Pain in motion

My heart chakra is just bursting with the love that surrounds me. In realizing the beauty of the extremely difficult journey that I chose to endure for this lifetime. To be in a position where I can provide help and answers, to see that is was all for the purpose I am currently living out, to be at a higher perspective, to be able THANK my hardships, it's taking my breath away. I've never known any other way than to be myself. That hasn't made life easy, being told I was crazy and wrong and "to out there" and attention seeking and unstable and inappropriate and every negative thing as a teenager. Knowing that I needed to be fixed, even with my deep knowing of self, was impossible to deal with. I spent many years in physical pain, matching my emotional state, living outside my body, doing anything to...just....feel.

I disconnected. From myself, from my family, from my feelings, from pain and from love and it was like that for a long time. It was misery. I stayed suspended in the time and space where I was hurting because I subconsciously gave those experiences all of my power. They continued to drain my energy even though I tried to bury them. They defined me and every day that followed. Depression, Anxiety, that WAS me.

Until I had no choice but to redefine myself, I was suffocating, I had no choice.

I had to get back into myself, survival mode wasn't an option. I was raw, I was done.

It started slowly, a positive affirmation here and there, which I hated because I knew I was a lair when I said "You are worthy of love." I knew I was a liar when I said "You deserve better" but I kept saying it. And eventually I wasn't lying anymore. I began to believe and that's when everything shifted. I learned about chakras and how stuck energy from closed chakras causes dis-ease. The emotions I was stuffing down and trying to ignore were showing up physically in negative ways. I spent time with myself for the first time ever and realized (eventually) that I was lovable.

I let myself FEEL again at molasses pace. It was not easy, a lifetime of pain came dripping in, but I knew I needed to feel it so I could LET IT GO and be the person I was meant to be.

I connected back to love after punishing myself for so long, convinced I didn't deserve it. I was able to realign and honor my struggle instead of being overwhelmed, buried and a victim of it. The thirst I had to inflict physical and emotional pain on myself and others (both consciously and subconsciously) lifted and disappeared.

Pain in inevitable, but staying in raw pain, thinking you deserve pain is not true. Honor your journey, honor your pain but stay in motion and I promise love will come if you let it <3

• Art by chiara bautista