Choose

 

You cannot feel guilty about which you feel powerful.

Guilt and power cannot exist within the same space.

We must learn how to make decisions from a powerful place.

Falling in love with your choices is imperative to emotional health. Even a choice that wasn't ideal, like your landlord selling the rental property you live in.

Instead of full on panicking, breathe. Realize that you need to be elsewhere, obviously,  and there is a place that is perfect for you,  you just haven't met yet. You move from fear to power and life is able to respond to you.

No one can make you feel bad for a choice you make, unless it hits on guilt you are already having.

From outfit choices, to self care, to parenting to life style, drop guilt. Choose to move forward in power.

When someone gives you shit about being on your phone in public, you already know you are a wonderful parent, in tune with your children.

When your mother in law says some shit about your cooking, you know you did your best.

Shit, when your husband leaves you. Choose to move forward knowing it's time to reevaluate the relationship with yourself. The highest priority is your own unconditional love journey, life responds.

We often times give our power to our fear, which, by nature, swallows it whole. 

 

So choose.

 

Guilt or Power.

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Not All Heros Wear Capes. Sometimes They Wear Diapers and Throw Tantrums.

If you begin your parenting journey thinking your kids ruined your “good times,” your friendships, your old way of life, you are going to have a bad time. You must realize that we agreed to this shift. That is why our children come to us, because wether we know it or not, we called them here.

To bring negativity to this dynamic is to resist the opportunity that our children so daringly bring. The beautiful and powerful shift to propel you forward in your life.

I invite you to see the parent/child dynamic as I have come to in my studies, in my awakening, in my removal of the mask over my eyes, you would do nothing but thank your children. All day long. Instead of perpetuate the low perspective that they drain you in any way. When you look at it in that way, it is the filter of which you will see everything about them.  This is the breeding ground for exhaustion and resentment. What a disservice to our greatest teachers.

They come in knowing everything about the most authentic version of ourselves and yet we insist on being bogged down by defeat we have learned to accept over the years. The not being good enough, the settling for mediocre relationships, the dysfunction we have accrued. We hang onto it with clenched fists and our children try so hard to transmute it into love and all we can see is that they take from us. They are not taking!! They are putting in you in touch with your limitless, it has been taken from you, forgotten, taught out of you. All they ask is that we let it go and all we can say is shit like “terrible twos”

No. They are moving up into their Solar Plexus, exploring their personal power. Look how beautifully demanding that child is. Is it time for you to speak your needs? Is it time for you to stop doing shit you hate? To flat out refuse participation? Is it time for you to scream no or scream to be seen by life? Holy shit, thank you child, for changing everything. For drawing attention to the bullshit I have been putting up with for a lifetime. They will cause such a rift between you and it, you will clash like thunder. Let it go.

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Recentering. Healing wounds through parenting and travel.

I’ve been on this huge journey this summer in terms of ways I can be better with my kids, I got into this uncomfortable “normal” a few months ago where I was in a mindset that my 4 and 5 year old were just annoying me. Not fair to them, not fair to me. So we went on a trip together and I got off social media and I just devoted all my time to being grateful for them, thanking them and being present. It was just the four of us for 2 months and it was magic, being able to be mindful in shifting my perspective. We got back and the kids did a couple really shitty, expensive fucking up of things and while I didn’t yell, I said some really mean things. Because, and this is important, you can be mean without yelling or hitting (I’m calling you out “gentle parenting”) and you can be firm in order to be heard a little loudly, with respect. (which never includes hitting a person, just to be clear, violence has no place in parenting, even if you call it swatting, etc.)

Finding a balance between “Hey, things cost money” and financial shaming; I never want them to feel like they don’t deserve nice things or that things are more important than how I treat them. So I had to put myself in check again in a major way and seek support within and without of myself because if I am ever not being the parent I want to be, that is on me. I decide how I react and I have done far too much emotional work to keep reacting from this old way of thinking, these old patterns, particularly this time: that money is scarce or on a pedestal and I don’t deserve it and I should feel guilty when I spend it like my mom did. I deserve things. My kids deserve things. We can save for what we want, we can make mistakes. They are kids who do shitty things in learning how to person and it’s my job to grow with these instances instead of project my insecurities and fears on them. If there is anything I am unhappy with in my parenting, I do not sulk, I do not lay around in guilt. I get better, I seek more tools, I ask for help. That is my responsibility.

