The desire to grow propels me into challenge.


I didn't have words for it before. I thought life was cruel and the world was unfair, I was in a broken boat on a raging sea. I was huddled in the bottom corner of the cabin, rocking. Crying. Expecting someone to be at the helm for me. At some point, I was not emotionally able to run my own life and it showed, in diagnosis after diagnosis, in depression and crippling anxiety in loss of my eye sight, which I fully attribute to not wanting to see the awful world around me. I wanted to disappear. And things did disappear for me. I needed help to live, I needed prescriptions and doctors and thank goodness for them, they held my hand while I navigated maybe thinking about getting out of my corner, out of pure survival mode. 

The desire to grow still pushed me toward challenge. Violent ends and broken heart. Why was this happening to me? I resisted seeing any good. I was broken, was going to be broken and since that's all I saw, that is where I propelled myself, not seeing my magic, my strength, my beauty...at all. Surrounded in self loathing and relationships that only affirmed my failure or at least kept me preoccupied from my immense inner turmoil. I was pulled into other people's chaos to avoid looking at who I was. I cared about celebrities and how they lived their lives. I cared about what a stranger was wearing. What so and so was doing or dating. I participated in the culture of shame, at any cost, to avoid myself. 

The desire to grow pushed me forward, but this time with an unlikely ally, armed with a crumbling, toxic relationship a positive pregnancy test and a healthy dose of freaking out, I was propelled toward challenge. I didn't know what it felt like to be better. So I tried the rudimentary version of what I knew. Become the happy family, real or not. This could work, it will fix everything! But my teacher came to me. On January 6, 2012. The date that would propel me to a place I never even knew existed. My baby created a crevasse between my past and my future. Between my pain and my joy. Between old and new. However toxic your comfort zone may be, it IS your comfort zone and leaving is fucking terrifying. Life was still happening to me. I failed. I failed at having a family. I failed at love. I failed in keeping others happy. I didn't know what was in store for me, I just knew that I was a miserable failure. The desire to grow pushed me forward.

When you ask most people why they wanted to become a parent or have children, it will be something about them "I wanted to make a little version of my husband." Or "I wanted to make a little me." Etc. I am sure beyond a doubt that the only reason I am a parent is because I was chosen by my children, by the souls that they are to guide them on earth. To learn our lessons, we are a perfect match, we are equals, I don't teach them, they show me what really matters.



There is nothing that propels you toward growth than having a soul choose you to be a caretaker. It's a scramble to get your shit together because if you refuse to change and grow, the dis ease and dysfunction that comes from that decision is palpable. 

When you know you are chosen, you parent from a place of honor, of thankfulness as opposed to ownership or thinking you know more or a place of dictatorship. But back on track...

Only in looking back do I see the steps I took that lead me here. To a place where I happen to life and it no longer happens to me. Things don't happen to me, I happen to things. I chose this. My intense desire to grow pushed me toward challenges and the moment I figured that out, everything changed for me. I was able to take the powerful position at the helm of my life. I was able to examine why I brought this into my life, look for lessons, be excited, even. At the thought of another growth spurt in not only enduring, but flowing with this challenge. I no longer wake up afraid, tired and shell shocked. I know that anything that happens to me is for my highest and best good because I will it to be so. There is no Universe to test me, there is no God to run my life, there is no Satan to torment me. There is only me and there is only you and us. I honor my fellow human beings by being me entirely, by loving and truly seeing me. By the growth I have the pleasure of experiencing. No matter what the package presents itself as, the need to grow propels me toward challenge. I am ready, I take in the world with anticipation. I am the creator, I "yes" and "no" the things that come into my life. I am the driver of this motherfucking boat. 

Love to you,

Amethyst.

Seeking Unconditional Love

Here is what is true.

I have had to work hard to make the love I offer unconditional. I used to manipulate, degrade, withhold. I did everything to keep love as my power play. If someone did something I did not like, I loved them differently. It was calculated. It took up my time and energy. It was how I lived my life and affected every aspect of it, including how I loved myself. If I gained a pound, I withheld food. If I embarrassed myself, I would roll through the ugliest self talk in existence. This was my life. Any partner I had felt my wrath, my dislike for certain behaviors. What a twisted, warped way to think of love. What a disaster. What a disservice. 

I was keeping myself from living and truly being loved.

I had to make a conscious decision to make love unconditional. It started with me, because if I treated the symptom of the problem and not the root, the change wasn't authentic, it did not last and I fell into old patterns once again. I would feel "free" for a month...six months...but I would always fall back into the unbearable feeling because I had not addressed the source of my discontentment. I had to go all in and it was scary and I faced the parts of myself that I hide. That I was ashamed of. 

I am still learning. With my children, when they do something I don't like, am I loving them differently? Am I being mean or withholding affection? This challenges their sense of humanness. A manipulation tactic that makes someone want to feel human again in your eyes. Establishing that their sense of self comes from YOU. A dangerous beginning to a life long struggle.

