Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Jealousy and showing your children the limitlessness of love

In preparation for birth, Escher and I had short conversations about love, it doesn’t take much time, but makes all the difference.

The way we would prepare is to talk about love. About how limitless and endless it is. I would say “Isn’t it beautiful that you can love a lot things at the same exact time and make time for all of them? I love you and Ezekiel and Dada and Auntie and Nala and Ni Hao (the dogs) all at the same time. It’s so fantastic that love is so big and limitless! What are some things you love?” And he would think a minute and respond with all the things he could love at the same time. This is such an important concept to grasp in order to exist. To know that others are not our competition. But they add to our lives no matter in what capacity we know them. Love is in everything, it is not special or sparse. It is everywhere, we do not have to fight or compete for it. We are love. When this clicks, the world opens. We open to the possibilities of being loved for who we were when we put our guard down and just live, feel the love. We don’t have to punch our siblings into submission and defeat them for love. We don’t don’t even have to shame our partners for acknowledging the beauty in another person (but that’s a blog for another day) We can focus on ourselves, we can be empowered, we can truly live in love and harmony with those around us, even a new baby. Because your self worth is never questioned when you know that you are not only loved,  but that you ARE love, surrounded by it’s limitless at all times.

Do it Afraid.

I understand that it is hard to make changes. I understand that your normal is still your normal no matter how toxic it is and how much it hurts you. It's the fear of what next, it's the fear of failure, it's the fear of leaving things that make you comfortable. "I will never find anyone to love me as a single mom" "I'll never make it on my own" and other lies we tell ourselves. It comes down to fear and not thinking we don't deserve any better. The cycle of dysfunction in a relationship, the "Only every 6 months he drinks too much and spirals out of control." or "only about once a month, we fight like that.....I can handle  once a year, once a month, once a week." The cycle that will never stop unless you decide you want off the ride. There is a quote I love “Sometimes...fear does not subside and...one must choose to do it afraid.”

Choose to do it afraid. You are worth more than those friends who talk about you behind your back, you are worth more than your mother or family member doing things for you just to get things in return, you are WORTH MORE. And you don't owe anyone for being nice to you, People are their own sovereign beings and they have the power to do things because they choose too, you do not owe them. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM.

You are not chained to relationships just because they helped you through hard times years ago. We attract people into our lives for a purpose, sometimes the purpose is short lived and it is time to release. You are not obligated to continue to drain yourself for something that is no longer working. If your relationships do not grow and change and serve who you are NOW, it is okay to honor (I thank you for all the things you have shown me, I thank you for the lessons and the good times.) and release.

And this isn't just about relationships, it's about anything in your life. Believing you are worthy is no small task, when you have been in these cycles, when you have grown up believing the opposite. But it is also not impossible.

 

Finding motivation for change:

If you don't want to break the cycle for you, do it for someone you love, or even imagine someone you love while you do it. You would not want this life for your daughter, niece, son, cat, dog, so, imagine that you are them. Make decisions while thinking of them and use it to find your strength.

Positive Affirmations:

Speak life into yourself. It's okay if you don't believe it at first, but stay consistent and I promise you will notice a difference. You have been downing yourself for years, so why not try something new? "I am worthy of love" "I deserve love because I exist." "I am strong and capable." "I can do anything I put my mind to." "I deserve a life I love." Into the mirror. All day long. To yourself. This calls attention to your speech. This wakes you up and holds you accountable for the things you say. Replace the "I can't" The  "I'm so stupid" With words of love. Refuse to bully yourself. "I am smart." "It's okay to make mistakes."

Boundaries:

It is essential to create boundaries in your life and it is even more essential to require that the people in your life respect those boundaries. Find your voice. "No, actually that's not okay." "I would prefer if you didn't" Be an advocate for yourself. This is will feel uncomfortable at first, do it anyway. Once you establish boundaries, you are opening up the fact that you DO matter. You are speaking your needs and people will eventually hear you or they will not be allowed in your life. It's a process, start small, create your new comfort zone brick by brick.

Change is hard, it's uncomfortable, it's terrifying, but you are worth it. You really do deserve a life that you love and it is absolutely possible.