We work really well together, because I sit with them and apologize, I ask for their input, how can I help you?! The other day. Escher punched Ezekiel, so I pulled Escher away from Z and that hurt Escher’s feelings. Ezekiel felt confident enough to say, even through tears of being hurt “Mom, you didn’t have to do that. You hurt his feelings. Just talk to him next time, okay, just talk to him.” And I said “Thank you. I will, next time I will, that was a really insightful thing to say, I appreciate your perspective.” They help me help them, they are comfortable opposing me and bringing up new ways and I make myself be open to it without labeling it back talk, nobody grows that way. The child shrinks into themselves, losing their voice and the parent continues reacting out of childhood trauma. Don’t stifle your own growth and that of your children.

We all chose each other. When the kids fight, I remind them. Sometimes Z says “I dunno why I chose Escher” When feeling particularly mad and I just frankly say, “Welp, you did, so I guess we will find out in this lifetime. Seems to me like he is already teaching you some important lessons about patience, what a gift.”

I love travelling with my children, through miles of road and miles of life. I love the dynamic we have created. People say “You are so lucky, your kids are so good.” And yes, they are. All kids are inherently good. But this took work, emotional toil, for me to be able to create a platform for this to play out. For their respect and goodness and loveliness not to be stifled by my ego.

Loss of the living

Loss. Loss of people still living is a special kind of pain, there are often reminders around, especially when the one we lose is a family member. Loss is sad and it is necessary.

I don’thave many close friends, (the 3 I do have are incredible) it’s hard at this level of awareness to be quite honest, when you have xray glasses to people’s emotional health. Everybody is attracted to my light but not able to sustain living in it unless they are ready for the emotional labor that I have already put in.

People grow at different rates, often times they come in for a time and then when their purpose is served, as I believe we all write up contracts before we choose these lives, the agreement ends and we are supposed to let go. This is a delicate territory, nobody tells you how lonely the journey of self discovery is. I have gone through loss of more relationships than I can count. I was going somewhere they could not follow, so I had to learn to release. And something about releasing, we have learned it’s wrong, akin to giving up. But it is everything but giving up. It is time we stop resisting the ending of these contracts, to move on and accept our own growth instead of keeping us small so we can maintain these relationships that have been so important. Don’t let others guilt you into staying small. Move on, grieve, feel feelings, because none of this means it is easy, but it is necessary.
I wrote this is 2015 and have several opportunities to take my own advice:

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The self discovery journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It’s mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren’t ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We’ve been taught to resist the things that don’t feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It’s all okay.

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It is okay to move on from people, it is okay to grow apart, release them with love. We simply grow into different time zones, growing one way and growing another. Whether it is a family or a once close friend or a partner, loss is life and you will be okay. You are so supported even when it doesn’t feel good. Be brave, trust your instincts, you know what you have to do. Rise.

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Choose yourself. Yes, always.

I learn a lot from my kids, that is obvious. But this perspective hit me today.Choose yourself first. Yes, always.

You hear all the time "you can't pour from an empty cup."

But as a parent, it is so easy to care for everyone but you. Everybody has a need from sun up to sun down and you can go a week or more before you realize you exist too.

But kids. Kids choose themselves first. If you even see a child's reaction to not getting something they want immediately, you know this is true. They only choose themselves. And they STILL have room or make room to love so purely and unconditionally. They live and love with passion, they still love YOU. In a child's mind, living for other people is not an innate reaction, they meet all of their needs and have no problem asking for help if they need something they cannot make happen themselves.

This is how I want to live.

With knowing that addressing yourself first, especially as a mother, is not narcissistic. It is not selfish. It is completely 100% the opposite. It is NECESSARY.

Self Care is something that we have to remind ourselves of because it is taught out of us that out needs matter too. We function out of the dysfunction that has been ingrained in us. We must give, we must be selfless, we must sacrifice. We see where this has gotten us. Depression, run down, raw, angry, overwhelmed. We ARE empty and raw at the same time. Was this the goal? Have we made it to the pinnacle of those unconscious ideals? Yes. This is what it looks like to put others first. Living for other people, no matter how good your intentions, will destroy you.