And this becomes my mantra because anything less is not love.

 

I have changed my entire life, I have rerouted brain waves and changed behavior. I am still and always in process. I am the Phoenix, reborn. I am surrounded in unconditional love because that is what I choose to offer myself. You can too. We must stop living out of our dysfunction, our parent's dysfunction, and claim what is truly ours. The right to be happy and loved.

 

There is nothing more important than choosing to shift your focus. It is a simple idea "Instead of looking down....look up." But there are many deep complexities to the process. If all you have ever been told is that there is a floor not a ceiling, it's hard to look up. If you only ever looked up as a kid and you got disciplined for it until you looked down. It is hard to shift focus. Maybe someone's words were placed on your neck like a weight, forcing you to look down, maybe your own words. The important thing to know though, is that no matter how difficult, the choice still remains. You may have to stretch a few muscles you haven't used in a while, you may have to abandon a few ideas that you have had about yourself "Oh, I'm just a look down kind of person." And write a new story. "Oh, well, I've only ever looked down, but I am changing that today." Focusing on your flaws is harming and hindering you. Your strengths are real, they are there as well. Seek them and end the mindless distraction that is keeping you miserable. It is time to look up.

 

Go get your life. For yourself, for your family, for your future, for your past. Change your mind. Shift from manipulation to love, take your power back from those who stole it from you. It is time to heal. It is time to truly LIVE.

 

Amethyst

Jealousy and showing your children the limitlessness of love

In preparation for birth, Escher and I had short conversations about love, it doesn’t take much time, but makes all the difference.

The way we would prepare is to talk about love. About how limitless and endless it is. I would say “Isn’t it beautiful that you can love a lot things at the same exact time and make time for all of them? I love you and Ezekiel and Dada and Auntie and Nala and Ni Hao (the dogs) all at the same time. It’s so fantastic that love is so big and limitless! What are some things you love?” And he would think a minute and respond with all the things he could love at the same time. This is such an important concept to grasp in order to exist. To know that others are not our competition. But they add to our lives no matter in what capacity we know them. Love is in everything, it is not special or sparse. It is everywhere, we do not have to fight or compete for it. We are love. When this clicks, the world opens. We open to the possibilities of being loved for who we were when we put our guard down and just live, feel the love. We don’t have to punch our siblings into submission and defeat them for love. We don’t don’t even have to shame our partners for acknowledging the beauty in another person (but that’s a blog for another day) We can focus on ourselves, we can be empowered, we can truly live in love and harmony with those around us, even a new baby. Because your self worth is never questioned when you know that you are not only loved,  but that you ARE love, surrounded by it’s limitless at all times.

Choose yourself. Yes, always.

I learn a lot from my kids, that is obvious. But this perspective hit me today.Choose yourself first. Yes, always.

You hear all the time "you can't pour from an empty cup."

But as a parent, it is so easy to care for everyone but you. Everybody has a need from sun up to sun down and you can go a week or more before you realize you exist too.

But kids. Kids choose themselves first. If you even see a child's reaction to not getting something they want immediately, you know this is true. They only choose themselves. And they STILL have room or make room to love so purely and unconditionally. They live and love with passion, they still love YOU. In a child's mind, living for other people is not an innate reaction, they meet all of their needs and have no problem asking for help if they need something they cannot make happen themselves.

This is how I want to live.

With knowing that addressing yourself first, especially as a mother, is not narcissistic. It is not selfish. It is completely 100% the opposite. It is NECESSARY.

Self Care is something that we have to remind ourselves of because it is taught out of us that out needs matter too. We function out of the dysfunction that has been ingrained in us. We must give, we must be selfless, we must sacrifice. We see where this has gotten us. Depression, run down, raw, angry, overwhelmed. We ARE empty and raw at the same time. Was this the goal? Have we made it to the pinnacle of those unconscious ideals? Yes. This is what it looks like to put others first. Living for other people, no matter how good your intentions, will destroy you.

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Look at the happiness in your children. From living only from the love they have for themselves and you and chicken nuggets and their favorite toy and and and and...

 

operating out of love instead of lack, out of confidence instead of insecurity.  This is how we all start, until we are lied to. That we aren't already enough. That we must DO or GIVE to be enough.

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Love. Self. Love. Is everything. You matter, you are everything. Treat yourself accordingly and your life will be magic. Ask me how I know....by watching my kids.

What it looks like to drop expectations with kids.

