I'm not sorry you're sad.

I've had the revelation pretty recently on my parenting journey that even though I'm pretty sensitive and mindful of their emotions, I to stop telling my kids "I'm sorry you're sad" if they are crying or having a rough day because being sad isn't a bad thing, it's a perfectly normal, healthy and helpful emotion. Just like being frustrated or mad or anything else! I don't want my kids to think there is something wrong with being anything other than happy. I had a recent conversation with Ezekiel that went like this:

Z: "MOM, I FEEL SAD"

Me: "It's okay to feel sad. I don't try and fix you when you feel happy, so why would I try and fix you when you feel sad? It's just another emotion and all emotions are important I am here with you, by you and for you, always, to sort through whatever you are feeling, otherwise just let me know what you need."

It's true, kid's don't need help with feeling happy, they are inherently happy, they are inherently good and they are inherently emotional and that is a beautiful thing. Throwing a tantrum on the floor is a wonderful outlet! Imagine how good we would feel if we could instantly feel our emotions, instantly process and move on. It's pretty interesting that we have been conditioned to punish children for feeling their feelings exactly how they do because of etiquette or social structure or what have you when we really should be learning from them how to feel.

So if my kid is mad, if my kid is crying, if my kid is happy or sad, how fantastic! Teach me more about holding space for emotion guilt free, my love! I welcome your emotional wisdom and will stop apologizing for it. I will stop making it make me feel uncomfortable and figure out, truly, why it did in the first place. Let's talk about it, let's work together but I'm not sorry you are sad.

 

15289204_10155525725523135_2155316858551249217_o

My kids don't make me happy

One day, Ezekiel came up to me and he asked "Mom, do I make you sad?" I said, "No way, love. You don't MAKE me anything, I am in control of my own emotions. Just like you don't you make me happy. I am in charge of my own happiness. I love being with you, you make life so fun, but you are not in charge of making me happy. He said" Oh, well sometimes I get mad at you."

I say: "I totally get that, I get mad too sometimes, but it's not because of you. I am in charge of my reactions, just like you are. We can still be friends and be mad at each other. We just have to talk it out, that's all."

2a54a46477e5f83f80cec07e8c1e4644

So, no, my kids don't make me happy or sad or mad, only I have the power to do that for myself. Looking within instead of looking without, nothing of worth will come of that. My house doesn't crumble dependent on anyone else but me. All my power is for me and I find freedom and power in knowing that.

 

So, when I ask Ezekiel is I make him happy and he answers "NO." Then I have given him the tools to create a full life for himself and that is all I can ever do for my kids. We are not half of a whole, we are not waiting to be completed. We are whole the day we are born.

Be conscious in your speech, your emotions and your choices, even with your kids. <3

 

March 2016 622