Beyond Trauma

A lot of people still sitting in pain think it's absolutely impossible that I got up from mine.

They will lash out at new ideas, they will lash out at what could change their stories and identities.

People with childhood trauma and abuse cannot imagine being free from those wounds, we have been told it's a burden we have to carry forever, that not being properly loved by our parents or loved at all hurts so deeply that nothing could ever repair it.

This belief system is the equivalent of throwing an entire person in the trash and leaving them there to rot.

I am here saying that not being loved by my mother doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt ever, because I painstakingly sorted through that wound. I did not have a magic wand that made it all go away, I didn't even have an example of how to do this, how to travel through my pain for the last time. How to open that door of trauma I had held closed so desperately. I did it anyway.

It took a long time, I cried a lot. It was hard, impossible even, some days. But I chose to deeply heal. My childhood trauma does not define who I am, I get to define who I am. I am my own mother, I supply what she did not, I parent myself and my children, we are all seen heard and understood, because through my healing, I have navigated how. My inner child is no longer screaming, she sleeps, she laughs, she plays. She is present and joyful. So I can focus deeply on my own children's needs.

I could choose to see all the ways my mom failed me, abandoned me or I could see how

The person my mom was, was not someone I would even enjoy knowing or hanging out with or allowing near my children. Let alone trying to seek approval from or make proud. This belief is where my quote "I don't take advice from miserable people." Comes from, I don't care if you birthed me, if you are spreading your misery and pain onto people, I don't need your opinion.

I deeply began caring for myself, getting to know myself, I am the best mom to myself than anyone ever could be, my mom didn't abandon me, she was the adoptive caretaker until my own self mother could awaken.

What happened to you was horrific, I know how that feels, but maybe just maybe, it's time to explore that wound and grow past it.

Sincerely,

The empowered victim of childhood trauma who knows, experiences and lives different.

Fuck off, don't touch me.

Earlier this year, we had just arrived at the beach, Ezekiel was walking about 10 steps ahead of me when I saw a very large, drunk man approach Z, he reached down and picked Z up! Ezekiel was terrified, screaming "MOM, MOM!!!!!" I was sprinting, it all happened so fast, but it was also in slow motion. I lowered my voice about 15 octaves and demanded that he put Z down immediately. I don't think this person meant to relocate or do anything malicious, but it scared Ezekiel, so automatically, this is not okay. He stumbled down the side walk and left. I made sure Ezekiel knew that every way Z reacted was perfect and that what had happened was absolutely NOT okay. It is never okay for someone to touch your body without your permission and I wanted to empower and equip Z, so never again would that fear be felt.

That's when I decided screaming the phrase "FUCK OFF, DON'T TOUCH ME" At the top of your lungs was a solution. And we practiced. And we talked about reading people's energies and looking at their intentions before they even get near you. Approaching a family with kids if you are lost? Great idea. Someone sketchy coming up to you if they think you are alone, you know how to feel that out because you are strong and capable and smart. And if ANYONE touches you without your permission and you feel unsafe, you yell right in their face and you yell until they listen because, I'm not far behind.

And it has been helpful, it has been empowering and I will forever be grateful for words that scare people and make them pay attention, because when you are small, sometimes words are all you have.

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Lessons from a dancing flower

wordswag_1475693621312 I love this beautiful being. The ridiculous gender stereotypes that I had helped uphold for society were all brought to the surface as Ezekiel began to grow, Z showed me who they were, what they liked, what they gravitated toward and I listened. More reluctantly at first because, after all, I needed to project the all important gender boxes to be a good parent right, I didn't want Z to get made fun of, right? Fear based decisions kept me from allowing Ezekiel from living in their truth. What a disservice. What a tragedy if I didn't check myself and wake the fuck up. Does this mean Ezekiel is gay? Trans? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN that Z loves pink and is the equivalent of a flower dancing in the wind in every motion Z makes? What does it mean? Well, the lovely thing is, it doesn't mean anything...or it could? Fuck the labels and the boxes. It means freedom, it means having the power explore, it means Ezekiel will bloom into the person they were always meant to be. "But won't HE look back at pictures of HIM in dresses and be embarrassed?!" What is embarrassing about expression, about art, about genuine happiness? If what Z chooses to be clothed in different style clothes, look like a different version of themselves, express themselves as whatever, it will be nothing more than the evolution of self that we all go through. Z will always know that body autonomy and respect was number one in all choices.

Being loving to your children, empowering them, holding space for them to trust themselves, allowing them to show you who they are, these are the keys in life and when someone is unloving toward them, it won't matter. Because they know they look amazing. They know they are amazing. Kids are born confident. What has potential to destroy that is your unconscious dialog and actions. "Oh, look at her hair, how ridiculous" "Omg, they look HORRIBLE, how could they even wear that and think in looked good."  Etc etc on and on and on. Wake up in your speech, your children are listening. Even in the unloving things you say about yourself. "My thighs are so gross" and kids think "thighs can be gross? Are -my- thighs gross?" Replace your unlovely speech with life giving words "I am strong, Oh, looks like I'll need a bigger size, that's no big deal, Those pants look amazing on you, oh, that hat looks so great on them.." Refuse to continue to bully yourself, to be your kid's first bully, unconsciously. Let love grow, bigger than your fear.

New Moon Intention

I spent my night at a lovely moon circle surrounded by Goddesses. We used the energy of the collective to write letters to ourselves and set intentions. It was so powerful. This is what my automatic writing yielded:

I dress you in love. I clothe you in beauty. Feel my love. Feel your heart essence, it is me supporting you. Hug yourself, it is me hugging you.

Chosen one, when you run, I run

Let's run the world together.

Let's love the world together.

We are one, we are everyone.

Give way to the offbeat dance.

Let me flow into you and love the people.

Do what we are here to do. Love what what we are here to do, that's you.

And so it is.

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