Whenever I make plans with another person, I have two strategies, one where I don't tell the children at all who we are going to see until we see them, it's exciting, it's fun and usually I use this particular strategy when the person is planning on coming to our house. The reason I don't tell them who is coming over is that if plans are canceled or something comes up for the person, I don't have to go through the disappointment of the failed expectation. The day goes on as usual, I text "That's totally fine, see you another day!" And wish them well. Because that is genuinely how I feel  It's easy to get caught up in being offended when something goes different than expected. "We HAD A PLAN!" "NOW MY KIDS ARE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED, WAY TO GO!" But it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have control over what other people do. We don't have control over traffic or the weather or anything but ourselves, which brings me to my next approach:

I tell the kids where we are going and who we are meeting, but I also say "These are OUR plans, we are going to -this place- FOR SURE and we MAY see -so and so- BUT if they don't end up coming, it's no big deal, right? We will still have the best time, because we aren't in charge of other people's lives. Only our own!"

And then naturally, kids are very excited.

 We have had this happen several times where the person we are meeting had had to cancel. The kids have fun either way, Z usually says "MOM, THEY CAME, THEY REALLY DID COME, I KNEW IT, YAY" and then we have the best time or if not, Z might bring it up "I wish I could have saw -so and so-, but maybe another time!" And I say, absolutely right, we still had a good time, we can see them again soon.

This helps in a lot of ways. I avoid having any anger at my friends, they have lives and shit happens, when I decide that it doesn't affect me, even when we made plans, then it doesn't. I don't have to have any conversation that starts with "I'm sorry" or "can you believe it, they aren't coming..." Because I don't EXPECT either way. I love seeing my friends and when they do manage to get their brood out like I managed to get mine, it is wonderful and fills my heart. But the opposite doesn't happen if they cancel.  In telling the kids that we made a plan, but sometimes plans change,  I am empowering them, that their emotions and whether it's a "good" or a "bad" day is only up to them and absolutely no one else.

Don't place your happiness in anyone else's hands. Only let your "village" enhance the happiness you already create. Life is beautiful when you claim your power. This is what that looks like day to day.

Amethyst

Before

Before I had my children I had the perfect body. 226375_10150289375558135_3872987_n Also, before I had children, I was no stranger to laying on the floor in the bathroom, ears ringing, cold sweats. Low blood sugar. From starving myself. I couldn't do much for too long, but god damn, I looked good doing it. That's what mattered.

After I had children, my body changed. But so did everything else. I began to give a shit about myself. And I started to gain weight. It was uncomfortable, but deep down, it felt right and that feeling of what was right was new for me, reguarding my looks because even though I was so cute on the outside, I was writhing on the inside. Self loathing. I was never sure of myself. I was the most self conscious person in any room. So much so that it triggered extreme anxiety. I would pick at my face for hours in the mirror, removing every single piece of skin and hiding every blemish. Being so mean to myself. I was so uncertain of every decision I made and uncertain.

Now I can carry 50 pounds (of any combination of my kids) for 8 hours. Now I can do one handed hand stands. Now I can do a lot of things for a long time because I am nit concerened who is staring at me, I am confident with every step, with every decision. I am strong. Because I chose to be nice to myself. I chose to make little changes, to see the beauty in myself. To see me in the way my partner does, the way my kids do. Unconditional love. Because I deserve it. And I don't have to work for it or look a certain way or be a certain way or do a certain thing. I am free. Because I am loved for my existence.

 

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Me, Myself, and I

Recently one of my mentors said "I don't do the things I do for the praise or the criticism, I do it because I love it."This was a light bulb moment for me.

For example:  I am aware that I post a lot on social media, and sometimes I feel like I have to check my intentions, to keep myself in check, I am also aware that I have done the work to be able to have this ability to introspect. I do what I do because I love to do it.

There have been times where I have been accused of only surrounding myself with people that agree with me, I realize this stems from societies religious roots. We are broken, we need accountability. But what people don't realize, it that I have done the work to know that how I live is 100% right for me. I don't need anyone to tell me that, let alone someone to NOT tell me that. Why would I have people in my life that don't see I am capable of running it how I want? I don't need your input, I have my own. I don't need to seek answers outside of myself. I do not need answers, I am a sovereign, self propelled universe. I have people in my circle, of course, but the only person's opinion that I need of myself is...myself. I am smart, I am intuitive and nobody knows what is best for me but me.

Once upon a time, I bought into the glorification of self loathing, the idea that if you took selfies and thought you were gorgeous you were vain and prideful. Even those "I ❤ me" shirts were just outrageous to my mom (and then of course to me too at the time) But let me tell you, NO. MORE. I will love myself enough for everyone. I will be vain and prideful and I will run my own life because THIS IS WHAT I DO AND I LOVE IT. I do not have to question. I do not have to check with anyone or have permission. I will do this authentically because this is who I am.

The things that I say, write, post are from my heart, it is my truth. If something I say doesn't resonate with you, that is okay, maybe something else will. or not. I will continue to propel forward and speak my truth because it is my passion.  I don't do it for the praise or the criticism.

May you find your power as I have found mine and may that look as unique as you are.

