It's My Job.

 

I have been working to reconnect with my kids, to get out of the cycle of consistently being annoyed by them, like they are happening TO me.

I have shifted from annoyance to gratitude.

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for showing me where I need to improve.

THANK YOU.

And it has changed my life. Realizing at a deeper level that all it takes is a shift of perspective and that I, as an adult, have the power and responsibility to do just that.

For example, it was end of day, I was exhausted, we had been out all day in the sun, I was thirsty, tired, hungry and touched out. I was waiting for my brother to come pick us up, which was taking a long time. Instead of focusing on all of that, I just held my girl. And I sang to her and we laughed and I had the best 40 minutes of my life, just being present. Not stressing out or being annoyed. And literally all it took was for me to change my mind. To shift my perspective.

It’s like I tell mothers: Yes. Pregnancy changes your body. You know what it also does? Shows you your strength, allows you to choose a new way of life, let’s you see how powerful and capable you are. All of these are true, so why focus on the negative over anything else? You are only torturing yourself.

But to be all here. To be all available and grateful to my kids, is a work in progress and it’s everything.

Like when Ezekiel was -so mad- at me for not buying a certain thing, Z said “DON’T TALK TO ME. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR A THING YOU SAY EVER AGAIN.”

And I was thinking, “I don’t really want to talk anyway, so I will give you space, whatever.”

Many dirty looks and noises of discontent ensued.

and about 5 minutes later, Z bursts into tears.

Repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just want to hold you.”

Which I gladly do. As Ezekiel sobs into my chest uncontrollably for the next few minutes as I say “Honey, nothing you do would make me mad at you, nothing you do will make me love you less.”

And that was that, no yelling or raving or punishments or “how dare you!!!” from me, Z just needed some time and needed to be seen, heard and held. That is my job.

It is my job to connect with my children. Why do I force them to listen to me when I don’t listen to them most of the time? What makes me so important that I can overpower them and force them to listen but if they do the same, I explode? No longer will I engage in this manipulation.

Yelling at someone doesn’t even feel good to me, it’s not who I am, but I still fell into that cycle. I wanted to be heard, too. But I realize, that is my inner child crying out and who’s job is it to hold and heal that inner child? ME. MINE.  Not my children or my partner or my dad or my sister…just me.

I feel like I have taken another layer of blinders off, I am growing in new ways. I am happy, my kids are happy. Ezekiel told me about 4,000 times today “I love you mom. I love you so much.” A child who feels heard, seen and understood. My child, who trusts me and encourages me to heal myself. Our unit is so much better for it.