it in the new life we were going to create.

I moved on and I stopped blaming my children for my choices. These were my choices and it took some painful awareness to figure it out. It took peeling back layers of mothering, society, myself, limiting beliefs. It took closing doors and building boundaries and leaving a collective thought of how mothers "have to" exist in the world.

But it's the best fucking thing I have ever done. My kids are my best friends, we spend our days and weeks and months co creating. No resentment any more. No "IF ONLY"

Just, life. Right now.

perceived problems

I wanted to share with you something that happened between Escher (4) and Ezekiel (6) just now.

Escher had been looking for the tablets but he's Greg so couldn't find it (truth laugh) Ezekiel found it sometime later, causing a fight over the tablet. *PUSH PULL PUSH PULL*
Me: heyyyy, what's going on here? *I grab the tablet*

Escher and Ezekiel at once:
Z: I found it!
Escher: I was looking for it

Me: yo, Escher was looking for it all morning. *hands tablet to Escher*

Ezekiel: *cries*

"HE PROMISED I COULD WATCH A SHOW. HE PROMISED AND HE BROKE A PROMISE!!!"

Me: come here. *holds* there are no problems. So let's find a solution. What is your perceived problem?

Ezekiel: "escher didn't keep a promise"

Me: is it that escher didn't keep a promise orrrr that you don't get to watch a show? Get to the bottom, not the symptom.

Z: *crying* I wanna watch a showwwww

Me: okay, take a breath. Breathe. The things you say matter, there are no problems, only problematic thoughts about an issue. Especially in this house. Only solutions. I care about the things that are happening in your life, I care about the things you say and what you are going through. Breathe and release escher from this "problem" you don't need to drag him into your process. You putting it on him distracts you from making your own solutions. Bye Escher! Okay, now you are free to address the actual issue. You wanna watch a show. So. What can you do to make that a reality?

Z: *points to big tv*

Me: yes! Great! That's a solution! Now what?

Z: *a little exasperated* I dunno, ugh!

Me: you ask me that's it!

Z: smiles. *Wipes hair out of tear stained face* oh, haha. Yeah! "Can I watch a show, mom?"

Me: if course you can!

Z: *giggles. Hugs.* I love you mom.

This plays out in so many ways in everyone's lives over and over and over.

let's get to solution mindset and wade past all the noise of symptoms...

Get down to the perceived problem. Pointing to a sibling is usually only a symptom of the real perceived issue. We must become masters of emotion. Which means we have to work through our own and all the symptoms to our own bigger stuff.

Choose

 

You cannot feel guilty about which you feel powerful.

Guilt and power cannot exist within the same space.

We must learn how to make decisions from a powerful place.

Falling in love with your choices is imperative to emotional health. Even a choice that wasn't ideal, like your landlord selling the rental property you live in.

Instead of full on panicking, breathe. Realize that you need to be elsewhere, obviously,  and there is a place that is perfect for you,  you just haven't met yet. You move from fear to power and life is able to respond to you.

No one can make you feel bad for a choice you make, unless it hits on guilt you are already having.

From outfit choices, to self care, to parenting to life style, drop guilt. Choose to move forward in power.

When someone gives you shit about being on your phone in public, you already know you are a wonderful parent, in tune with your children.

When your mother in law says some shit about your cooking, you know you did your best.

Shit, when your husband leaves you. Choose to move forward knowing it's time to reevaluate the relationship with yourself. The highest priority is your own unconditional love journey, life responds.

We often times give our power to our fear, which, by nature, swallows it whole. 

 

So choose.

 

Guilt or Power.

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Things you can do when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit:

 

 

 

Being a piece of shit is a widely held belief that is passed down and never challenged. My existence is to challenge that belief and lead people to their limitlessness. Here are a few ways your life changes when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit.

1. Taking anything personally.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think every one else does too, so any thing someone says is seen through a negative, self conscious filter "omg, everyone is looking and laughing at me! People only pretend to like me!" Meanwhile, some person said a funny joke with nothing to do with you but they made eye contact with you cuz you're cute af.