Amethyst

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The journey of a mother

I was a size zero before I had my first child. I'm only telling you where I started because it wasn't until my first postpartum experience that I came to realize that number defined me. It WAS me and it made accepting my new body absolutely impossible. I was the small funny girl, what was I now? Omg, who am I?! If I wasn't my appearance, who the fuck was I? I struggled body dysmorphic disorder and experiences with eating disorders, but I realize that before this, I was always small. I never had to ask, I didn't even know that was how I defined myself until that point.But wow, I would stand in front of the mirror and sob, I put myself down, I put myself through hell....for what?

Through parenting, I realized I had many talents, I was strong, smart, creative, so I focused on that but it was still a very long journey. I was pregnant 9 months later. Twenty pounds heavier than the first time (which I realize now was an actual healthy weight for me, if not below....but don't tell my then self that) I made several changes to my life during this period, actually, my whole life changed and this postpartum experience was a lot different. I didn't have time to stare in the mirror, I started saying positive affirmations, even though it was a struggle. Did I believe that I was perfect and beautiful and worthy, not quite, but you say things as you wish they were, not necessarily as they are.

I am three weeks into my third postpartum experience. I feel like a goddess. I grew life, 3 times. I have been on this journey of self love for 5 years, truly starting at the bottom, the utmost self loathing. I have come to know my worth, I have come to not only believe, but know without a doubt that I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am perfect. I am strong. I am defined by so much more than my appearance. I am a soul with a body, a body that I chose during this lifetime and if this is how it needed to look after creating three humans, then, thank you. Thank you body for your perfection, partnership, support and love. This is where I reside for the rest of my life and I could not ask for a better one because it's perfectly me and I am so much more than what you see. And so are you.

How can you ever say anything negative about your body after you have felt the dancing of life from inside your womb?

What a cruel scheme to keep a woman from knowing her power. To keep the focus on what pregnancy did to her body rather than what her perfect body just did. Here we sit, creating and nourishing the future and we are diminished to baby weight. I will not succumb to your demeaning ideals.

The focus of LOOK WHAT PREGNANCY DID TO MY BODY is such a devestating diservice that distracts us from our power as creators. Look what the fuck my body did. Look at what formed inside my womb. I am the portal between realms, I am all powerful. I am not defined by my extra weight or squishy body. I am the definition of God.  Look what I did. Nothing will distract me from how beautiful and immensely powerful I am.

You may share my photos with credit, please respect my journey and art and do not alter <3

Know your power, Dear One.

-Amethyst Joy

 

also read: This important body positive blog post

We waited for you.

"Did you always know?""Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed."

Her name was Eponine and she was unafraid.

I have waited for my third for years, through uncertainty, through miscarriage, through joy and pain and soul connection and growth, through 42 weeks of pregnancy, we waited.

Eponine Cataleia Gracie was born at home, in the water at1:52pm

With every contraction I would affirm "I love it, I love it." "I am the greatest." As they came on with purposeful power. My ability to stay in a capable and focused mindset was really beautiful and empowering.

I am so thankful to my partner, Greg, for being an ever present calming force in life and in birth. My sister, Gracie, my dad and my birth team.

Ezekiel was whispering to her "You are so brave, you are so strong!" While Escher yelled how cute and tiny she was....she isn't, by the way at 9.1 pounds and 22.75 inches.

We are home enjoying every second. More info and photos to come <3

I'm not sorry you're sad.

I've had the revelation pretty recently on my parenting journey that even though I'm pretty sensitive and mindful of their emotions, I to stop telling my kids "I'm sorry you're sad" if they are crying or having a rough day because being sad isn't a bad thing, it's a perfectly normal, healthy and helpful emotion. Just like being frustrated or mad or anything else! I don't want my kids to think there is something wrong with being anything other than happy. I had a recent conversation with Ezekiel that went like this:

Z: "MOM, I FEEL SAD"

Me: "It's okay to feel sad. I don't try and fix you when you feel happy, so why would I try and fix you when you feel sad? It's just another emotion and all emotions are important I am here with you, by you and for you, always, to sort through whatever you are feeling, otherwise just let me know what you need."

It's true, kid's don't need help with feeling happy, they are inherently happy, they are inherently good and they are inherently emotional and that is a beautiful thing. Throwing a tantrum on the floor is a wonderful outlet! Imagine how good we would feel if we could instantly feel our emotions, instantly process and move on. It's pretty interesting that we have been conditioned to punish children for feeling their feelings exactly how they do because of etiquette or social structure or what have you when we really should be learning from them how to feel.

So if my kid is mad, if my kid is crying, if my kid is happy or sad, how fantastic! Teach me more about holding space for emotion guilt free, my love! I welcome your emotional wisdom and will stop apologizing for it. I will stop making it make me feel uncomfortable and figure out, truly, why it did in the first place. Let's talk about it, let's work together but I'm not sorry you are sad.

 

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Fuck off, don't touch me.