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Look at the happiness in your children. From living only from the love they have for themselves and you and chicken nuggets and their favorite toy and and and and...

 

operating out of love instead of lack, out of confidence instead of insecurity.  This is how we all start, until we are lied to. That we aren't already enough. That we must DO or GIVE to be enough.

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Love. Self. Love. Is everything. You matter, you are everything. Treat yourself accordingly and your life will be magic. Ask me how I know....by watching my kids.

Before

Before I had my children I had the perfect body. 226375_10150289375558135_3872987_n Also, before I had children, I was no stranger to laying on the floor in the bathroom, ears ringing, cold sweats. Low blood sugar. From starving myself. I couldn't do much for too long, but god damn, I looked good doing it. That's what mattered.

After I had children, my body changed. But so did everything else. I began to give a shit about myself. And I started to gain weight. It was uncomfortable, but deep down, it felt right and that feeling of what was right was new for me, reguarding my looks because even though I was so cute on the outside, I was writhing on the inside. Self loathing. I was never sure of myself. I was the most self conscious person in any room. So much so that it triggered extreme anxiety. I would pick at my face for hours in the mirror, removing every single piece of skin and hiding every blemish. Being so mean to myself. I was so uncertain of every decision I made and uncertain.

Now I can carry 50 pounds (of any combination of my kids) for 8 hours. Now I can do one handed hand stands. Now I can do a lot of things for a long time because I am nit concerened who is staring at me, I am confident with every step, with every decision. I am strong. Because I chose to be nice to myself. I chose to make little changes, to see the beauty in myself. To see me in the way my partner does, the way my kids do. Unconditional love. Because I deserve it. And I don't have to work for it or look a certain way or be a certain way or do a certain thing. I am free. Because I am loved for my existence.

 

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Life Without Religion

*More specifically, Christianity, which was my background once upon a time. For some people, it's hard to imagine living a life without religion. Some people even claim that is where all morals and reasons to be "good" come from. I believe this is from a lifetime of hearing we are broken, sinful people without the grace of God, which I absolutely do not believe. Living a life of thinking I needed to look outside myself at a patriarchal entity in order to be a good person, especially as a woman, was exhausting. To think at any moment you could backslide into oblivion at the hands of Satan. Fear. Staying in good graces in order to live by "His will" for my life. I have chosen to raise my children completely religion free. I acknowledge that they are good because they exist and that indoctrination of any idea is not in their best interest. They have thoughts and ideas and they ARE God. As are all of us. Here is what a life without religion looks like and requires.

-We have to take responsibility for our lives. Knowing that there is no God knowing what is best for us makes us follow our own path and use our own intuition instead of saying "God has a plan for me." You have to have a plan for yourself. Instead of waiting for signs, praying for signs, begging for a sign, waiting for your mate, waiting for your kids, waiting, waiting, waiting, You have to create your own life. You make your own way and it's only up to you to work it out, to build signs.

-You have to claim your own power. When you realize there is nobody guiding your ship but yourself, you are forced to wake from your below deck cabin and take your place at the helm. You can no longer cower and hide when storms come, you have to take charge and face it. You steer your ship into calm or wild waters, you are not at the mercy of any other captain but yourself.

-There is nothing to shift blame on. You cannot blame "bad" situations on an "evil" entity that is constantly trying to trick you, you don't have to wonder why God is putting you in these less than ideal situations BECAUSE HE'S NOT. You have to do the work and figure out why YOU brought this situation to you, it's intimidating but also empowering to know that whatever we experience in this lifetime is for our soul growth. We don't have to throw our hands in the air and claim "God's ways are higher than mine!" When we know we are God, we can actually figure out exactly why this is happening to us and move on.

-There are no wrong decisions.

Fear of making "the wrong decision"  can be crippling, when you realize the above factors, you realize there are absolutely no wrong decisions, because:

  1. You HAVE to trust yourself. And by practicing self trust, you learn to listen and trust your own intuition and make empowered decisions rather than decisions out of fear.

