Choose yourself. Yes, always.

I learn a lot from my kids, that is obvious. But this perspective hit me today.Choose yourself first. Yes, always.

You hear all the time "you can't pour from an empty cup."

But as a parent, it is so easy to care for everyone but you. Everybody has a need from sun up to sun down and you can go a week or more before you realize you exist too.

But kids. Kids choose themselves first. If you even see a child's reaction to not getting something they want immediately, you know this is true. They only choose themselves. And they STILL have room or make room to love so purely and unconditionally. They live and love with passion, they still love YOU. In a child's mind, living for other people is not an innate reaction, they meet all of their needs and have no problem asking for help if they need something they cannot make happen themselves.

This is how I want to live.

With knowing that addressing yourself first, especially as a mother, is not narcissistic. It is not selfish. It is completely 100% the opposite. It is NECESSARY.

Self Care is something that we have to remind ourselves of because it is taught out of us that out needs matter too. We function out of the dysfunction that has been ingrained in us. We must give, we must be selfless, we must sacrifice. We see where this has gotten us. Depression, run down, raw, angry, overwhelmed. We ARE empty and raw at the same time. Was this the goal? Have we made it to the pinnacle of those unconscious ideals? Yes. This is what it looks like to put others first. Living for other people, no matter how good your intentions, will destroy you.

16819534_10155845822023135_1818541502512037319_oo

 

Look at the happiness in your children. From living only from the love they have for themselves and you and chicken nuggets and their favorite toy and and and and...

 

operating out of love instead of lack, out of confidence instead of insecurity.  This is how we all start, until we are lied to. That we aren't already enough. That we must DO or GIVE to be enough.

14468488_10155286151563135_403587480841514703_o

 

Love. Self. Love. Is everything. You matter, you are everything. Treat yourself accordingly and your life will be magic. Ask me how I know....by watching my kids.

The Last Day.

Today is the last day I will nurse my sons. I nourished them their entire lives, from the second they entered this world until today. Three and a half years, it's been an amazing journey, it has allowed me to grow as a person, it tested and exceeded every limitation. When I thought my body could not take any more, it did, and now we are here. I have been such an advocate for self weaning and always thought, until very recently, that would be our path no question. But I recognize when it's my time, too. It's my time to get back into myself 100%. When I think back to how our journey began, I don't look back in fondness. There was so much struggle. Sitting with my 3 day old baby with engorged, painful breasts and inverted nipples. He was screaming at me as I hand expressed 5 drops at a time into a bottle. We were both a wreck. But we got through it. Battling thrush for months "Is it supposed to hurt this bad?!" No, honey, it's not....get yourself to the doctor. We got through that too.

9 months later, Escher took up residence in my womb and I finally realized what painful nursing actually meant. Excruciating doesn't begin to cover it. Nursing throughout pregnancy was the most challenging thing that I have had to do as a parent. But I was devoted to at least nursing Ezekiel until he was two, so we pushed through day by day.

When my milk came in, I was begging Ezekiel to nurse, I was so thankful to be nursing him for the first time in months.

And life looked like this....

10152565_10152913020953135_6699916951200624252_n

1900083_10152709348073135_1499620514_n

1555319_10152575512913135_662880248_n

Until today.

I recognize that life changes and I find comfort in releasing all expectations, because expectations could make motherhood ever harder than it already is. I really believe that is the main thing kids try to teach us. RELEASE THE EXPECTATION OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT LIFE WOULD LOOK LIKE. I thought I would let my kids self wean, yet here we are. The last day. There is no guilt surrounding my decision because there is no expectation. This is what life looks like now. The last day I nurse my boys.

In addition to all the trials of breastfeeding, it has been my absolute pleasure and true joy to be my children's calm, quite and sustenance. In filling them, I filled every part of my soul with so many good things.

I am so thankful for all my friends who took our pictures capturing this portion of our lives that I continue to be so passionate about it. especially Little Moon Birth Photography.

11261645_10153870816278135_4216781375271529266_o

As I close this chapter of our lives, I have the most beautiful moments captured. We had a good run, but today is the last day.

<3

Morning is my favorite.

(Never in all my years would I have ever thought that would be the title of anything I would write.) Morning is also Escher's favorite, it always has been. Eyes open and it's this:

WP_20140321_015 InstagramCapture_5379caea-3864-45c7-a6b3-7550f8561271_jpg WP_20131112_020

Morning is NOT Ezekiel's favorite. It never has been.

WP_20140321_016 InstagramCapture_968ea436-d1d4-4701-8e5d-40a8a424142a_jpg WP_20140320_031

It's usually this:

InstagramCapture_7de48de0-5c14-439c-ab11-cae4a37c1601_jpg

The contrast is never not funny.

But anyway, after I nurse them and Ezekiel goes through zombie phase, the magic happens.

"Uhm, mama, I wanna go to the park today. With you and Escher?"

Because I send him alone all the time.

"Mama, Escher is silly...and tiny. HE IS SO TINY!"

I am pretty sure they weigh the same.

He hands me my earrings, "Here, mama...ears"

Meanwhile Escher is out of his mind giggling about whatever.

Life is good <3

WP_20140320_060

This is us.

I am a single mom of two little boys. Ezekiel is two, he takes break dancing class and talks in full sentences, mostly about cars or music or his brother...sometimes cheese. Escher is 8 months old, he has just started crawling and exploring the house, it's beautiful to watch. InstagramCapture_b32e7bcc-1c80-4671-80fa-f01baaaf171d_jpg

I cloth diaper, tandem nurse and carry them everywhere. This is what works for us, we have a blast and have many adventures. Aside from the occasional breastfeeding or gender role rant, I am pretty quiet and funny.

A little about me: I am a Punk gone hippie mom, really laid back. A free spirit. In the next month we will be taking a road trip to San Diego, join us! weeeeeeee

WP_20140122_033