Earlier this year, we had just arrived at the beach, Ezekiel was walking about 10 steps ahead of me when I saw a very large, drunk man approach Z, he reached down and picked Z up! Ezekiel was terrified, screaming "MOM, MOM!!!!!" I was sprinting, it all happened so fast, but it was also in slow motion. I lowered my voice about 15 octaves and demanded that he put Z down immediately. I don't think this person meant to relocate or do anything malicious, but it scared Ezekiel, so automatically, this is not okay. He stumbled down the side walk and left. I made sure Ezekiel knew that every way Z reacted was perfect and that what had happened was absolutely NOT okay. It is never okay for someone to touch your body without your permission and I wanted to empower and equip Z, so never again would that fear be felt.

That's when I decided screaming the phrase "FUCK OFF, DON'T TOUCH ME" At the top of your lungs was a solution. And we practiced. And we talked about reading people's energies and looking at their intentions before they even get near you. Approaching a family with kids if you are lost? Great idea. Someone sketchy coming up to you if they think you are alone, you know how to feel that out because you are strong and capable and smart. And if ANYONE touches you without your permission and you feel unsafe, you yell right in their face and you yell until they listen because, I'm not far behind.

And it has been helpful, it has been empowering and I will forever be grateful for words that scare people and make them pay attention, because when you are small, sometimes words are all you have.

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How we do Christmas

Christmas started to look a lot different after my parents divorced, the literally picture perfect Hallmark Movie version of the celebration was no more. It was that first year, when my sister and I decided to go to the bar on December 25th that we realized that that was totally okay. Our current Christmas festivities look completely different from the ones I had growing up, gone are the days where opening presents piles to the ceiling took all day, gone is the religion behind the day, gone is the dude in the big red jumpsuit.

No presents, no tree, no ornaments, how sad?! Nah, we have the best fucking time.

I got this great idea when my first was born that instead of buying a house full of new presents, I would wrap things up that we already had....in junk mail I would save throughout the year. It was wildly successful and every year I love to see it evolve, last year both children could not contain their joy to bring me things to wrap, to guess which ones they had before unwrapping and to finally unwrap!!!! They lose their minds, they get so excited, even when Ezekiel wrapped a box of goldfish crackers.

What I do buy are season passes (to where depending on if we are in WA or CA) because I will pay for memories, for adventure, for quality time.

Instead of getting together with extended family, as was tradition growing up, instead of second thanksgiving, we are usually with my dad and my sister, bur it looks different everywhere because we aren't tied to tradition. We do what we want! "Isn't it sad you don't see your mom...your extended family?" Uhm, nope! The day looks however we want it to, we have complete freedom to go on a hike or stay in and binge on netflix. It's a glorious day because we make it so.

I decided to tell my kids the truth about Santa because, I think it's weird to have kids believe they are only worthy of things based on behavior...because behavior is based on so many other things! It's weird that someone would enter our house while we sleep and bring us things. Plus, I didn't want to fuel the CHRISTMAS = STUFF trap. I said "things are as real as you make them and some people like to buy into the story of Santa." So don't worry about my kiddos ruining it for yours either ;) Ezekiel said "Mom, I know Santa isn't a real person, but I just really want Darth Vader to be real. So I'm going to believe that." Perfect!

Anyway, that is our perspective on Christmas, a hopeful reminder that you don't have to continue any tradition that you don't want to and it doesn't have to be sad, it can be incredibly freeing to do things how you want and focus on family in a new way <3

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Truth, children and a change of vocabulary.

I am very open and transparent with Ezekiel. There are no silly stories of why things are the way they are or how come things happen, no tooth fairy tales or storks or anything but facts. I feel anything less is insulting. I want my kids to be open with me, so I am open with them. This has been challenging for me because I have no example or template or how to or anyone close that has parented successfully in this way. As we grow, as I practice, I get better, more confident, my vocabulary gets more understanding and clear as I learn. Like last night, we were scrolling through old pictures and one came up of Ezekiel's sperm donor. Z stopped me and had a look of "I know I should know that person but I don't." Z: "Who's that?"

Me: "That's the person that brought you earthside with me."

Z: "ohhhhh riiiiight. What's his name?"

Me: "I don't think it's super important that I tell you his name. But if you wanna know it, I'll tell you."

Z: "It's important to me."

So, I tell Z and he repeats it several times and we move on with pictures.

Z: "I just don't remember that guy."

Me: "I said, nah, I wouldn't expect you to, you chose him to get to me. You didn't choose him to be your dad."

Z: "I know, I choosed my dada to be my dad, the one in California." (Greg is in cali for work)

Me: "Yup, and Greg chose you. We probably won't ever see the other guy again...I should clarify, unless you want to when you are older, -I- am content with never seeing him again."

Z: "Why don't you want to see him again?"

Me: "Because I feel his role in my life is complete. He brought me you and that was the plan. I would gain nothing good from seeing him again."

More pictures.