2. Any decision is going to be right because you made it, it either serves as a lesson...or a lesson. You win both ways. Perhaps it's one that takes you on the scenic route to where you want to go, but there is nothing wrong with that.

-But what about morals?

What about morals? When you trust yourself, when you realize you are your own advocate, you run your own life, you live in love and spotlight your own soul growth, all you have to focus on is how YOU feel at the end of the day. And since we are not flawed, we are perfect for the lessons we intended to learn in this lifetime, we are all good.

the building blocks are not living in fear, having respect for EVERYONE, I do not believe that respect has to be earned, I believe humanity deserves basic respect because they are human, and allowing space for people to grow and explore their own way, their own preference, their own quirks and patterns. Ditching religion was one of the best things I have ever done and I look forward to being in 100% charge of my life and growing, evolving, everyday.

Live in Love,

Amethyst

 

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Beyond

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My body is not inappropriate, my skin suit is not obscene, I create life and the entire human existence depends on bodies and organs of women.

Meditating with my baby; She dances below intentions and crystals. Speaking love and life and hope and strength. She speaks to me like you would, I've heard her all my life. Souls with bodies, we are chosen. Life goes beyond what you see and into who you've been, what you've been through before you became the current version of you. Your fears, your judgements, is it really you or what you've been told to think. Your wonderment, your mysticism, parts of you shoved down and ignored. Imagine a life filled with the dreams you have been dreaming since before you were born. Nothing to hold you to your percieved obligations. Imagine you are free and feeling beautiful and full of life and every lovely thing. We have been that. We have been there and we can create that life again.

 

I visit places you have forgotten, I see things you dont remember. It's all in front of us, it's all in us, calling us to relax in it's peace. Play in it's rivers, dance in it's streams. You are already free if you forget everything you remember and remember everything you forget.

 

 

Being in the presence of children, of babies and of souls not yet earthside is a gift given to me, to all of us. Messages are hidden in the daily mundane. The colors of cars, the smells that bring us to that feeling of home, the insects we curse, they help us with our questions,  we just need to wake up and see beyond it all <3

 

This is the last time I will speak about my mother.

This is is the last time I will mention my mom.  

My mother left me at 23, 23? You say? Well that's not bad, that must have been easy. But what you must know was that there was no distinction between my mom and me. I was everything she told me to be. I was her joy, I was pain, I was a sum of her fears and she was me. Sitting in the rubble of my life as her Turning away from me, taking the foundation of my entire life with her, I wept. Who was I now?

I was that song "how could you just walk away from me, just walk away and see me cry. You're the only one who really knew me at all."

During this horror that became my life, I had to learn to walk and talk again, without her. I soon began to realize the freedom I had, nobody was telling me who I could see, who I couldn't. What I could be what I couldn't. I could do anything. So I did.

As more time passed I realized she wasn't the glue holding me together.

I could do things. I did whatever I wanted and it was really really different from the things I grew up doing.

Everything fell apart when my mom left? No, things fell into place with painful perfection. She was the radioactive glue holding together the toxic, rotting parts that my body was desperately rejecting.

The religious part of me, the judgemental part of me, the indoctrinated part of me, the parts that thought I couldn't live without someone else caring for me, helping me, the part that was never really me.

Things that shock you to your core are only setting loose the stagnant, old patterns you continue because you think you have to. Choose different. Choose life.

For more perspective and context on this

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My kids don't make me happy

One day, Ezekiel came up to me and he asked "Mom, do I make you sad?" I said, "No way, love. You don't MAKE me anything, I am in control of my own emotions. Just like you don't you make me happy. I am in charge of my own happiness. I love being with you, you make life so fun, but you are not in charge of making me happy. He said" Oh, well sometimes I get mad at you."

I say: "I totally get that, I get mad too sometimes, but it's not because of you. I am in charge of my reactions, just like you are. We can still be friends and be mad at each other. We just have to talk it out, that's all."

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So, no, my kids don't make me happy or sad or mad, only I have the power to do that for myself. Looking within instead of looking without, nothing of worth will come of that. My house doesn't crumble dependent on anyone else but me. All my power is for me and I find freedom and power in knowing that.

 

So, when I ask Ezekiel is I make him happy and he answers "NO." Then I have given him the tools to create a full life for himself and that is all I can ever do for my kids. We are not half of a whole, we are not waiting to be completed. We are whole the day we are born.

