I didn't have words for it before. I thought life was cruel and the world was unfair, I was in a broken boat on a raging sea. I was huddled in the bottom corner of the cabin, rocking. Crying. Expecting someone to be at the helm for me. At some point, I was not emotionally able to run my own life and it showed, in diagnosis after diagnosis, in depression and crippling anxiety in loss of my eye sight, which I fully attribute to not wanting to see the awful world around me. I wanted to disappear. And things did disappear for me. I needed help to live, I needed prescriptions and doctors and thank goodness for them, they held my hand while I navigated maybe thinking about getting out of my corner, out of pure survival mode.
The desire to grow still pushed me toward challenge. Violent ends and broken heart. Why was this happening to me? I resisted seeing any good. I was broken, was going to be broken and since that's all I saw, that is where I propelled myself, not seeing my magic, my strength, my beauty...at all. Surrounded in self loathing and relationships that only affirmed my failure or at least kept me preoccupied from my immense inner turmoil. I was pulled into other people's chaos to avoid looking at who I was. I cared about celebrities and how they lived their lives. I cared about what a stranger was wearing. What so and so was doing or dating. I participated in the culture of shame, at any cost, to avoid myself.
The desire to grow pushed me forward, but this time with an unlikely ally, armed with a crumbling, toxic relationship a positive pregnancy test and a healthy dose of freaking out, I was propelled toward challenge. I didn't know what it felt like to be better. So I tried the rudimentary version of what I knew. Become the happy family, real or not. This could work, it will fix everything! But my teacher came to me. On January 6, 2012. The date that would propel me to a place I never even knew existed. My baby created a crevasse between my past and my future. Between my pain and my joy. Between old and new. However toxic your comfort zone may be, it IS your comfort zone and leaving is fucking terrifying. Life was still happening to me. I failed. I failed at having a family. I failed at love. I failed in keeping others happy. I didn't know what was in store for me, I just knew that I was a miserable failure. The desire to grow pushed me forward.
When you ask most people why they wanted to become a parent or have children, it will be something about them "I wanted to make a little version of my husband." Or "I wanted to make a little me." Etc. I am sure beyond a doubt that the only reason I am a parent is because I was chosen by my children, by the souls that they are to guide them on earth. To learn our lessons, we are a perfect match, we are equals, I don't teach them, they show me what really matters.
There is nothing that propels you toward growth than having a soul choose you to be a caretaker. It's a scramble to get your shit together because if you refuse to change and grow, the dis ease and dysfunction that comes from that decision is palpable.
When you know you are chosen, you parent from a place of honor, of thankfulness as opposed to ownership or thinking you know more or a place of dictatorship. But back on track...
Only in looking back do I see the steps I took that lead me here. To a place where I happen to life and it no longer happens to me. Things don't happen to me, I happen to things. I chose this. My intense desire to grow pushed me toward challenges and the moment I figured that out, everything changed for me. I was able to take the powerful position at the helm of my life. I was able to examine why I brought this into my life, look for lessons, be excited, even. At the thought of another growth spurt in not only enduring, but flowing with this challenge. I no longer wake up afraid, tired and shell shocked. I know that anything that happens to me is for my highest and best good because I will it to be so. There is no Universe to test me, there is no God to run my life, there is no Satan to torment me. There is only me and there is only you and us. I honor my fellow human beings by being me entirely, by loving and truly seeing me. By the growth I have the pleasure of experiencing. No matter what the package presents itself as, the need to grow propels me toward challenge. I am ready, I take in the world with anticipation. I am the creator, I "yes" and "no" the things that come into my life. I am the driver of this motherfucking boat.
Love to you,