Z: "I just don't like when that guy washes his hands. Just keep em' dirty, ya know, like hello! That's why I cry. Because he washes his hands. He washes all the blood off his hands and I don't like it....I never want to see him again."

I cannot be one hundred percent certain of what Ezekiel meant by that and I didn't want to be that annoying adult and pry. But it is very profound considering that Sperm Donor phased out of our lives on his own accord, last seeing Ezekiel September 2014 and is now raising his girlfriend's three kids like nothing ever happened and like Z doesn't exist.

I learned several things from this conversation, that once again, children see and feel much more than we think. I NEVER discuss anything about this person or their life with Ezekiel, unless asked and that's been extremely few and far between and definitely not including any personal detail of how he lives his life.

That empowering our kids and trusting them with the truth is so important. It could have gone so differently. "Oh, that's the shit bag that abandoned you!" "Oh, that's the guy that was supposed to be your father." "Oh....that's no one." No, none of that. Just truth.

Kids can handle truth, especially when your vocabulary delivers it in such a way where they are in charge of their own lives. Me saying "I don't want to see him again." Was for me and I leave it up to Z to choose any future actions, forever arming Ezekiel with truth, empowerment, building self-esteem, confidence and love, so if a day comes when they do meet again, Z will stand tall and whatever this person or any person has to say does not define who Ezekiel is, nobody will but Z.

Another example of an empowered vocabulary is if your kid's want a toy that you can't particularly afford, instead of saying things that encourage lack and worry and guilt (we are poor because of me) "We can't afford that. We have no money." etc, You say "I am choosing to spend our money elsewhere right now, but let's be thinking of what toy you want to play with when we get home!" "Instead of buying something else, let's go to the park instead!" Empowering words.

From my own experience, children are our partners if we let them be. If we stop belittling them with cute frilly lies about how things work. If we stop projecting onto them our own insecurities. We think we are protecting our kids with these cute passed down stories, but it leads to US and THEM, separation. I'm smart, you're dumb. I know more than you. It's insulting. Just because we are bigger, we've been here longer, doesn't actually mean we know shit. You can study one book your entire life and know the ins and outs and then 40 years later, it comes out that the details were falsified and everything is fake. Then what do you know? We live in a society where they largely teach us what they want us to know (They being the government, passed down, old, outdated jargon from our parents, etc) not necessarily what is true for us, what resonates with us. But kids. They do what they love, they remember a time of complete freedom, where anything is possible. They aren't bogged down by fear or stigma or the idea that one person, job title, gender is more desirable than the other. They hold the keys to the future and that's the kind of person I want by my side and teaching me. We learn together because I don't have all the answers.

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Why my white kid has dreadlocks and so do I

Why my white kid has dreadlocks and so do I. I know, I know, you could read the title in an asshole tone, but that's not what this is. It's our journey and facts about our story.

Ezekiel is a very sensitive person. Existing in a body can at times be too loud, too bright, too raw, too painful. Sensitive children, Psychic Children, whatever you want to call it, Ezekiel has S.P.D. (sensory processing disorder) and in researching about that, I discovered I do too, a diagnosis has made life easier in lots of ways, otherwise I don't care for the labels.

We spend a lot of time shopping for clothes, nothing too itchy, nothing too...anything. This affects aspects of our life you wouldn't expect, especially when Z was smaller and communication wasn't great yet. Random screaming fits, endless diet struggles, trying to rip clothes off....and the struggle with the comb. If you know me, you know that I am a forceful and strong advocate for body autonomy. My kid's bodies are completely their own to dress, adorn, reside in and own. Ezekiel decided that long hair was what would serve Z best at around 3 years old, I immediately knew this would get interesting because of the comb aversion, but it's not my body and not my choice.

Around the same time, I had both succumb to a lifetime of fighting freeform locs and also seen myself with long, beautiful locs when I would meditate and envision my authentic self. It felt right, it felt like me. And to this day my locs hold so much beautiful meaning to me.

Around 9 months ago, despite shaving an undercut, Ezekiel's hair began to loc, also around this time Cultural Appropriation turned into a discussion that people were finally having in white communities and it is a stance I agree with, feelings are valid and systematic racism is a deep seeded issue that is very much present.

While I realize that some people see dreads as CA, I also see that this is what my baby's body does naturally. And as a mother of a gender eccentric child, I want Ezekiel to be proud of what Z's body does naturally, not only with hair but with growth and puberty and I never want Ezekiel to feel Z was "born in the wrong body." or "with the wrong parts." And embrace the beautiful body Z chose naturally and all that goes along with it.

We have many conversations about what's happening in the world today and do not make decisions in ignorance. I will support Ezekiel, I will support what Z's body and hair do naturally and I will respect that combs look and feel like a negative force.

This is our story, another perspective, another journey.