Be conscious in your speech, your emotions and your choices, even with your kids. <3

 

March 2016 622

Conscious Grief

   

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"She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum."

 

The months that followed my miscarriage were challenging, enlightening, painful and descriptives upon descriptives. I am no stranger to grief, but this was profoundly different, even with having a pretty in depth understanding of soul purpose and journeys, I was left paralyzed some days. Because grief is a roller coaster and very very sneaky.

Throughout my grief excursion, I wrote. Because that is what I do, so I will share that with you here. It doesn't matter the type of grieving you are going through, I know mine had to do with so much more than one issue. Losing friends, losing myself, it was all grief.

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Forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Forgiveness in miscarriage. Loving yourself through grief. Women tend to carry an amount of shame and guilt and I even felt a sense of greed. "I already have two kids, it was selfish of me to want more." And FUCK ALL OF THAT. Because it's lies. It's important to go through the process: the anger, the sadness, to really feel it. It's also important to know that it's safe to release it, too. Realize those emotions don't serve us well as protection, they weigh us down. It's been a daily battle for me. The only emotion that serves us and our babies memories is love.

Its okay to forgive yourself. Forgive your body. Release.

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Can we be okay with feeling sad? Can we be okay with doing and feeling things we are told are destructive and unacceptable? Well, turns out, we don't need permission. I'm going to feel this at my comfort level and do what I want to get through this unbearable feeling. But I'm going to fucking feel it.

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It's getting calmer now, the wind. Pull it pushes back again. Scream into and carries away. No one wanted to hear it anyway. Swirling wisps of energy, moving feelings all around me. Not good or bad just is. Is. Is. Pull it pushes back again. Calmer now.

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My eyes are glossed over, I'm just trying to exist. Grief is a toddler's scribbles, going here and everywhere, off the paper and onto the table. Sometimes on the walls, spreading down the halls. You find some in a drawer sometimes or on your favorite shoes.

Magic eraser, scrub, scrub, scrub.

Where did I put that pen...shit. there it is. Inked all on the brand new couch.

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Witnessing lovely things with despondent eyes. I take note of it's beauty but I cannot bring myself to celebrate. Maybe tomorrow will feel better in my bones. But today grief has burrowed and settled into the marrow. Ultimate entanglement.

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"Lift me from this floor... If I can't walk, I'll crawl to love" -Saul Williams

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The spiritual journey is a series of grieving. Grieving is growing, nothing shows you strength like grief. It's mourning the loss of old habits, of comfort zones and of the people that aren't ready to go/grow with you. Honor them and their role in your journey, send love, mourn and move on.

We've been taught to resist the things that don't feel good instead of feel them. We build walls, we get stuck, we give our power to our pain, to our anger. But Grieve. Grieve well, grieve messy, feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself, talk about it, seek help, recluse, be present. It's all okay.

 

 

 

It's Time.

This has been a time of swift transformation and discovering myself as an alchemist. I am no longer the person I was a year ago and not even a shadow of who I was two years ago. Change is constant. I have been launched onto my path to my authentic self. The next step is upon me. Transformation so great calls for new definitions. Leaving behind old ideas, being reborn. I am called to be reborn unto this earth with my new spirit. I shed my name, a name that served me well for 27 years, I honor that name and the connections it has made for me. I send love and light to my old vibration and cut the cord of all that does not serve me. My new vibration calls for a breakthrough.

My name is Amethyst. I am new, I am pure, I am light. I speak my truth under my new title and there is no looking back.

For centuries, when people go through an intense spiritual rebirth, source changes their name. It's my time.

Amethyst holds many characteristics that I will strive for and describes me perfectly.

"In the psychic and spiritual realms, amethyst is an excellent all-purpose stone that can increase spirituality and enhance intuition and psychic powers of all kinds. It does this by making a clear connection between the earth plane and other planes and worlds. Amethyst is also excellent for meditation and lucid dreaming. It is used to open one's channels to telepathy, past life regression, clairaudience, clairvoyance, and communication with angels. Amethyst also protects against psychic attacks, especially during spiritual work"

This is my new life, thank you for sharing it with me.

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