 

2. You can stop reaching your hand up for help from a higher power when you are going through a hard time.

When you think you are a piece of shit, you think you aren't capable of solving your own problems. You have maybe even been conditioned to think you are a piece of shit and that you cannot mend your own broken heart. This is of course bullshit and when we realize this, we can stop wasting all of our time looking up and start looking at what is right in front of us. Healing our own problems.

 

3. You can stop giving from a place of lack.

When we believe we are a piece of shit, we give in order to maintain worth. We give from a place of desperation to be loved and seen because we don't believe we hold value in existence. Instead of searching for validation from that group you don't actually like or driving hours to help friends that don't invest in who you are or take the reigns on projects you don't have time for, you stop all that shit knowing you are worth a goddamn.

 

You are a sovereign self sustaining universe, when you stop thinking you are a piece of shit, you can rest in your own power knowing it's okay to release codependant contracts and feel safe doing so.

May Trouble Find You

I don't want my children free from trouble. I want them to understand that where trouble exists, so do solutions, so does lessons, so does their strength.

I want them to know that they are the gods of their own stories and that they may walk hand in hand with their problems, because pain and trauma are finite, but their will, their passion, their strength, love and power are not.

The script is theirs. The power is theirs. To sit and ask "why have I brought this to me?" Because victim is when someone takes your power and may the heavens bless whomever tries to take theirs, because it's going to be a bad time for them. And it's not about them. They are the fly on the windshield of a bigger picture.

When one is empowered, one has taken off the blinders. We can see all, we know that being sad is okay, and we know that stepping away from the pain, that true healing is what we deserve. So we get up and move on in an authentic way.

So, no, I don't want my children free of pain, I want them equipped with a box full of tools to wade through, to hurt, to feel, to heal, to learn and to move on.

To move through a life that is for them, that spills from them and that they know without a doubt that they are the main character in. No one kills your vibe, no one takes your power, no one turns you into a victim, you are god. You are god. You are god. Everything works out for you. Not because rainbows and butterflies but because of perspective and emotional health. 

 

Make mistakes, get messy, know that you are supported, empowered and loved.

Get well, no really.

I found Ezekiel laying in bed,  I asked if I could come up or if some alone time was needed.

Z: "You can come up here with me."

Me: "So, what's up, Z?"

Z: "I'm just feeling really sad."

Me: "It's okay to feel sad. Sadness is an incredibly helpful tool to connect us to ourselves and let's us know that we need to take a pause."

Z: "well, do ya know what would make me feel better? Watching a show would make me feel better."

Me: *big sigh* I have to sit with myself before I calmly respond.

"Ezekiel, the tv doesn't exist to solve your problems. It is not for distraction from our sadness or unpleasant emotions. You know what does exist to help you feel better? You. You exist to navigate these feelings, you exist to sit with that feeling of sadness and work through it. And that's why I'm here too! To help you with the heavy, hard emotions. We can talk if you ever need, I'm here.  And when you feel better, when you have felt and released and sat and cried and taken a breath, you can watch all the tv you want."

Z: "okay mom, I can do that, I need a hug."

*hug*


This exchange is a big deal. I am not willing to do whatever it takes to stop Ezekiel from being sad. I am willing to do what it takes to navigate emotions. Vices don't exist to heal us, only we can do that. When using vices, we get by, but we don't get well. We shift addiction, we hope our problems pass us by, and time does, but we remain sick. And sad. And stuck.

And I'm so sorry for when your parents couldn't, I'm so sorry for when they didn't. But it's up to us now, to get well. To be authentically well and connect to our children to keep them well. Not MAKE them well, because children are born well. But to show them emotional health, walk with them when it's hard, heal our own trauma. It's up to us now.

 

Not All Heros Wear Capes. Sometimes They Wear Diapers and Throw Tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.

I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.

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