All my love,

Amethyst

Personal Empowerment and Life Coaching

When you are feeling lost, buried, suffocated, hopeless and helpless, often times it takes someone who has been there to not only sit with you in darkness, but say "It's time to release and move on, you don't have to sit here alone forever." This is what I offer in my Personal Empowerment sessions. Over phone, skype, email  or in person I Offer:

-Love and understanding

- Evaluation of your current life and what you want your future to look like

-Devising a plan of action that will work for your unique situation.

-Self Discovery

-Celebration with you

-Email availability

-I support you in your journey to wholeness and freedom

-and more...

I spent a lot of my life suffering, wondering "why me?" I spent all my time giving my power away to those who abused it. I decided long ago that my power was for me and no one would make me feel any type of way. I am the captain of my ship. I live in love and have created and designed the exact life that I want to live. These sessions are about you being committed to doing the work and putting advice into action, I did the work and continue to evolve. My skills are fought for, my advice is lived. My perspective is unique.

No cost 20 minute initial consultation available to ensure compatibility

Cost

All payments will be exchanged via paypal

$40 per session (1 hour)

Email me here for questions and to book your empowerment session, I look forward to working with you.

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Lessons from a dancing flower

wordswag_1475693621312 I love this beautiful being. The ridiculous gender stereotypes that I had helped uphold for society were all brought to the surface as Ezekiel began to grow, Z showed me who they were, what they liked, what they gravitated toward and I listened. More reluctantly at first because, after all, I needed to project the all important gender boxes to be a good parent right, I didn't want Z to get made fun of, right? Fear based decisions kept me from allowing Ezekiel from living in their truth. What a disservice. What a tragedy if I didn't check myself and wake the fuck up. Does this mean Ezekiel is gay? Trans? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN that Z loves pink and is the equivalent of a flower dancing in the wind in every motion Z makes? What does it mean? Well, the lovely thing is, it doesn't mean anything...or it could? Fuck the labels and the boxes. It means freedom, it means having the power explore, it means Ezekiel will bloom into the person they were always meant to be. "But won't HE look back at pictures of HIM in dresses and be embarrassed?!" What is embarrassing about expression, about art, about genuine happiness? If what Z chooses to be clothed in different style clothes, look like a different version of themselves, express themselves as whatever, it will be nothing more than the evolution of self that we all go through. Z will always know that body autonomy and respect was number one in all choices.

Being loving to your children, empowering them, holding space for them to trust themselves, allowing them to show you who they are, these are the keys in life and when someone is unloving toward them, it won't matter. Because they know they look amazing. They know they are amazing. Kids are born confident. What has potential to destroy that is your unconscious dialog and actions. "Oh, look at her hair, how ridiculous" "Omg, they look HORRIBLE, how could they even wear that and think in looked good."  Etc etc on and on and on. Wake up in your speech, your children are listening. Even in the unloving things you say about yourself. "My thighs are so gross" and kids think "thighs can be gross? Are -my- thighs gross?" Replace your unlovely speech with life giving words "I am strong, Oh, looks like I'll need a bigger size, that's no big deal, Those pants look amazing on you, oh, that hat looks so great on them.." Refuse to continue to bully yourself, to be your kid's first bully, unconsciously. Let love grow, bigger than your fear.

Do it Afraid.

I understand that it is hard to make changes. I understand that your normal is still your normal no matter how toxic it is and how much it hurts you. It's the fear of what next, it's the fear of failure, it's the fear of leaving things that make you comfortable. "I will never find anyone to love me as a single mom" "I'll never make it on my own" and other lies we tell ourselves. It comes down to fear and not thinking we don't deserve any better. The cycle of dysfunction in a relationship, the "Only every 6 months he drinks too much and spirals out of control." or "only about once a month, we fight like that.....I can handle  once a year, once a month, once a week." The cycle that will never stop unless you decide you want off the ride. There is a quote I love “Sometimes...fear does not subside and...one must choose to do it afraid.”

Choose to do it afraid. You are worth more than those friends who talk about you behind your back, you are worth more than your mother or family member doing things for you just to get things in return, you are WORTH MORE. And you don't owe anyone for being nice to you, People are their own sovereign beings and they have the power to do things because they choose too, you do not owe them. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM.

You are not chained to relationships just because they helped you through hard times years ago. We attract people into our lives for a purpose, sometimes the purpose is short lived and it is time to release. You are not obligated to continue to drain yourself for something that is no longer working. If your relationships do not grow and change and serve who you are NOW, it is okay to honor (I thank you for all the things you have shown me, I thank you for the lessons and the good times.) and release.

And this isn't just about relationships, it's about anything in your life. Believing you are worthy is no small task, when you have been in these cycles, when you have grown up believing the opposite. But it is also not impossible.

 

Finding motivation for change:

If you don't want to break the cycle for you, do it for someone you love, or even imagine someone you love while you do it. You would not want this life for your daughter, niece, son, cat, dog, so, imagine that you are them. Make decisions while thinking of them and use it to find your strength.

