The journey of a mother

I was a size zero before I had my first child. I'm only telling you where I started because it wasn't until my first postpartum experience that I came to realize that number defined me. It WAS me and it made accepting my new body absolutely impossible. I was the small funny girl, what was I now? Omg, who am I?! If I wasn't my appearance, who the fuck was I? I struggled body dysmorphic disorder and experiences with eating disorders, but I realize that before this, I was always small. I never had to ask, I didn't even know that was how I defined myself until that point.But wow, I would stand in front of the mirror and sob, I put myself down, I put myself through hell....for what?

Through parenting, I realized I had many talents, I was strong, smart, creative, so I focused on that but it was still a very long journey. I was pregnant 9 months later. Twenty pounds heavier than the first time (which I realize now was an actual healthy weight for me, if not below....but don't tell my then self that) I made several changes to my life during this period, actually, my whole life changed and this postpartum experience was a lot different. I didn't have time to stare in the mirror, I started saying positive affirmations, even though it was a struggle. Did I believe that I was perfect and beautiful and worthy, not quite, but you say things as you wish they were, not necessarily as they are.

I am three weeks into my third postpartum experience. I feel like a goddess. I grew life, 3 times. I have been on this journey of self love for 5 years, truly starting at the bottom, the utmost self loathing. I have come to know my worth, I have come to not only believe, but know without a doubt that I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am perfect. I am strong. I am defined by so much more than my appearance. I am a soul with a body, a body that I chose during this lifetime and if this is how it needed to look after creating three humans, then, thank you. Thank you body for your perfection, partnership, support and love. This is where I reside for the rest of my life and I could not ask for a better one because it's perfectly me and I am so much more than what you see. And so are you.

How can you ever say anything negative about your body after you have felt the dancing of life from inside your womb?

What a cruel scheme to keep a woman from knowing her power. To keep the focus on what pregnancy did to her body rather than what her perfect body just did. Here we sit, creating and nourishing the future and we are diminished to baby weight. I will not succumb to your demeaning ideals.

The focus of LOOK WHAT PREGNANCY DID TO MY BODY is such a devestating diservice that distracts us from our power as creators. Look what the fuck my body did. Look at what formed inside my womb. I am the portal between realms, I am all powerful. I am not defined by my extra weight or squishy body. I am the definition of God.  Look what I did. Nothing will distract me from how beautiful and immensely powerful I am.

You may share my photos with credit, please respect my journey and art and do not alter <3

Know your power, Dear One.

-Amethyst Joy

also read: This important body positive blog post

Stop pretending you aren't the Phoenix.

I'm not about pretending. Not about that fake life, it took a lot of fucking work to align who I wanted to be, who I felt like I was and who I actually am. A lot of fucking work, even with the best of intentions, I was fragmented. I lived my life with bags full of masks for every occasion, stemming from the root problem of not feeling good enough. It takes so much extra effort to be the best version of whoever you are around at the time, behave in a way they would like or accept you best. That's friendship, right? Pattern on repeat for a lifetime. A beautiful thing happens when all the parts of yourself merge into one authentic entity. You can lose the baggage you constantly carry, the thoughts that are forever scratching at the back of your mind, the idea that any version of you won't do or that it isn't good enough.

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I am messily me. To know myself, it took years of sorting through my pain, insecurities, self loathing. It took years of forgiving people that weren't sorry, holding a younger version of myself and sitting in the dark, sobbing. Holding space for myself at all ages and stages. Finding my power, picking up the pieces that were violently shaken out of me along the way or that I peeled off myself thinking "no one will like that part" "that will never do me any good"

It's an interesting process of washing your authenticity raw and burying your true self under miles of protection. Raw and protected. But, when you realize that the protection is actually hurting you, it's heavy to carry, it's the burden you tried to avoid....what the fuck do you do now? Most continue living with it, most choose to pretend because that's instantly easier, but it comes with a lifetime of pain. Shame. Why me.

Be the bravest version of yourself. You are worth it. Dig yourself out of the foundation you left yourself in. Start new. Burn it down. Feel it. Be alive. Be yourself, truly, fully.

You CAN have it all, you can align with who you want to be instead of feeling like you are swimming toward that version of yourself against the tide and not even moving. Struggling to remain in the same, exhausting spot (life). Burn it down. You are the Phoenix.

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art by: jojoesart.deviantart

I offer healing and life path readings to jump start you on your journey. email: thehealedmother@gmail.com for questions

A Soul's letter to it's Vessel.

Hello my sweet, I look in awe upon you every time your gaze meets the mirror. Your perfect blue eyes and your blonde hair, the vibrations I could only dream of before, standing before me in human form. I chose you. You are perfection personified. We will learn lessons together for our greatest good and I can't imagine a better partner. I set you apart. You house my thoughts and desires. my dreams and hopes. Your heart beats in time with our truest confessions.

I use your arms for hugging the ones we love most, something I could only imagine before. We can physically feel love and it surrounds us. Thank you for your gentle touch and your kind presence.

At night, while you dream, I send love from the divine to hear you wounds of mortality. The human journey is a difficult one. I thank you for joining me on this quest, you are noble and strong.

I used your womb to grow my children's perfect vessels, you grew them beautifully. You are amazing and divinely chosen for this task. You Shepard each one into this realm with the strength never felt before. The strength of womanhood. You are empowered. I looked upon you in awe. The marks left over from the task are beautiful. You continue to guide and ready them for their chosen tasks. You are perfect. They chose you.

I use your legs to travel this earth, to carry us safely, to run to those in need. To dance, to be silly, to be free. You are perfect.

Your face presents us to the world. The scar below left eye, your cheekbones, the way your glasses rest upon your nose, I chose this. I gaze at you with joy and triumph because it's everything I wanted for this journey.

We are a force to be reckoned with, we are warriors of this plain. You will provide for me until I break free and you will have done so well, my love. I look forward to our days together, the lessons we have yet to learn, the adventures we have yet to begin. The scars we have not yet earned.

Never forget your worth, my beautiful one.

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Photo by Little Moon Birth Photography

https://www.facebook.com/littlemoonbirthphotography?fref=ts