-Amethyst

 

 

Living in Love

The only thing I have come to care about is being happy, people don't understand when I say "I do whatever I want", they have a filter of it being selfish, narcissistic, even. It is so foreign with how we were raised: to be living a life, to be a successful member of society, you have to  pay our dues, we were told "You can't be a successful artist, you won't make any money" "Go to college, get a stable job" and that was just what we all tried to do, and we drown in monotonous sadness. We wake up every morning swimming in anxiety and depression because we are afraid of life. We don't feel supported, we don't trust ourselves, we don't love ourselves. Our ability to take charge of our lives and truly live was stifled out of us because that is the way the machine works. We were told we would do great things, we would change the world, and that's fine, but, let me tell you, I have no problem being and feeling ordinary. I flourish and become who I am when I realize that these "great things" I was supposed to be doing can include raising my kids, being the parent they need instead of trying to change them. Getting out of bed and being happy, watching a show on netflix...or a whole season, because that brings me joy and that is the GREATEST thing I could ever do for myself, my kids, my family and the world. So, it is exactly what I said, I truly only do what I want, I only do what I love do, I LIVE in love, so paying bills, taking my kids somewhere I don't particularly enjoy (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?) Having conflicts with people, getting a parking ticket...I love it, because I am putting love into the situation.

I take away joy and lessons and beauty from every circumstance. I got to park 2 spots away from the beach for 7 hours (in 2 hour parking, oops!) For 50 bux, worth it! I got to argue and gain insight about myself and the other person showed me exactly what their intentions are whether meaning to or not, how great! I watch my money disappear with an expensive bill, awesome! I am supporting myself and my wonderful life for another month and will receive joy in return! When I say "I do whatever I want" it is not the same as a person acting out hate, fear, etc. I don't do it at the detriment of other people, it may make people uncomfortable, but I don't have a problem with causing people to question themselves. I love bringing new perspective and the idea that you don't HAVE to do things just because that's how you have been doing them. Change your mind! You don't have to live in your parents beliefs, you don't have to have those friends you hate or go tolerate that person that drains you.

As a result of the work I have put in, knowledge of self, seeking my shadows, getting to know the side of myself I didn't want anyone to know about. Sorting through my pain and keeping my ego in check. Healing my inner child wounds. THE painful WORK. Because of how I choose to live my life. I put love into it, I give love to everything I do, and I make sure the choices I am making are making me happy.

This doesn't mean I don't feel sadness or anger or any other completely healthy emotion, that is part of the human experience! I work WITH my emotions, I find out where they are coming from, I sit with them and feel them without judging myself, because being a human is hard, but that is the thing you realize when you live in love, just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. Just because something doesn't feel good, doesn't mean it's bad. Lessons, I called this situation to me because I am the God of my story, I will learn more about myself through struggles, I am empowered to insert love into every situation because I believe I created it (I am only in charge of my reactions, not other people's actions.) for my soul growth. So, Love, Love Love, speak your truth and Yes, I do WHATEVER the fuck I want, because, happiness. <3

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I can help you get started on your work. Email me at thehealedmother@gmail.com

Relationships Deserve Better.

wonder_woman_1 My empathy was long misdirected as "fixing". I needed to FIX everything, one of the problems with that, is I would put my own filter on what everyone else's life needed to look like in order to be happy. Instead of loving people where they were, my romantic relationships were based on reaching down and picking someone up, I thought that was love. I realize now that it was everything but unconditional. I would get into these relationships and cry WHY ME when they wouldn't meet my needs. Truth is, they never could...and I knew that, but I thought I could FIX them.

I spent time after time feeling like a victim. And that was not correct. I chose to be with a person that I knew could not match what I needed. At the same time, relationships are ALWAYS a mirror of how you love yourself. Always. Like a whale calls to her pod, you attract people by the vibration you emit, your ENERGETIC matches are drawn to you. Energy never lies, that is why it is so important to love yourself first.

I truly didn't experience unconditional love until I had my son, and I realized I HAD NOT GIVEN IT until then.

When you look at everyone with the filter that I had, the filter of religion, I was very judgmental without knowing I was. I thought my way of living was RIGHT and therefore every other way ws wrong. You needed to live like me to be truly happy.

Truth is, I spent a lot of the time absolutely miserable. I recently read a quote that said "It is only your ego that thinks someone will change because of you" I needed to hear that at 12 years old. It's not my job or place to be the rescuer or martyr and only lately am I realizing how wrong and patronizing that was.(sorry ex husband) People need to be loved exactly where they are, they don't need to lead to water, they need to find it on their own, or maybe it's their journey to not find it at all in this life, it doesn't matter. What matters is ME living genuinely and just being myself. That will draw passion out of people, that will draw them closer to their authentic selves.

watching my sister date has been a true joy. She lives unabashedly and realizes every painful goodbye is not actually painful at all, it is GROWTH. It's okay that people part, it's okay that they choose different. Its beautiful, even.

While you are with someone, just love them. Give them a place to feel safe and wild, to be free. That is our only job with any human encounter. that's it.

As always, take what resonates with you and leave the rest, we are not victim to a big bad world that we need to be censored from as not to be tainted. I m the motherfucking universe and I will decide what defines me <3

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