The only thing I have come to care about is being happy, people don't understand when I say "I do whatever I want", they have a filter of it being selfish, narcissistic, even. It is so foreign with how we were raised: to be living a life, to be a successful member of society, you have to pay our dues, we were told "You can't be a successful artist, you won't make any money" "Go to college, get a stable job" and that was just what we all tried to do, and we drown in monotonous sadness. We wake up every morning swimming in anxiety and depression because we are afraid of life. We don't feel supported, we don't trust ourselves, we don't love ourselves. Our ability to take charge of our lives and truly live was stifled out of us because that is the way the machine works. We were told we would do great things, we would change the world, and that's fine, but, let me tell you, I have no problem being and feeling ordinary. I flourish and become who I am when I realize that these "great things" I was supposed to be doing can include raising my kids, being the parent they need instead of trying to change them. Getting out of bed and being happy, watching a show on netflix...or a whole season, because that brings me joy and that is the GREATEST thing I could ever do for myself, my kids, my family and the world. So, it is exactly what I said, I truly only do what I want, I only do what I love do, I LIVE in love, so paying bills, taking my kids somewhere I don't particularly enjoy (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?) Having conflicts with people, getting a parking ticket...I love it, because I am putting love into the situation.
I take away joy and lessons and beauty from every circumstance. I got to park 2 spots away from the beach for 7 hours (in 2 hour parking, oops!) For 50 bux, worth it! I got to argue and gain insight about myself and the other person showed me exactly what their intentions are whether meaning to or not, how great! I watch my money disappear with an expensive bill, awesome! I am supporting myself and my wonderful life for another month and will receive joy in return! When I say "I do whatever I want" it is not the same as a person acting out hate, fear, etc. I don't do it at the detriment of other people, it may make people uncomfortable, but I don't have a problem with causing people to question themselves. I love bringing new perspective and the idea that you don't HAVE to do things just because that's how you have been doing them. Change your mind! You don't have to live in your parents beliefs, you don't have to have those friends you hate or go tolerate that person that drains you.
As a result of the work I have put in, knowledge of self, seeking my shadows, getting to know the side of myself I didn't want anyone to know about. Sorting through my pain and keeping my ego in check. Healing my inner child wounds. THE painful WORK. Because of how I choose to live my life. I put love into it, I give love to everything I do, and I make sure the choices I am making are making me happy.
This doesn't mean I don't feel sadness or anger or any other completely healthy emotion, that is part of the human experience! I work WITH my emotions, I find out where they are coming from, I sit with them and feel them without judging myself, because being a human is hard, but that is the thing you realize when you live in love, just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. Just because something doesn't feel good, doesn't mean it's bad. Lessons, I called this situation to me because I am the God of my story, I will learn more about myself through struggles, I am empowered to insert love into every situation because I believe I created it (I am only in charge of my reactions, not other people's actions.) for my soul growth. So, Love, Love Love, speak your truth and Yes, I do WHATEVER the fuck I want, because, happiness. <3
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