Positive Affirmations:

Speak life into yourself. It's okay if you don't believe it at first, but stay consistent and I promise you will notice a difference. You have been downing yourself for years, so why not try something new? "I am worthy of love" "I deserve love because I exist." "I am strong and capable." "I can do anything I put my mind to." "I deserve a life I love." Into the mirror. All day long. To yourself. This calls attention to your speech. This wakes you up and holds you accountable for the things you say. Replace the "I can't" The  "I'm so stupid" With words of love. Refuse to bully yourself. "I am smart." "It's okay to make mistakes."

Boundaries:

It is essential to create boundaries in your life and it is even more essential to require that the people in your life respect those boundaries. Find your voice. "No, actually that's not okay." "I would prefer if you didn't" Be an advocate for yourself. This is will feel uncomfortable at first, do it anyway. Once you establish boundaries, you are opening up the fact that you DO matter. You are speaking your needs and people will eventually hear you or they will not be allowed in your life. It's a process, start small, create your new comfort zone brick by brick.

Change is hard, it's uncomfortable, it's terrifying, but you are worth it. You really do deserve a life that you love and it is absolutely possible.

-Amethyst

 

 

Conscious Partnership

How could you do that, how could you be so stupid? If you find yourself asking your partner, your kids, your whoever these questions, you are part of the problem. I know, it's shitty to hear, but it's true.It automatically puts them on the defense, it fuels the need to put walls up and be "right" and it won't produce any fruitful or productive answers. It's time to change your dialog.  To elevate the conversation into a space where healing takes place and answers can be found. "You messed up. What are you going to do to fix it?" This eliminates the blame game. It calls a thing a thing and presents itself for what it is. It puts the focus on solution instead of back and forth, unhelpful banter.

Whenever you get more than one person into a space for an extended amount of time, like in a relationship, for example. There will be disagreements because you are setting up people on the same path but equipped with different life experience, different tool boxes, different coping mechanisms, etc. They will not deal with the same situation in the same way, once we can realize this and see it for what it is, fighting becomes communication, becomes appreciation, becomes a fruitful partnership. Feeling and expressing all your feelings is important, holding space for your partner while they feel feelings, feeling feelings together without blame, shame or being an asshole will change the way you interact in a positive way. When we cease to see "your side; my side" and instead look at things objectively, working together building on the others skills, helping with weaknesses, everybody wins.

Partnership doesn't just apply to a significant other, but allrelationships in our lives, every encounter. How can you elevate your relationships today?

-Amethyst Joy

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Perception.

Perception is everything. They know in Science that the observer creates the outcome and different outcomes arise in just choosing a different observer. You have two people looking at the same picture, reading the same quote and they will come up with reactions based on their perceptions of the world, the filter they choose to look through. This is a result of their childhood, their beliefs, how they feel about themselves, etc. Good or bad, useful or not, we are a sum of a collection of ideas we have allowed ourselves to believe, true or not. What makes it true is that you believe it is. What is true is there is no universal truth for this reason. Nothing is black and white, we all see the world in a unique way and it's a beautiful thing if we allow it to be, but we see anything different as wrong, which is the genesis of most problems in groups, marriages, relationships, societies. Lack of communication and the dismissal of perspective, not seeing it as different colors that make up a beautiful painting, but the idea that different is wrong. It is completely up to you if you want to engage and listen to someone else's perception based on their life experience or just walk away and disengage. Both are okay. Your energy is for you and you may spend or conserve it in any way you see fit. I recently shared a quote, as a writer, that's what I do, I use my words to bring forth new perspective. I said "How can you ever say anything negative about your body after you have felt the dancing of life from inside your womb?" From MY perspective it was simply an invitation to look at the process of pregnancy in a new way, to embrace your power instead of focusing on the ways you feel or anyone as made you feel like you failed. And a lot of others saw that too, but it was interesting to also see "It's my body, I can feel how I want about it......Don't tell me how to feel!" Which of course, if you know me, I am all about doing what you want! If self loathing serves or empowers you, then, have at it, this is your human experience! But I didn't think all that would fit in the meme and may have taken away some of the core message.

People like to be justified in the things they think, even if it hurts them. Cognitive Dissonance. I know I trigger people, that has been my life experience. I have spent years in silence, keeping myself in check, to hide my light, my gifts, my message, so I don't offend people. I love the opportunity to share a different perspective. I know what is right for me and if it resonates with you, beautiful! I also realize Perception. I also realize the perspective I have may not make sense to you through your filter and that is okay, live your truth! As I tell my kids, you can do whatever you want as long as you are respecting the boundaries of others.

I write about my life because that is my experience. I write from my perspective because that is my experience. That is what is beautiful about writing, I collect old words and arrange them in a way that no one ever has because no one has ever been me. I only bring my perspective, not my demands. Do what truly serves you not holds you to your suffering.

-Amethyst Joy

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