My Children Do Not Empty Me

I create success by including my children into my self care, resisting a "go to bed, get away from me so I can self care!!!" approach. Because of this, I can maintain, I can keep my cool, I can breathe while they are around me. I meditate or chant or hum affirmations at the park, in the shower, during dance class. I fill myself while they are having fun. I must. If I do not, I associate my children with the idea that THEY empty me. They do not empty me, the way I parent empties or fills me. The expectations I carry, the insecurities, that is what depletes me. Not my children. They only shed light to where I am lacking. They say with their being "Hey, mama, we want to remind you of your own limitless potential." I self parent. I hug my inner child when she is feeling reactionary. I sing to her and tell her she is good. I fill myself because in looking to anyone or anything outside of myself for that, I will be setting myself up for failure, I will be setting that relationship up for failure and resentment.

It is up to me to connect with myself, before I can even know how to connect with my kids.

Include your kids in your self care. Hold your hand over your heart and know that you are love, deep breathe with them at the grocery store, share with them your coping mechanisms so they see it as normal, they remember the feeling it gave you, of calmness, of laughter, the ability to be present and they can carry that on into their own lives forever.

Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’thave many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:

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The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.

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It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Whether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.

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The desire to grow propels me into challenge.


I didn't have words for it before. I thought life was cruel and the world was unfair, I was in a broken boat on a raging sea. I was huddled in the bottom corner of the cabin, rocking. Crying. Expecting someone to be at the helm for me. At some point, I was not emotionally able to run my own life and it showed, in diagnosis after diagnosis, in depression and crippling anxiety in loss of my eye sight, which I fully attribute to not wanting to see the awful world around me. I wanted to disappear. And things did disappear for me. I needed help to live, I needed prescriptions and doctors and thank goodness for them, they held my hand while I navigated maybe thinking about getting out of my corner, out of pure survival mode. 

The desire to grow still pushed me toward challenge. Violent ends and broken heart. Why was this happening to me? I resisted seeing any good. I was broken, was going to be broken and since that's all I saw, that is where I propelled myself, not seeing my magic, my strength, my beauty...at all. Surrounded in self loathing and relationships that only affirmed my failure or at least kept me preoccupied from my immense inner turmoil. I was pulled into other people's chaos to avoid looking at who I was. I cared about celebrities and how they lived their lives. I cared about what a stranger was wearing. What so and so was doing or dating. I participated in the culture of shame, at any cost, to avoid myself. 

The desire to grow pushed me forward, but this time with an unlikely ally, armed with a crumbling, toxic relationship a positive pregnancy test and a healthy dose of freaking out, I was propelled toward challenge. I didn't know what it felt like to be better. So I tried the rudimentary version of what I knew. Become the happy family, real or not. This could work, it will fix everything! But my teacher came to me. On January 6, 2012. The date that would propel me to a place I never even knew existed. My baby created a crevasse between my past and my future. Between my pain and my joy. Between old and new. However toxic your comfort zone may be, it IS your comfort zone and leaving is fucking terrifying. Life was still happening to me. I failed. I failed at having a family. I failed at love. I failed in keeping others happy. I didn't know what was in store for me, I just knew that I was a miserable failure. The desire to grow pushed me forward.

When you ask most people why they wanted to become a parent or have children, it will be something about them "I wanted to make a little version of my husband." Or "I wanted to make a little me." Etc. I am sure beyond a doubt that the only reason I am a parent is because I was chosen by my children, by the souls that they are to guide them on earth. To learn our lessons, we are a perfect match, we are equals, I don't teach them, they show me what really matters.



There is nothing that propels you toward growth than having a soul choose you to be a caretaker. It's a scramble to get your shit together because if you refuse to change and grow, the dis ease and dysfunction that comes from that decision is palpable. 

When you know you are chosen, you parent from a place of honor, of thankfulness as opposed to ownership or thinking you know more or a place of dictatorship. But back on track...

Only in looking back do I see the steps I took that lead me here. To a place where I happen to life and it no longer happens to me. Things don't happen to me, I happen to things. I chose this. My intense desire to grow pushed me toward challenges and the moment I figured that out, everything changed for me. I was able to take the powerful position at the helm of my life. I was able to examine why I brought this into my life, look for lessons, be excited, even. At the thought of another growth spurt in not only enduring, but flowing with this challenge. I no longer wake up afraid, tired and shell shocked. I know that anything that happens to me is for my highest and best good because I will it to be so. There is no Universe to test me, there is no God to run my life, there is no Satan to torment me. There is only me and there is only you and us. I honor my fellow human beings by being me entirely, by loving and truly seeing me. By the growth I have the pleasure of experiencing. No matter what the package presents itself as, the need to grow propels me toward challenge. I am ready, I take in the world with anticipation. I am the creator, I "yes" and "no" the things that come into my life. I am the driver of this motherfucking boat. 

Love to you,

Amethyst.

The journey of a mother

I was a size zero before I had my first child. I'm only telling you where I started because it wasn't until my first postpartum experience that I came to realize that number defined me. It WAS me and it made accepting my new body absolutely impossible. I was the small funny girl, what was I now? Omg, who am I?! If I wasn't my appearance, who the fuck was I? I struggled body dysmorphic disorder and experiences with eating disorders, but I realize that before this, I was always small. I never had to ask, I didn't even know that was how I defined myself until that point.But wow, I would stand in front of the mirror and sob, I put myself down, I put myself through hell....for what?

Through parenting, I realized I had many talents, I was strong, smart, creative, so I focused on that but it was still a very long journey. I was pregnant 9 months later. Twenty pounds heavier than the first time (which I realize now was an actual healthy weight for me, if not below....but don't tell my then self that) I made several changes to my life during this period, actually, my whole life changed and this postpartum experience was a lot different. I didn't have time to stare in the mirror, I started saying positive affirmations, even though it was a struggle. Did I believe that I was perfect and beautiful and worthy, not quite, but you say things as you wish they were, not necessarily as they are.

I am three weeks into my third postpartum experience. I feel like a goddess. I grew life, 3 times. I have been on this journey of self love for 5 years, truly starting at the bottom, the utmost self loathing. I have come to know my worth, I have come to not only believe, but know without a doubt that I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am perfect. I am strong. I am defined by so much more than my appearance. I am a soul with a body, a body that I chose during this lifetime and if this is how it needed to look after creating three humans, then, thank you. Thank you body for your perfection, partnership, support and love. This is where I reside for the rest of my life and I could not ask for a better one because it's perfectly me and I am so much more than what you see. And so are you.

How can you ever say anything negative about your body after you have felt the dancing of life from inside your womb?

What a cruel scheme to keep a woman from knowing her power. To keep the focus on what pregnancy did to her body rather than what her perfect body just did. Here we sit, creating and nourishing the future and we are diminished to baby weight. I will not succumb to your demeaning ideals.

The focus of LOOK WHAT PREGNANCY DID TO MY BODY is such a devestating diservice that distracts us from our power as creators. Look what the fuck my body did. Look at what formed inside my womb. I am the portal between realms, I am all powerful. I am not defined by my extra weight or squishy body. I am the definition of God.  Look what I did. Nothing will distract me from how beautiful and immensely powerful I am.

You may share my photos with credit, please respect my journey and art and do not alter <3

Know your power, Dear One.

-Amethyst Joy

also read: This important body positive blog post