I had an ultrasound last Friday, I didn't really want to go but it was ordered by my midwife...so I was like...sure. Just a simple dating scan, no big deal.
Except it was a really big deal, because I was 12 weeks and they couldn't find a heartbeat and my nearly second trimester uterus was a carrying a very small baby. I was frozen and shocked and an entire thesaurus of both those things. Maybe the dating was just off, I assured myself as I had to pull over and weep and panic attack.
The waiting was the worst part:
Every small feeling is a painful reminder of what's there...or what isn't. Every twinge, every pull is more emotionally painful than the last. Not knowing is the hardest thing. Will this end up in tears of joy or despair.
Then Wednesday the blood started and hope was ripped from my white knuckles. Seeing part of your baby on bits of toilet paper is a sight that is absolutely indescribable. I am being graphic here because this is what miscarriage looks like. It's not a secret and it needs to be talked about. It's sobbing every minute, it's your three old old trying to comfort you "Everything will be okay, mom. Try and take a deep breathe with me." It's falling apart. And that is okay.
Even with having an understanding of soul and knowing that this is NOT THE END...even with knowing that, this is hard.
I had a confirmation ultrasound today. I had a team of people with me. Thank you Matty, Reese and Gracie. I could not have done today without you.
Poppy said (when Reese was able to connect into her energy) that when she was with me in her human form, she realized that she was selfish, she knew that Escher wasn't ready and essentially said "deal with it." She had a very short human experience yet she gained so much knowledge and passed so much to me. She simply made a different decision...because sometimes miscarriage looks like that, too. A different soul decision, "I'll see you later when the time is right mom, but not right now."
No shame, no guilt, no what ifs...This is what life looks like now. And for a little while longer it will be filled with tears and sadness, but not forever.
See you later, Little Girl.
I don't want to fall asleep unless I dream of you. Please let it be true that I will hold you someday. Until then, my heart yearns.